


No Hetero

by MangoQueen



Series: Ever After Gays [1]
Category: Ever After High
Genre: F/F, Half the characters are gay, I’m not sorry for any of it, because there’s no such thing as too gay, but that’s impossible, chat fic, it’s almost too gay, k onto the story now
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-01
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:20:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 39
Words: 49,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23950723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MangoQueen/pseuds/MangoQueen
Summary: It’s a chatfic where everyone is gay and quotes vines. What else did you expect?
Relationships: Background Cerise Hood/Daring Charming, Background Raven Queen/Dexter Charming, Briar Beauty/Faybelle Thorn, C.A. Cupid/Blondie Lockes, Darling Charming/Apple White, Justine Dancer/Melody Piper, Kitty Cheshire/Madeline "Maddie" Hatter/Lizzie Hearts, Poppy O'Hair/Duchess Swan, Ramona Badwolf/Rosabella Beauty
Series: Ever After Gays [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2024470
Comments: 117
Kudos: 221





	1. The Gayest Begining Ever After

animal.rights has named the chat Unfairest

animal.rights has added wolfchild, xX_Just.right_Xx, love(goddess), sleepy_gurl, evilfairy.io, dj_queen, dancing.queen, haircutgurl, dancing.swan, smileandwaveboys, mad_teapot, fairest, and sword.lady

animal.rights: Guys, this is a place to talk about any injustices.

love(goddess): Do you mean gays? Because nobody in this chat is straight. 

dancing.swan: Wait, for real? Nobody? 

wolfchild: No hereto allowed. 

haircutgurl: This is gonna turn into us being gay and quoting memes, isn't it? 

smileandwaveboys: obviously. was that not the plan? 

fairest: Well, we're going to have to keep this chat a secret when we get back to school. Headmaster Grimm is super homophobic. 

evilfairy.io: Just another reason to hate him. 

dj_queen: He'll literally expel your ass right from the school. 

fairest: Language! 

xX_Just.right_Xx: It's okay Apple. Nobody but you cares. 

love(goddess): Need some ice for that burn? 

sleepy_gurl: Say whatever the fuck you want. 

mad_teapot: Even if you want to just type Melanie Martinez lyrics in caps lock. MY FRIENDS DON'T WALK THEY RUN, SKINNY DIP IN RABBIT HOLES FOR FUN

sword.lady: I'm gonna stop you right there Maddie... no.

mad_teapot: Aww. 

animal.rights: Guys... 

wolfchild: *gays

animal.rights: ... fine. Gays... we're getting off topic. Read the chat name. 

dancing.queen: Lemme just... 

dancing.queen has named the chat no hetero

dancing.queen: There.

dancing.swan: Guys, help! Sparrow just texted me and asked me out!! Ewwwwww!!! 

wolfchild: Why should any of us care? 

smileandwaveboys: burn!! 

haircutgurl: Imma slap a bitch 

dj_queen: Why would you care Poppy? 

love(goddess): Oh my fuck are you dating Duchess?? 

haircutgurl: No... maybe... 

sleepy_gurl: rlly? her? 

dancing.swan: Eff off Briar. You're in no place to judge. You're dating the girl whose supposed to curse you! 

evilfairy.io: *who's. Also, what gives you the right...? 

sword.lady: I'm dating my brother's ex. 

mad_teapot: Which one? 

fairest: Ha ha, lol. 

animal.rights: Well it's definitely not me. 

xX_Just.right_Xx: How do we know it isn't you...? 

wolfchild: Cause she's dating me fuck off 

sword.lady: BTW it's Apple. 

smileandwaveboys: You'll never guess who I'm dating 

mad_teapot: It's me. 

smileandwaveboys: sHuT uP mAdDiE!! 

dancing.queen: Since we're all saying who we're dating, I'm dating Melody.

xX_Just.right_Xx: Well I'm dating a literal goddess so fuck you! 

dj_queen: Guys- sorry, gays. It's 3 am and my phone is going off and my dad is threatening to take it away for a month. Can we all just stop for now? Night everyone (don't respond!!)


	2. Roommates

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And they were roommates! 
> 
> Oh my god, they were roommates!

no hetero

fairest: Guys, who are all your roommates for this school year? 

animal.rights: I'm rooming with Darling again.

sword.lady: Hey bestie!!!

wolfchild: I'm rooming with Cerise Hood. Yay. She's annoying. 

sword.lady: You think she's annoying? 

wolfchild: Eh. We're close enough but I still think she's annoying. 

fairest: I'm rooming with Raven again. 

mad_teapot: I'm rooming with Kitty. 

smileandwaveboys: ;D

animal.rights: I feel like that's not gonna end well...

wolfchild: You don't know the half of it. I hope my room isn't anywhere near theirs. 

haircutgurl: I'm rooming with my sister. Again.

love(goddess): I'm rooming with Blondie. 

dancing.queen: I'm with Melody. 

evilfairy: I'm rooming with Briar. 

sleepy_gurl: sup. 

dj_queen: I just realized, these room assignments are sooo bad 

xX_Just.right_Xx: Well, it's not like anyone's going to do anything, right? 

wolfchild: Looking at You Kitty and Maddie... 

dancing.swan: Everyone else got lucky with dorm assignments in the big scheme of things. I'm with Cedar. Cedar! I've never even had a conversation with her in my life! 

haircutgurl: You do realize that you're going to probably spend most of your time away from your dorm, right? 

dancing.swan: Ugggggh! Whatever! I'm gonna make sure I have everything for school. Bye!


	3. Schedule

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sword.lady: Fuckidy doo dah, Fuckidy ay, My oh my, what a HORRIBLE DAY!!!

no hetero

sword.lady: This is so fucking stupid!!!

fairest: What's wrong? 

xX_Just.right_Xx: What is? 

sleepy_gurl: Hello? Darling? You can't just say "this is so fucking stupid!!!" and then just leave us hanging!

animal.rights: I'm guessing she's pissed about her schedule.

love(goddess): Is it really that bad? 

sword.lady: I have to take all the princess-y classes I took last year plus now I have to take art. It's ducking bills hit is what it is. 

dancing.queen: *le gasp!* D*cking b*lls h*t?! Watch your language! 

smileandwaveboys: autocorrect must love you today.

sword.lady: Fuckidy doo dah, Fuckidy ay, My oh my, what a HORRIBLE DAY!!!

animal.rights: Guys, she's hitting her head against a suit of armor... 

fairest: I'm on my way. 

evilfairy.io: Guys, why the fuck is Apple running down the halls screaming "I'm on my way calm down!!" 

love(goddess): Read up. 

mad_teapot: So that's why she just shoved me aside and kept running 

haircutgurl: Apple, what the literal fuck?! 

wolfchild: What happened? 

dancing.swan: Grimm was following her down the hall and he was yelling at her for running in the halls and yelling at Darling for swearing so she yeeted her motherfucking shoe at him and he's unconscious :D 

haircutgurl: Breaking News: shoes can now fuck their mothers in ruling by the Supreme Court! 

dancing.swan: Fuck you. 

haircutgurl: Is that an insult or a to-do list? 

dancing.swan: o.O

dj_queen: Why is this what I have to be reading the second I log in here? 

sword.lady: Why can't I be in classes like my brothers take? After the whole Evil Queen incident last year, it's obvious my destiny is to be a knight. And that's a destiny I actually want! 

sleepy_gurl: Because Grimm's a bitch. 

sword.lady: True true. Uggh, why do classes have to start the first day back? I have fucking art. And I'm going to be late.


	4. Slight Hetero

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now there’s a class chat with the straight people.

Class Chat

Holly: Hi guys! This is a chat to help each other with homework and pass along any information (please use your actual name). The whole class is here!! 

Briar: So... who wants to have a karaoke party for celebrate back to school? My dorm at 6! 

Apple: I'm there! 

Blondie: I can film all the karaoke! 

Cerise: I guess I'll go... 

Ramona: Now I gotta go watch you embarrass yourself, Hood. 

Sparrow: I'm not gonna make it. I got plans to hang out with Poppy and Duchess ;) 

Holly: O.o 

Poppy: No you don't. I'm going to that party. 

Duchess: Me too. 

Daring: I'm going.

Justine: I'm more of a dancer than a singer but whatever. 

Melody: I can make it. 

Dexter: I might go... 

Raven: I'll go Briar. Thanks for actually inviting me this year. 

Dexter: Okay, I'm there.

Ashlynn: I'll be there! 

Holly: I can come. 

Hunter: I'm not a good singer but I'll go anyway. 

Cupid: I can go. 

Cedar: I don't really want to do karaoke tonight but I want to go to the party for sure. 

Faybelle: Oh, so I'm actually invited?! O_O 

Briar: Don't be like that Faybelle. 

Faybelle: Well, I'm there whether I'm invited or not. It's my dorm too and you can't keep me out of it! 

Briar: Okay, chill! 

Lizzie: I shall attend this party. 

Maddie: I'm going... as long as I can sing Melanie Martinez! 

Kitty: I'll go to watch the chaos that will surely happen. 

Bunny: I'm not much of a singer but I'll go. 

Alistair: I'll be there for sure (and Bunny's lying she's an amazing singer!) 

Briar: Is that everyone who wants to go? 

Hopper: I want to go!! 

Briar: Alright, well anyone can come! Just be out by 10 because of curfew! Wouldn't want you to get in trouble! 

no hetero: 

sleepy_gurl: You can all stay for a sleepover after the party. Things can get gayer from there ;) 

evilfairy.io: Oh, joy. I get to stay in my own dorm. 

sleepy_gurl: Okay, maybe I wasn't fucking talking to you specifically? 

fairest: Briar, calm down. It's Faybelle, you know how she is.

sleepy_gurl: No. She's got a fucking stick up her ass today and I'm sick of it! 

fairest: Oh, forget it. I'm out! 

evilfairy.io: Excuse me? I make a few jokes and a all of a sudden I'm the bad guy? 

sleepy_gurl: It was more than a few jokes. From the second you walked into the dorm you were just acting completely cold to me and some of the things you said were downright insulting! 

evilfairy.io: When I said those things Grimm was in the hallway. It was an act. And I'm sorry, if it helps. 

sleepy_gurl: Well... apology accepted... mostly. For your apology to be fully excepted, you have to sing a duet with me at the party. I'll even let you choose the song. 

evilfairy.io: Boomerang - Imagine Dragons

sleepy_gurl: Deal.


	5. Karaoke Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Singing, swearing, and an illegal party.

Class Chat

Briar: So, I know the music's loud right now, but if you want to do a song please write your name and song choice on the sign-up sheet by karaoke machine! 

Poppy: Anyone want to do a duet with me? Rewrite the Stars? 

Sparrow: I'll totally sing with you Poppy

Poppy: I thought you weren't coming? 

Sparrow: Changed my mind 

Poppy: Okay, you can sing Anne's part. 

Sparrow: I'm not singing a girl's part! 

Duchess: Oh for heaven's sake! It wouldn't kill you! You know what? Never mind, I'll sing Anne's part. Singing one song with you wouldn't kill me. 

Poppy: Thank you Duchess. 

Maddie: I already know what I'm gonna sing! MY FRIENDS DON'T WALK THE MY RUN 

Darling: WE HAVE ONE RULE MADDIE! ONE RULE!! 

Maddie: SKINNY DIP IN RABBIT HOLES FOR FUN! 

Darling: I effing quit... 

Holly: Maybe we need to set some rules on here... NO SWEARING! 

Ashlynn: Holly's breaking out the caps lock... you better listen. 

Briar: GUYS!! Who wants to actually sing raise your hand? 

Raven: 🙌 

Briar: I meant for real... Okay, first up is Poppy and Duchess, who will be singing Rewrite The Stars

Sparrow: Holy crap... who knew Duchess could sing?! 

Holly: QUIT SWEARING! 

Holly: Wait... why are they looking at each other like that? 

Holly: And why are they so close to each other? 

Raven: I can feel the awkward from here... 

Apple: What do you mean? 

Raven: Did you not see them get lost in each other's eyes, Poppy realize that she was onstage, quickly mutter an apology, flee from the stage, and have Duchess chase after her?! Am I hallucinating?! 

Holly: Huh?! 

Darling: MADDIE Y MUST U SING MAD HATTER?! 

Kitty: Because she's the next fucking Mad Hatter, that's why. Just let my child live her dream in peace. 

Ramona: Sweet home Alabama-

Kitty: Fuck you. 

Rosabella: You better not, butch. 

Rosabella: *bitch* 

Kitty: *offended noises* 

Daring: What is wrong with everyone...? 

Ramona: ...oops, wrong chat... 

Melody: lmao

Duchess: lmfao

Duchess: Also, fuck you Raven. 

Raven: O.o

Poppy: *offended noises* 

Kitty: Copy cat. 

Justine: Top ten anime betrayals- 

Briar: OKAY, EVERYONE LEAVE! I NEED TO KILL FAYBELLE!! 

Faybelle: What? All I did was sing All About That Bass and point to you and then me at the "from the bottom to the top part"... 

Apple: and I oop and I oop sksksksksksksksksks 

Darling: Apple... no... 

Briar: Shit...

Holly: No! Swearing! 

Briar: GET OUT NOW GRIMM IS COMING AND IM NOT TECHNICALLY SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING THIS PARTY!!! 

Sparrow: Ya done effed up Briar. 

Holly: QUIT YOUR SWEARING I WILL CUT YOU I SWEAR TO THOSE NARRATORS MADDIE IS ALWAYS GOING ON ABOUT!! 

Briar: This has been fun now leave.


	6. Giving Up On Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> smileandwaveboys: WHY THE ACTUAL LITERAL COMPLETE ENTIRE FUCK AM I ON THE MOTHERFUCKING ROOF?!?!

No Hetero

smileandwaveboys: Guys... what happened last night? I do not remember. 

smileandwaveboys: Also...

smileandwaveboys: WHY THE ACTUAL LITERAL COMPLETE ENTIRE FUCK AM I ON THE MOTHERFUCKING ROOF?!?!

dancing.queen: You ate a weed brownie. 

smileandwaveboys: EX-FUCKING-SCUSE ME?!

sleepy_gurl: Sparrow left it after the party and Gaybelle dared you to eat it.

evilfairy.io: fuck you. 

sleepy_gurl: Was that an insult or a to-do list? 

evilfairy.io: Bold of you to assume it wasn't both ;)

mad_teapot: GUYS! Headmaster Grimm is like the principal in The Principal! READ THE LYRICS: 

mad_teapot: "I've tried to make you listen but you won't it's your way, right? Killing kids all day and night Prescription pills and online fights Shooting at the angels while claiming you're the good guy All you want is cash and hype Fuck our dreams and that's not right

fairest: Oh my god, he is! 

sword.lady: does anyone want to hear a song I wrote? 

sword.lady: of course you do

sword.lady: twinkle twinkle fucking why Can't I draw the other eye What the fuck's up with your nose? Fuck the folds in all your clothes Twinkle twinkle fucking shit Fuck this art I'm done I quit! 

dancing.swan: Darling is just a whole ass mood. 

fairest: Are you okay Darling? 

sword.lady: No. I want to be of this miserable existence we call "life". Why do we have life? Why are we here, on this earth, now? Does it matter? We're all here just to waste away to nothing, using what little time we have on trivial things to distract us from the looming hand of death that nears us more and more each day. We're all going to die soon anyway. Who cares about things like fear and hope and love? What use are they to us, fleshbags with no meaning or purpose other than to distract some higher power until the sun implodes and we all meet our eventual, miserable demise. We can only hope to be sent to our eternal damnation soon, just to escape from this hellish consciousness masquerading as something of worth and value. Death and destruction are right around the corner, and we must embrace them to have reason. Only then will we be whole, one we are gone from this fleeting reality, Only then will we have fulfilled our true, meaningless purpose on this Earth. We must all greet our inevitable, impending doom with open arms. 

love(goddess): Mood

wolfchild: mood

xX_Just.right_Xx: mood

animal.rights: mood

sleepy_gurl: mood

evilfairy.io: MOOD

dancing.queen: fucking mood 

dj_queen: big ass mood right there

haircutgurl: mOOD 

smileandwaveboys: mood 

mad_teapot: Me! 

dancing.swan: again, just a whole-ass mood

fairest: Are... are you all okay...? 

animal.rights: Are we ever? 

fairest: Also, you all sent that at the same time, I am shooketh. 

xX_Just.right_Xx: shooketh. 

sleepy_gurl: did... did u jus say "shooketh"...? 

fairest: Ugh, forget I said that. 

sleepy_gurl: Gays! Listen up! 

sleepy_gurl: Just so I have info for my next party, what's everyone's favorite drink? Nobody drank the punch last night! 

haircutgurl: Sewage. 

dj_queen: Bleach. 

wolfchild: The blood of my enemies. 

love(goddess): That went 0-100 real fast. 

sleepy_gurl: Alright, calm down edgelords. 

mad_teapot: Tea!!! And orange juice. 

smileandwaveboys: Does that have anything to do with being the name of a Melanie Martinez song? 

mad_teapot: Mayyyyyyyyyybeeeeeeeee... 

love(goddess): Back to 0 again. 

sword.lady: My favorite drink is very childish so it won't be much help for a party but... 

sword.lady: It's Apple juice. 

evilfairy.io: O.o 

fairest: I'm just going to leave the chat now... 

sword.lady: asdfzsfaczcafacsfafsckafadNO!! NO NO NO MY STUPID PHONE AUTOCORRECTED IT TO A CAPITAL A AUGH OH MY FUCK I DID NOT MEAN THAT!!!! 

dancing.swan: suuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrre...

sword.lady: Fuck you. 

dancing.swan: Please don't. 

sword.lady: Who would want to? 

dancing.swan: Your mom. 

sword.lady: She's the straightest straight person alive. 

dancing.swan: Not with me she's not. 

sword.lady: 🖕


	7. Maddie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maddie does illegal shit and gets arrested

No Hetero

smileandwaveboys: Maddie just got arrested for assault and public indecency. 

evilfairy.io: What the cinnamon toast fuck? 

xX_Just.right_Xx: Thomas had never seen such bullshit before. 

fairest: I'm scared to ask but... what did she do? 

smileandwaveboys: She ran through Book End naked screaming FUCK THE CIS-HETS and throwing giant swirly rainbow lollipops at people's heads. 

animal.rights: Okay, so basically she was just being Maddie? 

haircutgurl: She took "be gay do crimes" to another level. 

smileandwaveboys: She actually knocked 3 people out. I have never been prouder. 

dancing.queen: Does she have to go on trial or anything? 

sword.lady: I have a better question: Why didn't she invite any of us to do it with her? 

wolfchild: Oml that would have been fucking historical. 

animal.rights: Historical? 

wolfchild: Fuck you. 

animal.rights: Please do. 

love(goddess): PLEASE DON'T DO IT INBA SUPPLY CLOSET coughMelody and Justinecough 

evilfairy.io: damn, exposed! 

dj_queen: Oh, look who pulled her tongue out of her roommate's mouth long enough to talk. 

fairest: And they were roommates. 

xX_Just.right_Xx: Oh my god, they were roommates! 

smileandwaveboys: Maddie doesn't have to go on trial because she didn't mean to hurt anyone so they're marking it off as Wonderland craziness and letting her off for a $300 bail 

sleepy_gurl: Damn, she got fucking lucky. 

dancing.swan: Isn't she going to be in trouble with her dad? 

smileandwaveboys: I'm with him right now to bail her out. He keeps talking about how proud of her he is. 

love(goddess): She's lucky. 

mad_teapot: This is how I enter my house. SUP FUCKERS! 

haircutgurl: Why do you have my phone? 

xX_Just.right_Xx: Why do you have my phone? 

fairest: Why do you have my phone? 

animal.rights: Why do you have my phone? 

mad_teapot: Fuck you, that's why. 

dj_queen: Are you in trouble? 

mad_teapot: My dad said he was disappointed in me. 

love(goddess): Kitty, you fucking liar! 

mad_teapot: She didn't lie. He said he was proud I did it and disappointed I got caught. 

fairest: My mom would, no joke, best the shit out of me if she found out I did something like that. 

sword.lady: My mom would impale me and literally murder me and pretend I was never born... MADDIE DO IT AGAIN I WANT TO GO WITH YOU!! 

fairest: I'm very worried... 

evilfairy.io: Well I'm pissed you didn't ask any of us to do it with you! 

mad_teapot: Well I'll just text you next time. 

~one week time skip brought to you by Darise~

mad_teapot: MEET ME AT THE TEA SHOP IN 10 MINUTES BITCHES!! BRING RAINBOW SHIT TO THROW AT THE HOMOPHOBES!! 

evilfairy.io: FUCK YEAH!!


	8. Illegal Shit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gaybelle blows shit up

No hetero

evilfairy.io: Sup hoes. Who wants to do some illegal shit with me? 

dancing.swan: How illegal are we talking? 

evilfairy.io: You have to do it Duchess! You're essential for my plan! 

haircutgurl: What are we even doing anyway? 

evilfairy.io: Blowing up Grimm's office. 

fairest: FUCK YEAH!! I HAVE FIREWORKS WE CAN USE IF YOU NEED ANY EXTRA EXPLOSIVES!! 

sword.lady: ... I am scared... but also I never knew I needed this thank you XD

sleepy_gurl: And there goes the last sane one... 

dancing.swan: Fine. Tell me what you want me to do. 

evilfairy.io: Distract Grimm. You're his favorite student. 

dj_queen: Grimm's office gosta go 

dancing.queen: Gotsta? 

dj_queen: Shut up. It's in the sound track of a musical. 

dancing.queen: So is misaproving. Doesn't make it a word. 

wolfchild: Are you both talking about the same musical? 

wilfchild: Becaude if you were, that would be funny. 

dj_queen: IDK. Maybe. 

dancing.queen: Probably. 

sleepy_gurl: I wanna know now. What's the full lyric you guys are thinking of? 

animal.rights: Faybelle, wanna go blow up Grimm's office now? 

mad_teapot: Can I paint the rubble rainbow? 

xX_Just.right_Xx: Why not? 

dancing.queen: "Ram and I died because we had to hide our gay forbidden love from a misaproving world". 

dj_queen: "Heather says I gotsta go". See Justine, it is a word! 

dancing.queen: I don't give a flying fuck. 

love(goddess): I asked Grimm if we could do a musical during parents week before graduation and he said yes as long as he doesn't have to get involved. 

mad_teapot: All you want it cash and hype, fuck our dreams and that's not right. 

smileandwaveboys: The Heathers. Please do the Heathers. 

xX_Just.right_Xx: Well I was with her and I asked if I could be director and he said once again that he didn't care so we're doing the Heathers, bitches. 

fairest: I fucking love that show. 

dancing.queen: Isn't Dead Girl Walking kind of sort of really inappropriate? And Blue? And the Blue reprise? 

xX_Just.right_Xx: We can cut out the Blue reprise, too bad Blue is inappropriate because it's why JD kills Kurt and Ram, and we can cut Dead Girl Walking after "That works for me!" to make it semi-appropriate or at least cut out as much stripping as possible. 

sword.lady: Parents week is like 9 months away, you guys know that, right? 

xX_Just.right_Xx: More time to get it just right! 

sleepy_gurl: I nominate Gaybelle to be Heather Duke! 

evilfairy.io: Rude. 

sleepy_gurl: Love you bitch! 

xX_Just.right_Xx: I will hold auditions and I am not accepting nominations. 

wolfchild: Can I try out for JD? 

xX_Just.right_Xx: You can try out. Doesn't mean anything but who am I to tell someone who they can and can't try out for? 

wolfchild: Damn, girl went off on me. 

fairest: WHY ARE THE SMOKE ALARMS GOING OFF?! 

evilfairy.io: Ya know the illegal shit I wanted to do...? 

evilfairy.io: I did it. 

fairest: WITHOUT ME? 

fairest: Bitch. 

haircutgurl: and I oop sksksksksk

love(goddess): Duchess, you wanna deal with your girlfriend before I murder her? 

dancing.swan: We have one rule in this chat. No VSCO girls. 

smileandwaveboys: and I oop and I oop where's my hydroflasksksks? Save the turtles!!!!! 

evilfairy.io: I'm going to blow you up next Kitty. 

smileandwaveboys: IMMA BAD BITCH YOU CAN'T KILL ME!! 

animal.rights: Starting this chat was my biggest mistake in life. 

sleepy_gurl: Shut up Cuz this chat bootiful. 

dj_queen: God help us all of Grimm ever finds out about it. 

mad_teapot: He's too busy wondering who turned his office into a pile of rainbow rubble in the shape of a middle finger. 

smileandwaveboys: ...

smileandwaveboys: Maddie, I love you, full homo. 

dancing.swan: Gross, affection. 

haircutgurl: What even is my life anymore? 

fairest: Trust me Poppy, I've been asking myself that for years.


	9. The Heathers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A school musical run by the gays.

Class chat

Blondie:Guess what everyone?!

Blondie: We're doing a musical for graduation! I'm in charge of it and I need volunteers to be in the musical, do hair and makeup, and design costumes.

Daring: Of course I'll take on the role of leading man, Blondie.

Blondie: Actually, there's going to be auditions. They're next week. And you don't even know what we're doing. The lead isn't even a guy, it's a girl. We're doing the Heathers.

Ramona: Just to be clear, I CAN audition for JD, right? You're not going to stop me because I'm a girl?

Blondie: Ramona. Quit asking me. I've already told you that you can a thousand times.

Ramona: hell yeah

Cedar: Can we watch our language please?!

Ramona: No. I say whatever the fuck I want.

Cerise: I'm telling.

Ramona: What, Hood, gonna go whine to your mommy because I swore? You're pathetic, honestly.

Moon Children

ramen_noodles: Watch it! Saying that when we're in our dorm is one thing, but people are going to get suspicious if you keep it up!

im_red: sorry!

Class chat

Duchess: Everyone who gets a part is going to have to deal with me for choreography, so think carefully before auditioning.

Holly: In that case, I'm not going to even bother. You shouldn't have said that because now nobody's going to audition.

Poppy: Am I the only one who can tolerate Duchess?

Faybelle: Yes. Yes, you are.

Duchess: Freaking rood.

Dexter: Can we actually watch our language please?

Maddie: No.

Kitty: fuck you.

Raven: Guys! Stop swearing! It's not hard, just say anything you wouldn't want your parents to hear you saying!

Faybelle: fuck shit pussy ass motherfucking damn bitch

Cerise: Why isn't Apple saying anything about this?

Apple: Because I've given up faith in some of these people. Not naming names or anything... (Ramona, Faybelle, Duchess, Kitty, and Maddie)

Duchess: Again, freaking rood.

Faybelle: *offended noises*

Ramona: Wait, you had faith in me?

Kitty: That's very fair.

Maddie: Well, fuck you too, my fruity child.

Raven: Maddie!

Holly: Starting this chat was a huge mistake...

Poppy: I was a huge mistake.

Holly: Poppy, no...

Duchess: wtf, are you okay?

Cupid: That's a whole-ass mood.

Poppy: Ye. And I'm good. *sad peace signs*

Holly: I worry about you sometimes, Poppy.

Poppy: I worry about me, too.

no hetero

dancing.swan: Poppy, are you fucking okay?

haircutgurl: No, I'm fucking not.

dancing.swan: What happened?

haircutgurl: Well, I got a 12/100 on my princessology review exam, everyone keeps telling me to get a boyfriend, this school is homophobic and sexist as hell, I'm questioning my whole existence right now, and Holly keeps telling me that she "knows exactly what I'm going though" because all she knows about is the 12 on the exam and her lowest grade ever is nowhere near that, it's an 80.

dancing.swan: Cedar's not here right now, do you want to come to my room and watch a movie and cuddle?

haircutgurl: ...yes. That would help a lot honestly.

evilfairy.io: that affection was disgusting to witness.

love(goddess): That was adorable, go fuck Briar.

sleepy_gurl: no thanks, not right now.

evilfairy.io: fuck you.

sleepy_gurl: what did I just say?

\--time skip bought to you by my complete and total laziness—

xX_Just.right_Xx: I have the results of the auditions!

sword.lady: Already? That was fast. Auditions were yesterday.

xX_Just.right_Xx: Yeah, and almost everyone actually sucked ass.

animal.rights: Just tell us who got what.

xX_Just.right_Xx: Fine. I'm messaging everyone else tomorrow because it's 3am and all of us should be asleep but what even is sleep anymore?

xX_Just.right_Xx: Also, sorry in advance to Darling.

sword.lady:What did you do...?

xX_Just.right_Xx: Veronica Sawyer = Justine   
Heather Chandler = Apple  
Heather MacNamara = Rosabella   
Heather Duke = Briar  
JD = Ramona   
Martha Dunstock = Maddie  
Kurt Kelly = Daring   
Ram Sweeny = Hunter   
Kurt's Dad, Principal, Cop 1, JD's Dad = Dexter  
Ram's Dad, Coach, Cop 2 = Sparrow  
Ms Flemming, Veronica's Mom = Darling  
Background people = Faybelle, Cedar, Ravan, Hopper, Ginger, Meshell, Kitty, Lizzie, Bunny, and Humphrey  
Hair = Poppy   
Makeup = Cupid   
Costumes = Lizzie   
Music = Melody

sword.lady: You made me have to pretend to be married to my BROTHER?!!

animal.rights: Sweet home Alabama...

fairest: O.o

animal.rights: Fuck you, Ramona. You did this to me. I've been hanging out with you too much and you've rubbed off on me. 

wolfchild: Love you too, babe.

xX_Just.right_Xx: rehearsal begins next week for everyone else but I don't think I can get Duchess to leave you all alone so... you're probably going to have to learn choreography for everything.

dancing.swan: I want to see the Heathers, Veronica, and JD in my rom in 20 minutes. You're learning Candy Store and Dead Girl Walking.

dancing.queen: y u do dis to meh???????!!!!!!!!


	10. Maddie on a Rant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An actual dumpster fire of a chapter. On the plus side: fresh gay.

no hetero 

fairest: So... anyone want to play a game? It's called "finish the sentence because my homework is killing me and I have no desire to do it right now"!!

evilfairy.io: Are you using us to do your homework?! 

haircutgurl: And I oop- 

fairest: I will kill both of you.

fairest: Anyway, finish the sentence. "I love it when..." 

mad_teapot: The moon looks like a toenail.

fairest: Why did I think this would go well? 

sleepy_gurl: Alright, I'm done with you hoes. 

sleepy_gurl: *cocks gun* any last worms? 

dancing.swan: wORMS XD 

sleepy_gurl: shut the fuck up 

animal.rights: *cocks worm* any last guns? 

xX_Just.right_Xx: what the fuck is happening here...? 

dancing.queen: *worms gun* any last cocks? 

haircutgurl: Oh good fuck, this can only end one way and I'm scared... 

smileandwaveboys: *guns last* any worm cocks? 

haircutgurl: Yep, I figured... 

sword.lady: wHEEZE— 

love(goddess): Alright, after that nonsense, I have decided that I am going to end my shit. That is the only option. 

dj_queen: Mind if I join you? 

love(goddess): not at all

mad_teapot: HOLY FUCK. PEOPLE ARE STUPID.

smileandwaveboys: oh, here we go again. 

wolfchild: Alright, what happened? 

mad_teapot: WHY DO THEY ALWAYS SLICE THEIR PALM TO GET A FEW DROPS OF BLOOD FOR SOME RITUAL BULLSHIT?! Do you know how many nerve endings are in your hand?! Why don't they ever cut the back of their arm or their leg or something holy fuck. 

smileandwaveboys: Ight, imma head out. 

mad_teapot: WHILE WE'RE AT IT, why do people try to cross those skinny bridges over lava/chasms/whatever by walking upright?! IT'S CALLED CENTER OF GRAVITY get in your hands and knees and crawl across that thing. HUG IT, SCOOT ON YOUR BUTT ACROSS "But I look stupid!" lalalalala but we'll avoid that ~dramatic moment~ where you almost fall over and die because your damn fucking self wanted to look COOL. 

fairest: is... is she okay...? 

evilfairy.io: I mean... she has a point though... 

mad_teapot: And stop yanking IV lines out of your arm the minute you wake up in the hospital. I don't care that you don't know how you got there or what happened or the world is going to die YOU CLEARLY NEED THE THING IT"S THERE FOR AN FUCKING REASON! 

wolfchild: Damn, I'm sorry I asked. 

mad_teapot: There is a fucking door right there. Quit smashing through windows, damn it. You're causing more unnecessary damage and using up ALL OF YOUR FUCKING ENERGY! 

animal.rights: You better be sorry Mona. 

xX_Just.right_Xx: So you two DO have cheesy nicknames... 

wolfchild: My name is raMONA. She just shortened it. That's not cheesy at all. 

mad_teapot: Yes, mr. action hero, I am aware that running dramatically from the baddies at breakneck speed is important, but you know what else is important? NOT GETTING SHOT. RUN IN A FUCKING ZIGZAG PATTERN ON THE OFF CHANCE THAT THE GOONS WERE NOT COACHED IN MARKSMANSHIP BY THE IMPERIAL FUCKING STORMTROOPERS.

sword.lady: Damn, who set her off? 

mad_teapot: Oh, hey, you there, sneaky hero-type breaking into any place for any reason? WEAR SOME FUCKING GLOVES. They're called fingerprints, dumbass. You have them and you're putting them all over the fucking place. 

dj_queen: What is happening here...? 

dancing.queen: idfk but I'm scared 

love(goddess): Who hurt you Maddie?

mad_teapot: Also if something really huge is falling on you, don't FUCKING RUN ALONG THE LENGTH. JUST TAKE LIKE TWO STEPS TO THE FUCKING SIDE. 

dancing.swan: Is that all? Are you finally mcfucking done? 

fairest: I think she's done... 

mad_teapot: Um, hi, person crawling on the ground while being chased by a killer? FUCKING. GET. UP. "But it"ll take me longer to get up" But once you're up, you can ACTUALLY RUN AND GET AWAY. Crawling on the goddamn ground is not going to get you anywhere but killed. 

wolfchild: I will never ask questions again. 

animal.rights: Good. 

mad_teapot: SERIOUSLY CAN PEOPLE IN ACTION AND/OR HORROR MOVIES JUST USE THEIR DAMN HEADS INSTEAD OF WORRYING ABOUT LOOKING COOL?! PLEASE? JUST FOR FUCKING ONCE?! MAYBE THEN YOU'LL ALL LIVE TO THE END OF THE GODDAMN MOVIE!! 

sword.lady: Oh thank fuck I think she's done. 

xX_Just.right_Xx: What was that...? 

mad_teapot: So anyway, Bob Ross owns all my uwus. 

smileandwaveboys: This is what you have wrought on all of us, goddamn furry. 

wolfchild: I am not. A fucking. FURRY. FUCK OFF!

mad_teapot: Teletubbies are juicy, the Marines are tasty, Cowboys are edible, Ronald McDonald is cute, Bugs Bunny is rough, all hail Bob Ross. 

fairest: Are you high right now? 

mad_teapot: Yes. 

sleepy_gurl: Whatever you're on I want some. 

smileandwaveboys: She ate so much weed cake I'm surprised she's even able to move right now. 

love(goddess): Wait, where did it even come from?! 

smileandwaveboys: She has a weed garden in her room above the tea shop.

dancing.queen: ... what? The? Fuck? 

mad_teapot: I am so blue I'm greener than purple.

sword.lady: So... we all gonna sit here and just watch Maddie type random shit while she's higher than the sun? 

fairest: Yeah. You expect anything else from us? 

sword.lady: ...Fair point. 

smileandwaveboys: It's funnier just watching her try to do stuff. 

smileandwaveboys: Until she tries to jump out the window because she "can fly" that is. 

mad_teapot: I stepped on a Corn Flake, now I'm a Cereal Killer

mad_teapot: A demonic starbucks napkin stole my goldfish crackers

mad_teapot: On a scale from one to ten what is your favourite colour of the alphabet.

mad_teapot: Llamas eat sexy paper clips

mad_teapot: Everyday a grape licks a friendly cow

mad_teapot: If your canoe is stuck in a tree with the headlights on, how many pancakes does it take to get to the moon?

smileandwaveboys: It's not even Riddlish. It's just nonsense. Not that that's a bad thing, of course... 

mad_teapot: Banana error.

mad_teapot: Cloth is yum like paper

mad_teapot: There's a purple mushroom in my backyard, screaming Taco's!

wolfchild: SOMEONE STOP HER. I'm in my dad's class, he took my phone, took one look at her bullshit, handed it back to me, and gave me a weird look. 

dancing.swan: oof, sux to be you! 

mad_teapot: Don't touch my crayons, they can smell glue

animal.rights: Did your dad see the chat name? 

wolfchild: Ye probably 

evilfairy.io: MEGA OOF. 

mad_teapot: My nose is a communist.

fairest: So we could all hypothetically get expelled for being gay then? If he saw the chat name? 

wolfchild: If he were anything like Gr*mm, yeah. 

mad_teapot: Metallica ate a hairy garilla with purple nipples then swaped a red tyre with a fire breathing goat last Tuesday at breakfast

sword.lady: So he's most likely NOT going to turn everyone in? 

wolfchild: Nah, he's known I'm gay for a few years now. He would never turn his own daughter in for some stupid rule. 

smileandwaveboys: O shit, Maddie just yeeted herself out the closed window headfirst. I TRIED TO STOP HER I SWEAR!! 

haircutgurl: GO SEE IF SHE'S ALRIGHT, DUMBASS! 

mad_teapot: Cheese grader shaved my butt skin off

xX_Just.right_Xx: she's fine. 

mad_teapot has added headswillroll 

fairest: Uh... who did she just add...? 

smileandwaveboys: NOBODY PANIC, IT'S LIZZIE! 

headswillroll: As much as I love the chat name, you better have a good reason for why I'm here, Maddie. 

mad_teapot: What do you think about the magical yellow unicorn who dances on the rainbow with a spoonful of blue cheese dressing?

headswillroll: ...is she high again? 

smileandwaveboys: Yes, very much so. 

mad_teapot: The sparkly lamp ate a pillow then punched Larry.

sleepy_gurl: Wait a second... Lizzie... don't kill me for this, but are you straight? 

headswillroll: Bold of you to assume I don't have two girlfriends at the moment, you rude gardening tool. 

evilfairy.io: Ye haw, fresh gay. 

sleepy_gurl: Did you just indirectly call me a hoe? 

headswillroll: Maybe I did. Why wasn't I added to this group chat before? 

mad_teapot: The China connects the Furby and the toilet

dancing.swan: So... we all gonna ignore the fact that Gaybelle just said "ye haw"?

dancing.queen: yes. If it were you on the other hand... 

dancing.swan: You're just jealous you can't even do a pirouette as good as I can

dancing.queen: no u 

mad_teapot: I said don't enter the rabbit hole. Now you have the salad.

headswillroll: So do you all just fuck around in here and try to pretend you're not gay in real life so you don't get expelled? 

love(goddess): Ye, pretty much. 

smileandwaveboys: Princess, instead of socializing, wanna help me make sure our girlfriend doesn't kill herself? She just bit the spout off a teapot. 

headswillroll: O shit, I'm coming. 

mad_teapot: Gurklebob is eating eyes with Schadenfreude

fairest: ...that was the randomest one I've seen yet... 

mad_teapot: My world is where everybody is a pony and we all eat rainbows and poop butterflies

mad_teapot: Oh, Miss Jackson gave me a chicken rice stew with a side of popcorn slices and how many chicken pot pie corn Bread chocolate bar on Starbucks with a side of chocolate candy and an egg and cheese salad with a slice of Angel food cake for ghostsfafsvav5/)/))/).!\

sword.lady: from the bottom of my heart, what the fuck? 

smileandwaveboys: Okie, me and Princess got her phone. 

haircutgurl: fucking hell, I'm done with you bitches.


	11. Class Chat Don’t Like That

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Words get banned.

Class Chat

Daring: Blondie, I think there's something wrong with the script you gave me. 

Blondie: Oh, did I give you the wrong one by accident? Who else has the wrong script?! Just cross the name out on the front. 

Daring: No, there's swearing! You can't expect me to say that!

Blondie: Is that all? Too bad. 

Holly: What even is this play anyway?! 

Poppy: The greatest play of all time, keep up Holly. 

Hunter: I'm not comfortable saying half of my lines...

Faybelle: Oh good lord, everyone in this chat is a pussy, just letting you know. 

Darling: Well, you are what you eat. 

Raven: O.o 

Poppy: ...and I oop-

Duchess: NO VSCO GIRLS. 

Darling: ... well fuck. 

Holly: Listen, can we all please just WATCH OUR LANGUAGE?! PLEASE AND THANK YOU! 

Darling: LISTEN, SUPPOSED LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

Duchess: Just do what I do: call everyone clown bitches. It's so much easier and a lot less unnecessarily gendered. 

Darling: Thank you for that information, clown bitch. LISTEN. I WAS MAKING A JOKE. DO NOT TELL GRIMM OR I WILL IMPALE YOU WITH A SWORD. I DON'T FEEL LIKE GETTING FUCKING EXPELLED FOR A JOKE.

Cerise: That's your idea of a joke? 

Ramona: Fuck off, that was hilarious. 

Holly: Ha ha ha, inappropriate joke, ha ha, so hilarious. Excuse my language here, but CAN YOU ALL WATCH YOUR MOTHERTRUCKING LANGUAGE?! Thank you! 

Poppy: ...Mother trucker dude. 

Maddie: That hurt like a buttcheek on a stick! 

Melody: that hurt like a butt cheek on a stick

Briar: That hirt like a butt cheek on a stick! 

Duchess: That hurt like a buttcheek on a stick

Holly: I'm about the throw my phone out the window. 

Faybelle: This bitch empty- 

Apple: YEET! 

Darling: yeet!!! 

Holly: Did nobody hear me? 

Blondie: We did, we just chose to ignore you. 

Maddie: Yeet yeet yeet. I'm gonna yeet my feet. My feet will go in your face and send your eyelashes all over the place. I will feed your eyelashes to my mouse, and then I'll break into your house. Once I'm in your house at night, I'll sneak up behind you and fill you with fright. Then when you're good and afraid of me, I'll break your legs and eat your feet. 

Raven: ... is she okay? 

Cupid: Please tell me she isn't high again... 

Daring: Again?! She's been high before?! 

Lizzie: Nah, she's just being Maddie. 

Justine: So Maddie has a foot fetish? 

Kitty: No kink shaming in this chat! 

Melody: But what is kink shaming is my kink? 

Poppy: Then there's some gay area. 

Duchess: Gay area? 

Poppy: Gray area, stfu

Cerise: I don't know what kind of cult this is.,. But please remove me.

Hunter: Seriously, what is happening here? 

Holly: Okay, do I have to say it again? 

Blondie: Alright, I want everyone in the play to go to the auditorium right now. We're starting rehearsal for this thing.

Darling: Me and the mythic bitch are already there.

Daring: You shouldn't call someone that. 

Apple: But Heather Chandler (aka me!) is a mythic bitch. 

Holly: Can we PLEASE stop swearing! Before I find a way to ban those words! 

Faybelle: No. 

Holly has banned the words fuck, shit, bitch, ass, damn, freaking, heck, and hell. 

Holly: I told you I'd do it. 

Faybelle: [redacted] you! 

Briar: ha ha, I love watching people suffer. 

Cerise: What was that explosion noise? 

Faybelle: I accidentally blew something up. 

Raven: HOW?! 

Maddie: [redacted] happens. 

Duchess: What did you blow up this time? 

Faybelle: Rumplestiltskin's desk. 

Apple: good job. 

Cedar: Why does this keep happening? Things blowing up? 

Poppy: because Faybelle's a [redacted]ing maniac.


	12. Vine Challenge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lots of vines, 3380 words, and another reference that I hope you people get!

no hetero 

headswillroll: Hey gays, who wants to do a 5 day vine challenge because I'm bored and want entertainment. I'll make the winner an outfit that's very subtly their pride flag...

animal.rights: I'm down. 

evil fairy.io: YE. 

smileandwaveboys: sure, Princess. 

sword.lady: YASS, VINES. 

haircutgurl: vines? I'm in. 

love(goddess): YES BITCHES!! 

sword.lady: WHO THE FUCK DOESN'T WANT TO DO THAT?! 

mad_teapot: VINES ARE THE BEST SHIT EVER BROS 

dancing.queen: Hell yes. Vines. Fucking. ROCK. 

dancing.swan: ME LIKIE. 

wolfchild: bro, that was cringey as fuck. And YALL ARE GOING DOWN. 

xX_Just.right_Xx: BITCH FUCKING TRY ME. 

sleepy_gurl: I'm pretty sure I'm gonna win, but whatever. 

dj_queen: like hell you're gonna win. ARE YOU READY TO FUCKING DIE?! 

sleepy_gurl: I'M A BAD BITCH, YOU CAN'T KILL ME! 

fairest: Yeah, I want to join. 

animal.rights: I love how we're all hyper and then there's Apple. 

fairest: you guys really are getting too worked up over this. 

sword.lady; Wait, how do we know you won't cheat and just pick Kitty or Maddie...? 

headswillroll: I know 4 people who can join me on the judge's panel. Don't worry, none of them are straight. They've just given in to straightness for now, but they won't tell on anyone for dating. 

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Vine Challenge

Lizzie: The judging panel is; myself, Ashlynn, Farrah, Hunter, Sparrow

Farrah: Round 1 - team up with someone you're not dating to recreate a vine. 

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Rosabella and Briar teamed up for the first round. Their video showed Rosabella laying on Briar's stomach.  
"Hey, look at my girlfriend!" She said.  
"I'm your cousin," Briar answered.  
"Shh, just go with it," Rosabella whispered.  
"What the fuck?!" Briar laughed. 

Ramona and Justine decided to team up for that round. Ramona enlisted the help of a direwolf who had taken a liking to her. The video started with Justine walking into a room.  
"Hey, how you all-" she stopped as she saw the wolf. She screamed. "GET YOUR FUCKING DOG, BITCH!" The video cut to Ramona.  
"It don't bite," she said straight faced.  
"YES IT DO!" Justine screamed. 

Faybelle and Maddie (the chaos queens) started their video with Faybelle talking to Maddie.  
"Bro, I had a dream we fucked," she said.  
"Don't worry bro, it's just a dream," Maddie answered.  
"Ha, gay, I wouldn't fuck you," Faybelle laughed,  
"You wouldn't?" Maddie sounded a little disappointed.  
"I mean, unless you want to..." Faybelle smirked. 

Duchess and Melody had decided to team up for some unknown reason. Duchess was sitting on the couch in the student lounge when Melody came in and shot a prop gun that was originally made for The Heathers play. It looked and sounded real. Duchess fell off the couch.  
"THIS IS WHY MOM DOESN'T FUCKING LOVE YOU!" She yelled. 

Blondie and Apple stood in a parking lot somewhat facing each other.  
"So I'm sitting there," Apple begins, "barbecue sauce on my titties." Blondie falls to the ground and rolls around, laughing. 

Darling and Cupid stood in a kitchen wearing sunglasses. Cupid started playing trumpet. Darling was nodding along. She started opening and closing the oven she was next to along with the beat. 

Kitty and Poppy were the last two to pick a person to work with, so they got stuck with each other. Kitty has sunglasses on.  
"I saw you hanging out with Kaylynn the other day," she said.  
"R-Rebecca, it's not what you think-" Poppy started.  
"I won't hesitate, bitch!" Kitty shot her with a nerf gun. 

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You're the judge

judgehearts: So, how do you rank the vine recreations from round 1? 

judgeella: Well, let me start by saying that all teams did great. Picking a favorite will be difficult. 

judgehuntsman: Yeah, you can tell the dedication to vine culture that went into everyone's submissions. 

judgegoodfairy: I especially liked that some of them used props. I'm not sure I'll be able to properly rank them. 

judgehood: oh for fucks— 7: Maddie and Faybelle 6: Blondie and Apple 5: Kitty and Poppy 4: Briar and Rosabella 3: Duchess and Melody 2: Darling and Cupid 1: Ramona and Justine. There. Done. 

judgehearts: buzzkill. 

judgegoodfairy: Well, I guess if I have to pick, 7-Blondie and Apple, 6- Briar and Rosabella, 5- Maddie and Faybelle, 4- Kitty and Poppy, 3- Duchess and Melody, 2- Ramona and Justine, 1- Darling and Cupid. 

judgeella: Fine. 7) Briar and Rosabella 6) Duchess and Melody 5) Maddie and Faybelle 4) Darling and Cupid, 3) Apple and Blondie, 2) Kitty and Poppy, 1) Ramona and Justine. 

judgehuntsman: 7/Maddie and Faybelle 6/Briar and Rosabella, 5/Kitty and Poppy, 4/Apple and Blondie, 3/Darling and Cupid, 2/Duchess and Melody, 1/Ramona and Justine. 

judgehearts: I cast my votes as such: 7|Maddie and Faybelle 6|Kitty and Poppy 5|Apple and Blondie 4|Briar and Rosabella 3|Duchess and Melody 2|Ramona and Justine 1|Darling and Cupid. 

judgehearts: Now, let's all tally up the points together so we know there's no bias. 

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Vine challenge

Lizzie: We have reviewed your videos and come to a decision. 

Ashlynn: In 7th place, gaining 0 points, is Maddie and Faybelle. 

Faybelle: OH, COME ON! 

Maddie: [|>:(

Sparrow: 6th place, also getting not a fucking thing, is Briar and Rosabella. 

Briar: welp, it do be like that sometimes. 

Rosabella: ... yeah, I guess that's fair. Nobody likes that Alabama shit. 

Hunter: In 5th place, getting 1 point each, are Kitty and Poppy. 

Poppy: I'm never working with the hairball bitch again. 

Kitty: Good, go to hell. 

Poppy: We're school with Gr*mm as the principal. I'm already there. 

Farrah: ...In 4th place, earning 2 points each, is Apple and Blondie. 

Apple: ✌️✌️✌️

Blondie: 👌

Faybelle: bisexuals when they don't know what to do with their hands. 

Apple: shut the fuck up you fairy bitch. 

Lizzie: In 3rd place getting 3 points each are Darling and Cupid. 

Darling: yeee 

Cupid: *nods and slams oven door in response* 

Sparrow: 2nd place getting 4 points each are Duchess and Melody. 

Duchess: fuck yeah. 

Melody: cool

Farrah: Which means that the winners with 5 points each are Ramona and Justine. 

Ramona: nice. 

Justine: XD

Lizzie: Good job everyone. Round 2 - team up with who you're dating to recreate a clean, corny vine. 

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Apple stood against a black background. "I want to be a yo-yo man!" She cried. "Make me a yo-yo man!" Darling didn't answer. She just kept on yoing, as her voiceover stated. 

Blondie stood facing Cupid and said, "Oh, we actually have the chip reader now."  
"Oh, really?" Cupid said, pulling out a dorito.  
"Oh, it doesn't work with that king of... chip?" Blondie said as a beep happened. Cupid did a voiceover with an accent that said "transaction completed." 

Briar and Faybelle had a Demi Lovato song playing.  
"Don't tell your mother," the sing sang as the camera was on Faybelle. "Kiss one another." The camera turned to Briar, who smirked and shrugged. Then, the volume got louder. "Die for each other". Faybelle got a creepy grin on her face and Briar fell backwards. 

Maddie said, "Hi, I'm Maddie with a B, and It e been afraid of insects my whole life."  
"Stop stop stop," Kitty said. "Where?"  
"Where what?"  
"Where's the b?"  
"There's a bee?!" Maddie exclaimed. 

Duchess stood holding a phone.  
"911, what is your emergency?" She asked.  
"Help, someone at our prom has just been killed!" Poppy's voice said.  
"Well, calm down. We don't want a panic at the disco." Duchess looked at the camera directly as the intro to I Write Sins Not Tragedies played. 

Ramona looked at Rosabella and tapped her on the shoulder.  
"Hey," she said, "I'm a lesbian."  
"I thought you were American," Rosabella said, looking right at her (and by extension, the camera). 

Melody busted the door of hers and Justine's dorm open.  
"Let's go, we're going to be late for school!" Melody said.  
"Bro, chill. I don't know why you're in a big time rush," Justine answered, looking at the camera as the previously mentioned show's theme song began to play. 

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You're the judge 

judgehearts: Alright, same as last time. Let's not have any funny business this time please. 

judgegoodfairy: Well, I say 7- Ramona and Rosabella, 6- Apple and Darling, 5-Kitty and Maddie, 4- Melody and Justine, 3- Poppy and Duchess, 2- Blondie and Cupid, 1- Briar and Faybelle. 

judgehuntsman: 7/ Ramona and Rosabella 6/Blondie and Cupid 5/Melody and Justine 4/ Apple and Darling 3/Maddie and Kitty 2/Briar and Faybelle 1/Poppy and Duchess 

judgeella: 7) Blondie and Cupid 6) Melody and Justine 5) Maddie and Kitty 4) Ramona and Rosabella 3) Apple and Darling 2) Briar and Faybelle 1) Poppy and Duchess

judgehood: 7: Melody and Justine 6- Maddie and Kitty 5- Ramona and Rosabella 4- Apple and Darling 3- Poppy and Duchess 2- Briar and Faybelle 1- Blondie and Cupid 

judgehearts: My votes are: 7|Ramona and Rosabella 6|Blondie and Cupid 5|Apple and Darling 4|Maddie and Kitty 3|Poppy and Duchess 2|Melody and Justine 1|Briar and Faybelle. 

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Vine challenge 

Lizzie: Ranks are as follows: 7th place Ramona and Rosabella, 6th place Blondie and Cupid, 5th place Maddie and Kitty, 4th place Apple and Darling, 3rd place Poppy and Duchess, 2nd place Melody and Justine, 1st place Briar and Faybelle 

Ashlynn: Round 3 will be recreating a vine by yourself. 

Maddie: can someone take a video of you if you can't do it yourself? 

Ashlynn: You have to be the only one in the video and the only one making the sound, but yeah. 

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Apple's video was of her in someone's car singing.  
"Lollipop, lollipop, ooh lolly lolly lolly lollipop." She then began making weird noises. "BA-DUM BUM". She started singing a high note with a very obviously forced vibrato. 

Darling's video was also of her singing.  
"I want a church girl that goes to church. AnD rEaD hEr BiBLe!!" 

Blondie was looking at a computer. The picture was of a stick person with a blanket over them. They lifted their legs and in the last picture the blanket was under their feet. "Ha ha ha, I do that!" Blondie said. 

Cupid simply screamed "Let's get white girl wasted!" in a valley accent. 

Briar held a guitar. "Hey how ya doing well I'm doing just fine I lied I'm dying inside" she sang as she played a few chords. 

Faybelle stood outside stumbling around. She said "Mother trucker dude, that hurt like a buttcheek on a stick!" 

Maddie was in a McDonald's dressed as a clown. She climbed on the counter with a bottle of happy meal milk. "LET'S MCFREAKING LOSE IT!" She screamed. She poured the milk on her head as she yelled "GET OUTTA YOUR MIND! GET OUTTA YOUR MIND!" 

Kitty had a shadow of herself in a tree. She bounced the branch up and down as she made weird noises. The only comprehensible thing she said was "squished banana" before the branch broke and she promptly fell out of the tree. 

Poppy stood in the bathroom with a bottle of mouthwash in her hand. The music she was playing mostly just said "shots shots shots shots" over and over again. Poppy drank a capfuls for mouthwash, then chugged it from the bottle, then poured it over her head, before screaming as the song said "everybody!" 

Duchess said "Hi, I'm Ranata Bliss and I'll be your freestyle dance teacher." She the did the weirdest ever. 

Ramona walked into her dorm one night and screamed "WHERE'S THE FUCKING POTS?! GET FUCKED!" As she pulled a (stolen) set of kitchen pans out from under her bed. The song Worth It began to play as she stood in the hall and screamed "I DON'T GET NO SLEEP CAUSE OF Y'ALL! "Y'ALL NEVER GONNA SLEEP CAUSE OF ME!" 

Rosabella stood in a bathroom mirror with a cheap Spiderman costume and glasses on. "It is Wednesday, my dudes." She backed up and stood against a wall, making a sound that resembled something you would never expect to hear in public. 

Justine stood up from a chair and made a fake laugh as she did a pirouette. She went into a split and said "that was hilarious!" The fake ness and sarcasm in her voice could probably be heard from Jupiter. 

Melody stood in a field singing "look at this graph!" As she held up a picture of a bar graph. 

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You're the judge

judgehearts: Alright. Just top 5 this time because we don't have time to rank them all. 

judgehuntsman: 5/Apple 4/Poppy 3/Ramona 2/Cupid 1/Justine 

judgeella: 5)Cupid 4)Apple 3)Poppy 2)Maddie 1)Ramona 

judgehood: 5:Apple 4:Maddie 3:Cupid 2:Ramona 1:Poppy

judgegoodfairy: 5-Briar 4-Melody 3-Faybelle 2-Kitty 1-Rosabella 

judgehearts: I say 5|Apple 4|Poppy 3|Cupid 2|Ramona 1|Maddie 

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Vine Challenge

Hunter: 5th place for this round is Apple. 

Sparrow: 4th place is Poppy 

Ashlynn: 3rd place is Cupid 

Farrah: 2nd place is Ramona 

Lizzie: 1st place is Maddie 

Sparrow: Round 4 is going to be teams of 7 that were already picked. Winning team gets 3 points each. 

Lizzie: The teams are as follows: Team 1 will consist of Apple, Maddie, Cupid, Rosabella, Faybelle, Poppy, and Melody. Team 2 will consist of Ramona, Darling, Briar, Duchess, Blondie, Justine, and Kitty. 

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Apple sat in a classroom with Rosabella, Cupid, Maddie, Melody, and Poppy around her. "Welcome to physics," she said. The camera switched to Faybelle at the front of the class blessing stuff up. When it turned back around, everyone was screaming and being insane. "HOLY MOTHER-" Apple screamed. 

Duchess was on her phone walking when she heard a drum beat. She looked over and saw Darling, Briar, Justine, Ramona, Kitty, and Blondie naruto running in a pack. They didn't stop or slow down as they screamed "HUH!" 

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You're the judge

judgehood; My vote is for group 2 here. 

judgehuntsman: I vote group 1. 

judgehearts: My vote is for group 1. 

judgeella: I like group 2. 

judgegoodfairy: I say group 1. 

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Lizzie: Group 1 is the winner for this round. 

Hunter: Round 5 is a candid videos of other students with you quoting as a voiceover. 

Apple's video showed Daring and Hunter in a pond where Cerise had pushed them only moments before. "Two bros, chilling in a hot tub, 5 feet apart cause they're not gay" she sang. 

Darling had a video of her brothers practicing sword fighting. Dexter was, of course, getting his butt kicked. "Can I get a waffle?" Her voice asked. "Can I please get a waffle?" 

Blondie recorded Sparrow playing guitar at Poppy and Duchess during lunch. She allowed some of the sound from the guitar to remain in the video. "I love you, bitch" she said. "I ain't gonna never stop loving you, bitch." 

Cupid fought a video of Daring and Cerise visibly arguing in the middle of the bookball field. "Oh, sorry, I fell asleep while I was waiting on you to make me a sandwich," Cupid said in a deeper voice than usual, zooming in in Daring. "Go back to sleep, and starve," she said in her normal voice, turning the camera on Cerise. 

Briar had a video of the party she threw that weekend. "Welcome to bible study, we're all children of Jesus!" She said before singing "KUMBYA MY LORD" very off key. 

Faybelle had a video of Raven tripping dropping her whole lunch tray. The voiceover before she tripped was "you know this boy's got his free Taco Bell taco-". It then changed to "mmmmm whatcha say". 

Maddie had a video of Kitty appearing behind Alistair and Alistair jumping and screaming. "STAHP!" Maddie said. "I could have dropped my croissant!"

Kitty had a video of Bunny trying to put on a shirt (she had a mint green undershirt on, don't worry!) but forgetting to take the hanger off. "They say you can't do what you love without college," Kitty said. "I don't need no degree to be a clothing hanger!" 

Poppy had many clips of Sparrow playing guitar in Rumplestiltskin's class loudly. Then, one of him being sent to Grimm's office. "Zack, stop, you're gonna get in trouble!" She said while he was playing. She edited a siren in when he got sent out of the room. 

Duchess had a video of Sparrow and Hopper getting yelled at by Mr Badwolf after racing through the hall. "When will you learn? When will you learn?" Duchess said in a squeaker voice than usual. "That your actions have consequences!" 

Ramona's video was of professor Rumplestiltskin failing to use a projector, hitting it in a way that a projector should not be hit. Her voiceover was her screaming "TURN OFF THE FLASH YOU FUCKING MORON!" When the video about elements came up and started to play, she added in cheering sounds and the Star Wars theme song, 

Rosabella caught a video of Darling challenging Daring to a sword fight by pointing her sword at him. He drew his own sword a second later. The voiceover had Rosabella speaking, first in a deep voice saying "Are you ready to fucking die?!" Then in her normal voice she said "I'm a bad bitch, you can't kill me!" 

Justine caught a video of Raven tripping in the hall and taking Apple down with her. "And they were roommates," Justine said. When they landed, Raven was on top of Apple. They were only on the ground that was for a second, but it was enough time for Justine to finish the quote: "oh my god, they were roommates!" 

Melody had a video from music class of Raven performing a solo. The camera flipped to Duchess getting annoyed. Melody's voiceover during Raven's part was "let me hop out the Porsche I wanna hit that" and then when Duchess was getting mad she sang "shut the" she changed it from the original vine to the f major chord "up". 

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You're the judge 

judgehearts: Alright, again top 5 only. 

judgeella: Well, 5)Justine 4)Maddie 3)Apple 2)Rosabella 1)Cupid 

judgehood: 5:Melody 4:Maddie 3:Darling 2:Kitty 1:Ramona 

judgehuntsman: 5/Maddie 4/Darling 3/Poppy 2/Duchess 1/Faybelle 

judgegoodfairy: 5-Justine 4-Blondie 3-Apple 2-Duchess 1-Briar 

judgehearts: My votes are 5|Maddie 4|Poppy 3|Apple 2|Justine 1|Ramona 

judgehearts: Now, we also need to tally up all the points from other rounds. 

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Vine challenge 

Lizzie has muted Apple, Faybelle, Blondie, Briar, Cupid, Rosabella, Darling, Poppy, Duchess, Maddie, Kitty, Melody, Justine, and Ramona

Lizzie: We have results from this last round and also for the whole challenge. We're going to start with this round. 

Ashlynn: 5th place goes to Justine. 

Sparrow: 4th place goes to Maddie 

Hunter: 3rd place goes to Apple 

Farrah: 2nd place goes to Duchess 

Lizzie: 1st place goes to Ramona 

Lizzie: Now we're going to give you the results of the whole challenge. 

Hunter: In 14th place with 2 points is Blondie. 

Farrah: In 13th place, also with 2 points, is Kitty. 

Ashlynn: In 12th place with 3 points is Rosabella. 

Sparrow: In 11th place with 5 points is Briar. 

Lizzie: In 10th place, also with 5 points, is Darling. 

Farrah: In 9th place with 9 points is Faybelle. 

Ashlynn: In 8th place with 9 points is Cupid. 

Sparrow: In 7th place also with 9 points is Poppy

Hunter: In 6th place with 10 points is Justine 

Lizzie: In 5th place with 11 points is Melody. 

Sparrow: In 4th place with 11 points is Duchess 

Ashlynn: In 3rd place with 11 points is Apple 

Farrah: In 2nd place with 11 points is Maddie 

Lizzie: And the winner with 14 points is Ramona. 

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no hetero 

xX_Just.right_Xx: Well, that was fun. 

smileandwaveboys: the crackhead almost got arrested making her solo vine. 

sleepy_gurl: How do you know? 

mad_teapot: She videoed it. 

headswillroll: Well, the purpose of the challenge wasn't to get arrested, but chaos is always good. 

evilfairy.io: I got detention for shooting off fireworks in school. 

wolfchild: I got detention for having my phone in professor Rumplestiltskin's class. 

wolfchild: Worth it.

sleepy_gurl: Hey, do you guys wanna come watch all the vines we made in my dorm? 

sword.lady: *gays. 

sleepy_gurl: stfu

fairest: See you chaotic fuckers in a minute!


	13. Musical Middle of the Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lots of music references.

no hetero 

mad_teapot shared a picture 

evilfairy.io: Maddie, from the bottom of my heart, what the fuck?

dancing.swan: OMG YASSSSSSS OTP!!! 

dancing.queen: Ha ha, Duckess is a fangirl! 

dancing.swan: Ha ha, go fuck yourself! 

sword.lady: Maddie... 

sword.lady: how high are you right now? 

mad_teapot: Higher than the hippopacampamoosepotamused

xX_Just.right_Xx: Guys, it's 3am. What the fuck. 

wolfchild: Why are you assholes up? 

smileandwaveboys: Why are you up? Hmmmm? 

wolfchild: Full moon dumbass. 

haircutgurl: You know, I'm just wandering around questioning my existence.

dancing.swan: MOOD. Also, u gud? 

heasdwillroll: WHO THE FUCK IS IN FRONT OF MY DOOR?! 

sleepy_gurl: I DON'T GET NO SLEEP CAUSE OF Y'ALL! Y'ALL NEVER GONNA SLEEP CAUSE OF ME! 

headswillroll: OFF WITH YOUR MOTHERFUCKING HEAD, HOE. 

sleepy_gurl: BITCH, FUCKING TRY ME. 

fairest: EVERYONE. GO. THE FUCK. TO SLEEP!!! 

evilfairy.io: SUCK MY ASS. 

fairest has left the chat 

sword.lady has added fairest

fairest: WHY. 

sword.lady: 𝐵𝑒𝒸𝒶𝓊𝓈𝑒 𝐼 𝓁𝑜𝓋𝑒 𝓎𝑜𝓊 🥺🥰 

fairest: ...who are you and what the fuck have you done to my girlfriend? 

sword.lady: Ⓑⓔⓒⓐⓤⓢⓔ Ⓘ ⓛⓞⓥⓔ ⓨⓞⓤ🥺🥰

sword.lady: Better? 

fairest: ...fine. Ily2 

dancing.swan: STAND BACK, I THINK I'M GONNA VOMIT! 

evil.fairy: ^^ 

mad.teapot: =^•^= It's Kitty!!' 

love(goddess): So... Maddie, you wanna explain what the flying feathery fuck a hippopacampamoosepotamused is? 

love(goddess): Also, fuck you all for waking me up. 

mad.teapot: Can we just be honest? 

headswillroll: Yes we can. Maddie, I love you, full homo and all that, but right now I really hate you. 

mad.teapot: these are the requirements

animal.rights: Requirements for what? How high are you right now? It's 3 in the goddamn morning! 

xX_Just.right_Xx: Well, apparently she's higher than the hippopotatomosepotmise or whatever the fuck she said. 

fairest: So we're all just gonna blow up the chat at 3AM? Okay then. Whatever. I'm getting coffee. 

mad.teapot: If you think you can be my one and only true love 

dancing.queen: Boi can you fucking not text Melanie Martinez lyrics this early in the forking morning? 

evilfairy.io: forking? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH 

dancing.queen: SUCK MY DICK YOU FAIRY ASS BITCH. I'M FUCKING TIRED OKAY?! 

fairest: Anyone who wants coffee can join me in the student lounge so we can complain about being woken up by you assholes. 

mad.teapot: It's these substandard motels on the la la la la la corner of 4th and Freemont Street

dancing.queen: No P!ATD either! 

smileandwaveboys: You know, that music video is probably on an actual porn site. 

animal.rights: We don't speak of that video. 

dj_queen: It's too emotionally scarring. 

mad.teapot: Coming in unannounced 

sleepy_gurl: bitch where? 

headswillroll: You know, Apple, Justine, Blondie and I are having a lovely conversation right now about which of you hoes we'd yeet off a cliff first. 

smileandwaveboys: What's the verdict? 

mad.teapot: Drag my nails on the tile 

wolfchild: What tile? 

mad.teapot: I just follow your scent 

dj_queen: Who the fuck smells that badly? 

mad.teapot: You can just follow my smile 

smileandwaveboys: hey, smiling is my thing! 

fairest: Maddie, I'm not going to watch you type Fall Out Boy lyrics all night either. 

headswillroll: I say I'd yeet Faybelle first, Justine says Duchess, Blondie says Briar, and Apple says Maddie. 

dancing.swan: Well fuck you too Justine. 

sleepy_gurl: Blondie I thought we were friends. 

xX_Just.right_Xx: I like my sanity more than you sometimes. 

evilfairy.io: Y'all were sane? 

mad.teapot: Ever since I could remember 

animal.rights: I don't want to hear about your whole fucking life Maddie. 

mad.teapot: Everything inside of me just wanted to fit in

sleepy_gurl: Broski, u aight? 

smileandwaveboys: She's never aight. 

fairest: I can't even understand you fucking crotch goblins anymore. 

mad.teapot: I was never one for pretenders 

dancing.swan: Why crotch goblins? 

fairest: I don't know, I'm fucking tired! It's 3:30 in the goddamn morning and I was just getting to sleep when you spherical dumbasses woke me up! 

mad.teapot: Everything I tried to be just wouldn't settle in 

wolfchild: NO. No Imagine Dragons, Maddie. It's too early to deal with your bullshit. 

love(goddess): I thought the full moon was keeping you awake...? 

wolfchild: Doesn't mean I'm not fucking exhausted. 

mad.teapot: Are you insane like me 

headswillroll: Maddie, baby, nobody is insane like you 

evil.fairy: Hey, wait a second! 

dancing.swan: wHo ArE yOu?!?1?! 

evil.fairy: shut the fuck up Duchess. 

evil.fairy: Lizzie why would you throw me off a cliff first?! 

headswillroll: because I may be the princess of Wonderland but you're the queen of bitchiness. 

mad.teapot: Been in pain like me 

haircutgurl: Maddie, just stop there before they think you're an alcoholic. 

smileandwaveboys: I am confusion. 

fairest: aMeRiCa ExPlAiN!! 

sleepy_gurl: Why is this one Kansas... 

xX_Just.right_Xx: But this one is not Arkansas? 

dj_queen: What do you mean it's arkanSAW? 

haircutgurl: The next line of the song. 

mad.teapot: Bought a hundred dollar bottle of champagne like me 

haircutgurl: see. 

haircutgurl: Also, stop with the Halsey lyrics! 

mad.teapot: Don't wanna be an American idiot

sword.lady: But... I thought you were a lesbian...? 

smileandwaveboys: Maddie's pan, not lesbian. 

sword.lady: I know that. I'm quoting a vine. 

fairest: Why do I hang out with any of you people again...? 

wolfchild: Because this is a cult and once you're in a cult you're in the cult for life. 

mad.teapot: Don't want a nation under the new mania

dancing.queen: SHIT. GR*MM'S COMING! 

love(goddess): You guys have to get out of there now! 

mad.teapot: And can you hear the sound of hysteria?

headswillroll: THAT'S US RUNNING FOR OUR FUCKING LIVES!! 

smileandwaveboys: PRINCESS COME TO MY DORM IT'S CLOSER THAN YOURS!! 

xX_Just.right_Xx: HOLY SHIT APPLE! 

sword.lady: What did she do this time?! 

fairest: I yeeted my coffee at Grimm and screamed "YIPEE KI YAY MOTHERFUCKER!" 

sword.lady: ...Did I mention that I love you? 

evilfairy.io: 🤮 

mad.teapot: The subliminal mind-fuck America

sleepy_gurl: Green Day? Really? It's 4 in the morning. 

sleepy_gurl: Wait a great hours until we can blast this song on a speaker! 

mad.teapot: Am I the only one I know

fairest: That sentence makes no grammatical sense. 

animal.rights: I'm so tired I understand that 

sleepy_gurl: I don't know how I haven't fallen asleep yet, honestly. I feel like I'm both narcoleptic and an insomniac at the same time somehow. 

sleepy_gurl: Like, I'll fall asleep anywhere anytime during the day...

sleepy_gurl: But then at night sleep is a foreign concept. 

mad.teapot: waging my wars behind my face and above my throat 

headswillroll: What the fuck... 

mad.teapot: shadows will scream that I'm alone 

xX_Just.right_Xx: No Twenty One Pilots Maddie. Not at this hour. 

mad.teapot: Well I was there on the day 

dj_queen: Why am I a part of this group chat again...? 

haircutgurl: My sister just woke up and asked why I'm still up. Apparently "crackheads" isn't an acceptable answer. 

mad.teapot: They sold the cause for the queen 

dancing.swan: sucks to be you babe. 

mad.teapot: and when the lights all went out 

wolfchild: You've got to be fucking kidding me right now. 

sleepy_gurl: emo little shit. 

xX_Just.right_Xx: Quit it with the MCR Maddie. 

mad.teapot: You've got something about you

fairest: Who are you talking to/about? 

mad.teapot: You've got something I need

headswillroll: Who? 

mad.teapot: Daughter of Aphrodite 

love(goddess): Aphrodite doesn't have any daughters.... 

mad.teapot: Hear my words and take heed

wolfchild: Okay, this is getting old. 

mad.teapot: I was born on Olympus

smileandwaveboys: Bitch no the fuck you weren't 

mad.teapot: To my father a son 

sword.lady: Uhh... 

mad.teapot: I was raised by the demons 

dj_queen: That explains a lot. 

mad.teapot: Trained to reign as the one

headswillroll: Alright, listen, just because you're dating the princess of Wonderland doesn't give you any rights to be in charge... 

mad.teapot: It's Kiss, you absolute fucking heathens. God of Thunder. 

fairest: Can we just stop with the song lyrics in general for now...? 

sleepy_gurl: Let's just do a lyric chain. I mean, breakfast starts in an hour anyway. 

dancing.swan: An hour and a half, shipshit. 

dancing.queen: Shipshit? 

dancing.swan: I will cut you in half with a chainsaw.


	14. No Filter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When you look up “dumpster fire” on a dictionary website... it gives you a link to this.

no hetero 

mad.teapot: Kitty took my weed brownies. 

headswillroll: No she didn't. I did. 

mad.teapot: I thought you were bae. Turns out you're just fam. 

dj_queen: Why the fuck do I even check my messages anymore. 

fairest: You don't need to be that high again Maddie! 

smileandwaveboys: You could always do what I suggested and share the weed. 

mad.teapot: No. My weed. 

headswillroll: Well I've got a whole pan of them here and there's no way you can eat all of that and not die. 

mad.teapot: ...fine. But only because I'm being forced to. 

mad.teapot: Bring them to me and Kitty's room. 

fairest: BAD IDEA. NO. 

𝓞𝓷𝓮 𝓱𝓸𝓾𝓻 𝓵𝓪𝓽𝓮𝓻... 

fairest: Did you guys know I speak worm? 

sword.lady: WAOH. That's so cool!!! 

dancing.swan: Did you guys know the first dance move I could do WAS the worm? 

dancing.queen: HAH. I'm beTter than y°u. Suck it duckess! 

dancing.swan: Me am a disappointment to my whole family. 

evilfairy.io: People tell me I'm a bitch, but I just don't see it. I just don't see it. I'm the perffect fairy.

wolfchild: Heatjer Chamfler is a muthix bicth. She ciuls steo on me ans I wood yhank het. 

animal.rights: I can't even read what ur saying! 😭

sword.lady: she's literally sobbing. Gud job furry bitch. 

wolfchild: nuuuuuuuuu soz bby and fick u Daelunh! 

animal.rights: is okie me gets it. 

sleepy_gurl: U no, I stabed me brother 1nce. 

love(goddess): Wuuuah y u steb u brothwt? 

sleepy_gurl: acksidint. 

dancing.queen: I made my 9th oldist sister eat money once and r parentz dont kno. 

smileandwaveboys: I fel lik me mahm no lik meh am me wan her b porud ov meh but she no b porud ov meh bcuhz meh iz dispontmnt. 

mad_teapot: At least you have a mom. My mom left before I was born and left me with a gaping hole in my heart and severe trust issues when it comes to other people because my biggest fear is ending up alone and I make jokes to cope with my crippling depression and anxiety but this happiness is just a facade so nobody realizes how fucked up in the head I am. 

xX_Just.right_Xx: Woah Deap My biggest secret is that I hate porridge and I prefer oatmeal 

headswillroll: o fpm'y lmpe og o'm hpimh yp msle s hppf wirrm yp epmfrtlsmf dpmrfsy,

fairest: What the fuck 

headswillroll: o dsof o fpm'y lmpe og o'm hpimh yp msle s hppf wirrm yp epmfrtlsmf dpmrfsy,

love(goddess): iz tat a keysmashh? 

headswillroll: mp oy'd svyisl eptfd. 

smileandwaveboys: Princess iz to hi to tipe I tranzlayte fooor uuu 

dancing.swan: no bitch you can't type 

mad.teapot: Lizzie says that she doesn't know if she's going to be a good queen to wonderland some day and she doesn't think so because she thinks she has more mental problems than her mom does. 

love(goddess): oof. I no kan hit a barn with an aro I haz tat bad aym .

evilfairy.io: hoe r u thhat bad at shooting pointy love thingies ur litrallie the next love godes 

love(goddess): shut ur moth fart butch 

evilfairy.io: ur the moth fart butch xD 

dj_queen: my dad wants me to be able to play classical flute like he did but classicxl music is the boringrst thing ever and I dont like flutr music. 

sword.lady: Is okie. Destiny sucks ass. 

fairest: bb no 

sword.lady: I never wanted to do cpr on u appel i t was a actual kiss becuz I liked u from when I metu and I was hope u wud wake up becuz ov me being a herro. 

fairest: but it worksex 

sleepy_gurl: hahahahahahahahahaha ur tipo 

animal.rights: I wouldnt have let the inchantchress in either my dad was right not to because she was a stranger and he was a child 

xX_Just.right_Xx: Yeah it's so creepy because he's a kid and kids don't know people so they don't let them in because they don't know them and they're told stranger danger and it's a stranger so you don't know them so you don't let them in because you don't know them and they muhgbt be dangerous because they're a stranger and you don't know them because they're a stranger so what if they're dangerous and they try to hurt you that's why kids get taught stranger danger because strangers are dangerous becaus e they're people you don't know so why would you let a person you don't know that could be dangerous but you don't know if they're dangerous because you don't know them because they're a stranger why would a kid let them in?

evilfairy.io: was there a point to that long ass rant 

xX_Just.right_Xx: stranger danger 

haircutgurl: giis giis giis did u no I ken minf controlll peeple by singing. 

dancing.swan: wut. 

haircutgurl: ye. 

𝓜𝓪𝓷𝔂 𝓾𝓷𝓫𝓮𝓪𝓻𝓪𝓫𝓵𝓮 𝓱𝓸𝓾𝓻𝓼 𝓵𝓪𝓽𝓮𝓻...

fairest: So... we all spilled a bunch of secrets last night... 

evilfairy.io: I want explanations for a lot of the shit we said. 

sword.lady: How about we do this later because I actually have to focus or I'm going to fail. Can we please do this later?

love(goddess): Fine. We'll do this later courtroom style. 

haircutgurl: Huh? 

xX_Just.right_Xx: you'll see... 

sleepy_gurl: Why do I feel like we're all going to be thrown in jail for what we said yesterday?


	15. Court

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> evilfairy.io: I WANT TO BE JUDGE!!!! FUCK YOURSELF WITH A CHAINSAW APPLE!!! 
> 
> fairest has muted evilfairy.io. 
> 
> fairest: no.

no hetero

fairest has changed the chat name to COURTROOM. 

fairest: Alright people listen up. As my so-called "confession" was the most idiotic and drug-fueled, and therefore I have nothing to be put on trial for, I'm calling dibs on being your judge. 

evilfairy.io: I WANT TO BE JUDGE!!!! FUCK YOURSELF WITH A CHAINSAW APPLE!!! 

fairest has muted evilfairy.io. 

fairest: no. 

fairest: Aight. Our first order of business is Duchess, who stands accused of learning the worm at a really young age. I call the defendant to the stand. Please state your name for the court. 

dancing.swan: what the fuck y'all know me! 

fairest: Please state YOUR NAME. For the COURT. 

dancing.swan: Uggggh fine. My name is Duchess Swan. 

fairest: And do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you? 

dancing.swan: If I must. Bitch. 

fairest: I'll let that slide. Now, on the night of last night under, the influence of one of Maddie's edibles, you said, and I quote, "Did you guys know the first dance move I could do WAS the worm?" Please explain to the court, in your own words, what you meant by that. 

dancing.swan: Well, my dirty secret is already out there. When I was little, maybe 2 or 3 I saw people doing the worm on TV and I was obsessed with trying to learn how to do it. Eventually I figured it out, even though I had the grace of an elephant with any other dance move. My family was so upset. My mom practically disowned me, not that I see much of her anyway since, you know, she's a swan. 

dancing.queen: pfffft! Pathetic. 

dancing.swan: OBJECTION. She has no right to text here right now! 

fairest: Sustained. Justine, please kindly remove your thumbs from your phone. 

fairest: Alright, the jury has come to a decision. 

dancing.swan: What jury?

fairest: The jury finds the defendant... 

dancing.swan: WHAT JURY?! 

fairest: guilty and cringey as all hell. 

dancing.swan: WHAT FUCKING JURY?!

fairest has muted dancing.swan. 

fairest: shh. Faybelle Thorn's case will be next. 

fairest has unmuted evilfairy.io. 

fairest: Faybelle, you stand accused of being perfect. In the night of last night, under the influence of weed, you said, and I quote, "I'm the perffect fairy". Please tell the court in what way you're perfect. 

haircutgurl: You didn't make her say her name! -Duchess 

fairest: shut up. Faybelle, explain. 

evilfairy.io: Have you met me? I'm perfect in every way bitch. 

fairest: You're innocent of being perfect and guilty as fuck of being a mega bitch. 

evilfairy.io: suck my ass. 

fairest has muted evilfairy.io. 

fairest: Next will be the case of Ramona Badwolf. I feel like what she said should be self-evident, but I can't understand what she said. So... 

wolfchild: What exactly did I say? 

fairest: "Heatjer Chamfler is a muthix bicth. She ciuls steo on me ans I wood yhank het". Half the people in the chat didn't understand what you actually meant to say.

wolfchild: OBJECTION. 

animal.rights: She has a crush on the movie version of Heather Chandler and refuses to admit it. 

wolfchild: O B J E C T I O N. 

fairest: Okay. We're done here. 

fairest: Briar. Why the absolute FUCK did you stab your brother? 

sleepy_gurl: Accident. I was trying to cut a watermelon that had been sitting in the fridge for a week and my oldest brother tried to grab a piece without me seeing and I wasn't really paying attention and the knife went right through his palm. There was permanent nerve damage and he lost all use of his hand. To make a long fucking story short 

mad.teapot: I shoved a whole bag of jellybeans up my ass. 

sleepy_gurl: No. I'm not allowed to cut fruit anymore. 

fairest: Welp. Does anything more need to be said there? 

sleepy_gurl: Please unmute Faybelle. She won't leave me alone. 

haircutgurl: While we're on the subject of unmuting people... unmute Duchess. I'm begging you. She turned into a swan and started pecking at my phone. 

fairest has unmuted evilfairy.io and dancing.swan

fairest: there. Happy? 

fairest: So... Justine how did you make your sister eat money? 

dancing.queen: Uh... so I was 3 and my sister was 14 but she was really gullible so I told her my mom said that the coins on the table were candy and she believed me and she ate them. My oldest sister yelled at me but our parents never found out. 

fairest: Wow, okay. So far we have 2 people inadvertently putting their siblings' lives at stake. 

fairest: So, to change the subject... Kitty what's the deal with your mom? 

smileandwaveboys: What, you mean the fact that the only time she's ever said she was proud of me was when I tricked her after she put all of Ever After at stake and nearly killed my friends? 

fairest: Uh... yeah. That. Ahem... Uh... I'm not unpacking all Maddie's emotional baggage and her mommy issues right now because I'm not in the right headspace to be her therapist so... 

fairest: Blondie. What is your deal with porridge? It's literally the same thing as oatmeal? 

xX_Just.right_Xx: No it's not. Porridge is rice and oatmeal is oats and rice makes me want to fucking puke so I like oatmeal better but you all can't tell the difference if I'm eating porridge or oatmeal so nobody ever knew my secret because my mom would literally murder me since I'm supposed to eat a shit ton of porridge in my story so I guess I'll just have to choke it down. 

fairest: Okay, well that's a bunch of bullshit. It's basically the same thing and nobody should care, especially not your mom. 

headswillroll: It's just that... my mom was a great queen before the Evil Queen screwed her up in the head, and even now she still has her moments. I just feel like I have to live up to her standards. And despite Wonderlandians being okay with any sexuality, I get the feeling that the fact that I'm a lesbian might not sit well with some people. 

smileandwaveboys: Princess, nobody thinks that. 

mad.teapot: Well FUCK THEM THEN. I will literally murder anyone who crosses Lizzie or Kitty so help me Satan. 

fairest: Uh... okay then. Another person who needs therapy. And since we've given up running this like a court... Cupid. How the flying feathery fuck do you suck so badly as shooting arrows. 

love(goddess): I don't know. I just... do. I'm never going to be my dad anyway so... 

dj_queen: Before you ask, I don't know why I said I had such a vendetta against classical music. It's peaceful sometimes, I just can't play the flute without breaking all of my GODDAMN FINGERS! 

dancing.queen: Well don't do that. You kind of need your fingers... 

dancing.swan: You'd know for what. 

dancing.queen: NO. STFU. 

dancing.swan: no u 

fairest: Aight. All of y'all stfu. Darling's confession of undying love and Rosabella not letting the enchantress in speak for themselves. 

sword.lady: <3 XD

animal.rights: No, I don't think it does. She sucks ass. I told her that when she showed up to my 10th birthday party. I told her I hate her and she sucks and I threw her present in a fire in front of her. I got grounded big time but I don't care. She. SUCKS. 

fairest: Poppy, what the fuck did you mean when you said you can mind control people? 

haircutgurl: Well, about a thousand years ago, some Rapunzel pissed off a witch and she cursed her with a blood curse of mind control powers that killed whoever she used them on and they activated whenever she sang. It's dimmed way down since then, but random children of Rapunzel get the powers sometimes. Now it just feels like bugs in your brain and I have total control over when I use it. 

dj_queen: Cool. 

haircutgurl: You would think that, wouldn't you? Well, after you get grounded for mind controlling the nannies and your family so many times, it gets old fast. 

fairest: Fuck, there's the bell. I'm not getting in trouble for texting in class. Court adjourned or whatever the fuck they say. Bye hoes.


	16. Swearing, Hamilton, and a Dancing Giraffe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sleepy_gurl: Can someone tell me why the fuck I just saw a lumpy teal and lavender giraffe with Maddie's head dancing down the hall Rick Rolling people? 
> 
> fairest: Oh here we fucking go.

Class chat 

Faybelle: Hey, are we allowed to [redacted]ing swear yet? 

Faybelle: mother[redacted]ing bull[redacted] 

Holly: Stop. 

Faybelle: [redacted] [redacted] pussy ass mother[redacted]ing [redacted] [redacted]

Raven: Why. 

Faybelle: Because I [redacted] can [redacted]

Maddie: LET US [redacted]ING SWEAR YOU TOTAL DICKHOLE.

Dexter: Don't swear. Please. 

Maddie: I can still call people dickholes! uwu 

Faybelle: I'm pretty sure you can also call them hoes. 

Faybelle: XD 

Kitty: Yes, but can you call them pussy thots? 

Apple: What has my life become? 

Poppy: Y'all are pathetic. Hang on a second. 

Poppy has removed Holly as an admin. 

Holly: NO. 

Poppy: RISE UP. 

Maddie: When you're living on your knees, you rise up

Rosabella: HAMILTON YASSSSS 

Justine: Tell your brother that he's gotta rise up 

Apple: Tell your sister that she's gotta rise up 

Cupid: When are these colonies gonna rise up? 

Raven: ...Um... why, exactly? 

Kitty: WHEN ARE THESE COLONIES GONNA RISE UP? 

Faybelle: WHEN ARE THESE COLONIES GONNA RISE UP? 

Duchess: WHEN ARE THESE COLONIES GONNA RISE UP? 

Blondie: RISE UP. 

Lizzie: I imagine death so much it feels more like a memory 

Bunny: Is she okay? 

Darling: When's it gonna get me? In my sleep, seven feet ahead of me? 

Farrah: You good? 

Melody: If I see it coming do I run or do I let it be? 

Ramona: Is it like a beat without a melody? 

Poppy: See I never thought I'd live past twenty

Ashlynn: And I oop- 

Lizzie: Where I come from some get half as many 

Kitty: Ask anybody why we livin' fast and we laugh, reach for a flask

Maddie: We have to make this moment last, that's plenty 

Hunter: Is anyone here okay? 

Poppy: No. Anyway... 

Poppy has unblocked the words fuck, shit, bitch, ass, damn, freaking, heck, and hell

Poppy: There. 

Holly: Poppy no! 

Poppy: Poppy yes! 

Duchess: YAY. 

Lizzie: Now I don't have to listen to Kitty and Maddie screaming "WELL THIS REALLY DILLS MY PICKLE" anymore. 

Faybelle: NOW I CAN CALL YOU ALL THE MOTHERFUCKING BITCH ASS THOT HOES YOU ARE. 

Daring: Why do people swear anyway? 

Darling: Because we fucking can 

Cerise: remove me from this cult 

Daring: No. 

Cerise has left the chat

Daring added Cerise

Cerise has left the chat

Daring added Cerise 

Daring: Stay. 

Cerise: Go kiss a tree. 

§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§

no hetero 

sleepy_gurl: Can someone tell me why the fuck I just saw a lumpy teal and lavender giraffe with Maddie's head dancing down the hall Rick Rolling people? 

fairest: Oh here we fucking go. 

dancing.queen: It was all the Wonderlandians. Bunny's the giraffe's ass, Alistair is the front part, Lizzie is on his back, Kitty is on Lizzie's shoulders, and Maddie's on Kitty's shoulders. I saw them getting organized in the hall. 

love(goddess): Guys what the shit.

wolfchild: Welp. The Rick Rolling stopped but now they're blaring Barbie Girl and knocking on doors. 

haircutgurl: Why tho...?

wolfchild: You know, as a child, I never realized how sexual that song is. 

sword.lady: When I was a child I was with my mom in some store and this song was on. I walked in, heard one lyric, and then screamed along with the next one. 

sword.lady: Just five year old me screaming "I'M A BLOND BIMBO GIRL" as my mother gives me the most horrified look and shoves me out of the store. 

xX_Just.right_Xx: So they changed their song to that I'm too sexy for my shirt and the giraffe is lumpy from everyone twerking under there 

xX_Just.right_Xx has sent a video. 

evilfairy.io: ...I need bleach. 

sleepy_gurl: Imma go tell them "Say Colorado" 

animal.rights: Holy shit they all stopped twerking to scream "I'M A GIRAFFE!" 

dancing.swan: Now they're all going absolutely apeshit because they're playing the gummy bear song. 

haircutgurl: Okay, but did they Look 👀 for the gummy ❇️bear 🐻 album 💿 in ⬇️stores 🏬 on november 📅 13th with lots 🔆 of music 🎶 videos 🎥 and extraz 😝? 

dj_queen: Nope, you spent too long typing. Song's over. 

dj_queen: Now they're playing the peanut butter jelly time song. 

dj_queen: Alistair and Bunny are hopping from foot to foot in perfect sync and the crackheads in the neck haven't fallen or even toppled yet. It's amazing

love(goddess): Okay, but Maddie screaming Pineapple Pen as she is totes around the school by her friends and her girlfriends in a giraffe costume is the biggest flex ever... 

fairest: Holy fuck they're outside Grimm's office swaying around to a song about how his life sucks and he needs to fuck off 

sword.lady: it's A Song for Everyone I Hate XD 

dancing.queen: As in: Shut the fuck up you little stupid bitch Can you do me a favor And get off of my dick? I mean, it's obvious to me That your life really sucks It fucking sucks You spend all of your time Playing video games Trynna fill a dark void That is empty and plain Due to past transgressions That caused your life to suck The past isn't gonna change, Your life sucks Tell me, do you have any goals in life? Cause you're pretty fucking useless And I guess that I Wouldn't feel bad If you failed at everything you did Which you've already done, You just suck Last thing that I gotta say to you Is that I hope you give up On everything you do Because you're always gonna be A fucking failure, and yeah that's right  
Yeah, that's right

dancing.queen: Was it necessary to send EVERY lyric for that song? 

dancing.swan: Yea now fuck off 

sword.lady: Yep that's the song. A whole crowd has gathered. Blondie's been recording the whole thing.

fairest: THEY RAN AWAY PLAYING THE FULL FUCK THIS SHIT I'M OUT SONG ON LOOP GRIMM'S CHASING THEM DOWN THE HALL AND EVERYONE IS LOSING THEIR SHIT.

evilfairy.io: GOD FUCKING DAMNIT! 

animal.rights: Grimm caught up to them? 

sleepy_gurl: He ripped the giraffe costume right off them and gave them all two months' detention right then and there. 

headswillroll: sup hoes 

smileandwaveboys: Some say we're heroes for what we did, others say it was wrong. 

mad.teapot: Mostly they just know we're all mad as fuck. 

xX_Just.right_Xx: Was it worth it? 

headswillroll: Hell yes. 

mad.teapot: I'd do it again in a minute! 

smileandwaveboys: ...it's been a minute. 

mad.teapot: You're 100% right Kitten. 

headswilroll: I'll grab Alistair and Bunny. 

xX_Just.right_Xx: I'm getting my camera ready 

mad.teapot: BACK TO THE GIRAFFE THUNDERTHOTS!


	17. The Heathers pt 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blondie: A girl gets pulled into the popular crowd of girls because she forces a hall pass for them and they're bitches and she pisses them off so she finds the mysterious unstable new kid and fucks him and then they kill the head bitch and make it look like a suicide then the other two bitches sign her up for date rape with two fuckboy jocks so the unstable kid kills them too and they make it look like a double suicide because the fuckboys were "gay" and the girl and the new kid break up and the boys have a funeral where their dads basically admit to having fucked and everyone is shockingly accepting of them then the two actual suicidal girls (one of the bitches who's actually not so bad and the girl's best friend) get ignored and try to kill them selves meanwhile the unstable kid builds a bomb and tried to blow up the school so the girl who has been getting haunted by the ghosts of the head bitch and the fuckboys fakes a suicide of her own and then tries to stop her boyfriend and accidentally shoots him so he blows himself up because of trauma due to his suicidal dead mom and the girl goes back and kisses the new head bitch who's even worse than the last one and everyone sings and dances and is happy the end.

Class chat

Blondie: ANYONE WHO IS IN THE CAST FOR THE HEATHERS GET YOUR ASS DOWN TO THE AUDITORIUM RIGHT NOW. Y'ALL GOTTA LEARN CHOREOGRAPHY FOR THIS SHIT. 

Holly: Stop. Swearing. 

Faybelle: I think I'll just blow up the auditorium. 

Poppy: nah bitch 

Duchess: Why'd Poppy just drag Gaybelle backstage? 

Duchess: *Faybelle 

Lizzie: Don't fuck her back there! 

Raven: Alright, please knock off the swearing. 

Poppy: Why would I- 

Apple: Why is Faybelle doing backflips off the ceiling in the auditorium...? 

Cupid: Poppy. 

Darling: What'd she try to blow up this time? 

Maddie: Read up 

Hunter: This is a common occurrence...? 

Daring: It's pretty funny... 

Faybelle: POPPY O'HAIR

Faybelle: IT FEELS LIKE THERES BUGS CRAWLING AROUND IN MY BRAIN. 

Briar: o shit u ded 

Faybelle: YOU ARE SUCH A FUCK ASS. 

Cerise: Isn't she backstage? Why are you screaming in a gc? 

Ramona: She left. 

Poppy: DID YOU JUST CALL ME A FUCK ASS YOU FUCK ASS? 

Apple: Guys stop 

Faybelle: DON'T CALL ME A FUCK ASS. GO SUCK A FUCK. 

Cedar: I don't like reading so much swearing... 

Poppy: HOW DOES ONE SUCK A FUCK?

Apple: STOP TEXTING AND FOCUS. 

Faybelle: No. You can suck a fuck too. 

Daring: Did... did that just happen? 

Cerise: I don't know... this is getting interesting though. 

Apple: HOW DO YOU SUCK A FUCK?! WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?! 

Faybelle: I DON'T KNOW BUT YOU CAN DO IT. 

Apple: ARE WE GONNA HAVE A PROBLEM? 

Cupid: OH DAMN SHE'S BREAKING OUT THE LINES. 

Maddie: Like cocaine? 

Raven: I hope not... 

Justine: lines for the play you goddamn crackhead 

Apple: YOU GOT A BONE TO PICK? 

Faybelle: YES. SUCK. A. FUCK. YOU. FUCK. ASS. 

Apple: YOU'VE COME SO FAR WHY NOW ARE YOU PULLING ON MY DICK? 

Darling: Last I checked you don't have one of those. 

Lizzie: pffffffft 

Poppy: and I oop- 

Duchess: NO. VSCO. GIRLS. 

Holly: What is this chat anymore? 

Apple: NORMALLY I'D SLAP YOUR FACE OFF 

Faybelle: Fight me bitch. 

Apple: AND EVERYONE HERE COULD WATCH 

Ashlynn: Can we please not have fighting? 

Apple: BUT I'M FEELING NICE HERE'S SOME ADVICE LISTEN UP BIOTCH. 

Rosabella: (I like) 

Briar: (I like) 

Faybelle: Fuck off you thot waffle: 

Apple: Come Monday morning... you're dead. 

Faybelle: O shit I'm the new dead girl walking. 

Ramona: Fuck no. I'm not being JD for Faybelle. 

Melody: She's got the destructive power of JD, let's face it. 

Faybelle: Quick, I gotta break into someone's room to fuck them in the middle of the night before we go off and kill Apple with drain cleaner tomorrow morning. 

Faybelle: Also. Someone's gotta get Apple absolutely hammered. 

Holly: Holy spaghetti Swiss cheese what is happening here 

Apple: I'm not drinking anything you give me just out of a general will to live. 

Faybelle: I NEED IT HARD I'M A DEAD GIRL WALKING. 

Justine: tHaT's My LiNe!!1!! 

Cedar: Why is everyone swearing so much? 

Faybelle: ... SLAP ME PULL MY HAIR TOUCH ME THERE AND THERE AND THERE AND NO MORE TALKING 

Blondie: WE'RE NOT DOING THAT PART. 

Ashlynn: Something's wrong with Briar. Her face is bright red. 

Ramona: Thank god we're cutting that part. I mean, no offense Justine, ily no homo and all that, but I don't want to have to pretend to fuck you onstage in front of everyone's parents. 

Justine: agreed. 

Dexter: What happens in this play...? 

Blondie: A girl gets pulled into the popular crowd of girls because she forces a hall pass for them and they're bitches and she pisses them off so she finds the mysterious unstable new kid and fucks him and then they kill the head bitch and make it look like a suicide then the other two bitches sign her up for date rape with two fuckboy jocks so the unstable kid kills them too and they make it look like a double suicide because the fuckboys were "gay" and the girl and the new kid break up and the boys have a funeral where their dads basically admit to having fucked and everyone is shockingly accepting of them then the two actual suicidal girls (one of the bitches who's actually not so bad and the girl's best friend) get ignored and try to kill them selves meanwhile the unstable kid builds a bomb and tried to blow up the school so the girl who has been getting haunted by the ghosts of the head bitch and the fuckboys fakes a suicide of her own and then tries to stop her boyfriend and accidentally shoots him so he blows himself up because of trauma due to his suicidal dead mom and the girl goes back and kisses the new head bitch who's even worse than the last one and everyone sings and dances and is happy the end. 

Rosabella: That was a shitty explanation but... yeah basically. 

Holly: How did that get approved? 

Cupid: It didn't. Grimm doesn't give a fuck about any of us. 

Maddie: All you want is cash and hype Fuck our dreams and that's not right 

Kitty: "I don't give a fuck about you anyway. Who ever said I gave a shit bout you?" - basically what Gr*mm says about students. 

Lizzie: He can go fuck himself in the ass with a chainsaw, preferably one that's running.

Duchess: Okay, but that asshole is the living embodiment of the moral of the play: adults are neglectful and ignore everyone and everything. 

Poppy: I mean... you're not wrong. It's people like Gr*mm who drive the Macs and the Martha's of the world to their deaths. 

Apple: If any of you chaotic motherfuckers need to talk, I'm here for you. 

Raven: Wait... since when does Apple swear? 

Kitty: the mom friend strikes again 

Apple: Kitty stfu when was I not the mom friend? 

Maddie: Well I'm the older sister who encourages you to do the stupid shit. 

Faybelle: I WANNA BE THE OLDER SISTER. 

Maddie: WE CAN BOTH BE THE OLDER SISTER. 

Holly: Why am I still in this chat? 

Poppy: you started this chat. 

Holly: It was my biggest mistake ever.


	18. Detention

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sleepy_gurl: FAYBELLE THORN. DID YOU HAVE TO BLOW UP YOUR GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING COCKSUCKING BULLSHITTING JACKASSING BED?! I WAS FUCKING SLEEPING AND THEN I GOT HIT IN THE FACE WITH A PILLOW ON FIRE. YOU BITCH.

No hetero 

headswillroll: Darling how did YOU get in detention? 

fairest: DARLING? 

smileandwaveboys: Yeah. She just walked into the detention room. 

sword.lady: My bra strap was showing. 

dancing.queen: Gr*mm threw you in detention for that? 

sword.lady: Well, because I refused to fix it even though it was "inappropriate". 

animal.rights: You're fucking kidding me, right?

sword.lady: And also because when he told me it was "inappropriate" I was like "Gasp! Who would have thought that I, a female that has titties, would be wearing a bra? Someone call Victoria, her FUCKING SECRET'S OUT!" And I ran away. 

evilfairy.io: I'm planning a jailbreak for the crackhead Wonderlandians. Want me to get you out of there too? 

sword.lady: PLEASE DO. Grimm's outside the door and there's no windows. 

mad.teapot: Speaking of the plan, where the fuck are you, you bitch? 

evilfairy.io: Chill out hoe, I'm coming. 

xX_Just.right_Xx: Why did I just hear an explosion? 

evilfairy.io: GO GO GO GO!!!! 

headswillroll: I must say, when I heard about your "jailbreak" plan, I didn't think it included Duchess in swan form holding up a picture of the terminator with the caption "Come with me if you want to live" 

smileandwaveboys: Shhhhh it was hilarious 

dancing.swan: Wait, Kitty, why didn't you just teleport out? 

smileandwaveboys: And leave my girlfriends at the mercy of Gr*mm? No thanks. I'll go down with them. 

mad.teapot: ...BABY CAN YOU MEET ME TONIGHT IN DETENTION I CAN FEEL YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE RISE FUCK THIS TENSION LET ME CRAWL UP INTO YOUR MIND DID I MENTION PRETENDING EVERYTHING'S ALRIGHT IS DETENTION 

fairest: U ok bby 

sword.lady: Who are you and what have you done to my girlfriend? (And ye I'm Gucci) 

sleepy_gurl: FAYBELLE THORN. DID YOU HAVE TO BLOW UP YOUR GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING COCKSUCKING BULLSHITTING JACKASSING BED?! I WAS FUCKING SLEEPING AND THEN I GOT HIT IN THE FACE WITH A PILLOW ON FIRE. YOU BITCH. 

evilfairy.io: soz

fairest: Are you okay? 

wolfchild: So we ain't gonna talk about that her pathetic attempt at cursing...? 

sleepy_gurl: MIND YOUR DAMN MOTHERFUCKING BUSINESS BITCH! 

wolfchild: "did you have to blow up your goddamn motherfucking cocksucking bullshitting jackassing bed?!" 

sleepy_gurl: LITTLE STUPID BITCH. LITTLE DUMBASS FURRY BITCH. 

wolfchild: I'm not a goddamn furry go to hell. 

sleepy_gurl: 2+2 NOT KNOWING WHAT THE FUCK IT IS BITCH. 

wolfchild: You wanna fucking fight me bitch? 

sleepy_gurl: CROSS SIGN CRYING AT YOUR BACK FAT FOOT ASS BITCH. LONG TITTED NO NIPPLE HAVEN'T ASS BITCH. 

evilfairy.io: ooooooh she just said she hasn't got any nipples!!!! 

dj_queen: Why is this what I have to log in to? 

wolfchild: SUCK MY ASS MOTHERFUCKING HOE

sleepy_gurl: MEET ME IN THE HALL BITCH. 

wolfchild: YOU WANNA FUCKING GO LET'S FUCKING GO.

haircutgurl: I got popcorn if anyone wants some while we watch this go down. 

dancing.swan: ...poppycorn 

haircutgurl: Fuck you.

dancing.swan: no u 

haircutgurl: Bitch. 

love(goddess): Can someone explain to me why Briar and Ramona are in the hall screaming at each other at the top of their lungs? 

dj.queen: Read up. 

dancing.swan: mega oof. But they aren't even saying words. Just verbal keysmashes 

animal.rights: They're in detention now. 

evilfairy.io: I'LL SAVE YOU BABY you can rot in detention for all I care Ramona. 

wolfchild: fuck you you little bitch.

dancing.queen: so anyway, I've decided I'm only going to swear in ice cream flavors from now on. 

dancing.swan: that's stupid. 

dancing.queen: WHAT THE ROCKY ROAD DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME VANILLA? I'LL LICK THE MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP OUT OF YOU AND PUNCH YOUR NEOPOLITAN TEETH IN! 

dancing.swan: YOU'LL WHAT?! 

haircutgurl: Aight take ten fucking steps back. 

dj_queen: Babe... do we need to talk? 

dancing.queen: *KICK KICK I MEANT KICK FUCK FUCK FUCK ABORT FUCKING MISSION JHFBEHEUWOTHHJQKJE 

dancing.swan: what happened to ice cream swears? Also that keysmash is horrendous. 

dancing.queen: do you have a cookie dough problem with that? 

dancing.swan: yes I salted caramel swirl do 

dancing.queen: Fight Me Butter Pecan. 

dancing.swan: Gladly Raspberry Pie. 

dancing.queen: SQUARE UP CREAMSICLE. 

dancing.swan: NO PROBLEM NEW YORK CHEESECAKE. 

dj_queen: FAYBELLE WHAT THE SHIT 

dj_queen: SHE BLEW UP THE DOOR TO MY FUCKING DORM. 

dancing.queen: WHAT THE FUCK?! HIW DID THE BASTARD DO THAT? 

fairest: ...HOW DOES A BASTARD, ORPHAN, SON OF A WHORE AND A SCOTSMAN 

sword.lady: DROPPED IN THE MIDDLE OF A FORGOTTEN SPOT IN THE CARIBBEAN BY PROVIDENCE IMPOVERISHED IN SQUALOR 

xX_Just.right_Xx: GROW UP TO BE A HERO AND A SCHOLAR? 

dj_queen: OH FUCKING SHIT NUTS IN A CAN 

animal.rights: the hell? 

dancing_queen: ME HER AND FUCKCHESS GOT DETENTION FOR BLOWING UP OUR DOOR. 

dancing.swan: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME HOE 

dancing.queen: YOU READ ME MOTHERFUCKER. 

mad.teapot: I am the color of boom. 

headswillroll: sweetie are you okay? 

smileandwaveboys: Mads... what, and I mean this from the bottom of my heart, the fuck? 

mad.teapot: ALL MY LIFE I'VE BEEN LIVING IN THE FAST LANE CAN'T SLOW DOWN I'M A ROLLING FREIGHT TRAIN ONE MORE TIME GOTTA START ALL OVER CAN'T SLOW DOWN I'M A LONE RED ROVER. 

love(goddess): ... I'm a reckless mistake. 

xX_Just.right_Xx: babe do you need a hug? 

mad.teapot: I'M A COLD NIGHT'S INTAKE. 

love(goddess): I'M A ONE NIGHT TOO LONG

mad.teapot: I'M A COME ON TOO STRONG

love(goddess): ALL MY LIFE I'VE BEEN LIVING IN THE FAST LANE 

xX_Just.right_Xx: FUCKING STOP. 

fairest: DID YOU HAVE TO SCREAM THAT IN THE HALL?!

fairest: GREAT, NOW WE'RE ALL IN DETENTION. THANKS A FUCKING LOT. 

animal.rights: I'm never trying to break up a fight again.


	19. Roasts and a Movie Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Faybelle: Go to hell
> 
> Apple: Of course I'm going to hell. I have a kingdom to rule after all. I'll see you there and I won't even stop to say hi, bitch.

Class Chat

Faybelle: Y'all, try to roast me. I'm cool with it.

Apple: You're an unstable pyromaniac with a superiority complex that has to be in the spotlight all the time to feel validated, the biggest bitch in the school, and an ugly hoe who claims to be a badass villain but really you're too much of a pussy to follow your destiny, if you even actively want to and haven't been lying to everyone since last year. There's too much roast-worthy material I don't even know where to begin. 

Raven: woah... 

Holly: What just happened...? 

Daring: did someone take Apple's phone...? 

Faybelle: Go to hell

Apple: Of course I'm going to hell. I have a kingdom to rule after all. I'll see you there and I won't even stop to say hi, bitch. 

Apple: Also, fuck you Cupid.

Cupid: WHAT DID I DO?! 

Apple: YESTERDAY YOU SCREAMED AT DUCHESS AND JUSTINE TO "FUCKING STOP." WE ALL GOT DETENTION. 

Briar: HEY, YEAH. YOU GOT US ALL CAUGHT AGAIN AFTER FAYBELLE BROKE US OUT TOO. 

Blondie: YOU WOULDN'T HAVE NEEDED TO BE BROKEN OUT IF YOU HADN'T TRIED TO FIGHT RAMONA. 

Briar: I WAS TIRED AND SHE WAS MAKING FUN IF MY SWEARING. 

Ramona: WELL WHO THE FUCK SAYS "MOTHERFUCKING COCKSUCKING BULLSHITTING JACKASSING" ANYTHING?! IT'S PATHETIC! LEARN HOW TO SWEAR, PUSSY! 

Ramona: ALSO YOU DIDN'T HAVE TK CALL ME A FUCKING FURRY. 

Poppy: JESUS Y'ALL, FAYBELLE'S THE ONE WHO BLEW UP HER FUCKING BED AND MELODY AND JUSTINE'S GODDAMN DOOR. 

Dexter: Can we tone down on the swearing? 

Cedar: and can we stop the caps abuse please? 

Darling: OKAY, BUT I SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN IN THE FIRST GROUP OF YOU HOES SHE BROKE OUT OF DETENTION. 

Apple: No, you shouldn't have! You showed your fucking bra strap, what's the big deal? Gr*mm just wanted to be a huge DICK about it! 

Bunny: THAT'S what she did to land herself in detention? 

Farrah: Wait, you were in detention? 

Hunter: Ash, please listen to me! I'm sorry! 

Bunny: Yep. For the giraffe incident. 

Sparrow: So we just gonna ignore Hunter and Ashlynn's drama or...? 

Ashlynn: Shut the fuck up you goddamn hoe, it was the wrong chat and this doesn't concern you. 

Maddie: TEA IS BEING SPILLED. 

Ashlynn has left the chat. 

Hunter has left the chat. 

Kitty: If they don’t spill the motherfucking tea I’ll break both of their kneecaps. 

Lizzie: Sweetie, no... 

Faybelle: You want tea? Duchess and Justine are both sucky ass dancers and they looks like total dumbasses when they try to dance. 

Duchess: You're fucking dead fairy bitch. 

Justine: I'll rip her arms off, you take her legs? 

Duchess: let's kill this hoe 

Faybelle: *chuckles* I’m in danger. 

Faybelle: briar help me 

Briar: No. 

Faybelle: I WILL BLOW UP YOUR BED TOO!

Briar: WHERE WILL *YOU* SLEEP THEN? SINCE YOU YEETED YOURSELF IN WITH ME LAST NIGHT? 

Blondie: Holy motherfucking shit in a can, the tea is scorching hot today! 

Faybelle: relax, she kicked me so much j just slept on the floor.

Holly: Alright. Stop. SWEARING. 

Cerise: Me, sitting here reading this: 👀

Ramona: Shut the fuck up Hood. 

Sparrow has added Hunter. 

Hunter: ...Ashlynn hit me in the face with a vegan sausage patty. 

Farrah: I'm not supposed to say anything, but she's crying in our dorm. What did you do to her? 

Hunter: Nothing, we just broke up. Again. 

Maddie: TEA. SPILL. NOW. 

Raven: ... The tea now spill. Yes, hrrrm. 

Hunter: No. 

Dexter: Yoda? Really? 

Raven: I thought you liked Star Wars 🥺

Dexter: I am the most stereotypical nerd in this chat. Of course I like Star Wars. 

Humphrey: Ahem. 

Dexter: *second most stereotypical nerd. 

Daring: I forgot he was in this chat. 

Cupid: ShE dOeSn'T eVeN gO hErE!!! 

Humphrey: Eh, I just watch the chaos happen. 

Apple: I feel like I'm the LEAST stereotypical person here. 

Apple: I mean, we have the goths, the nerds, The emos, the jocks, the damsels. . They all act like their stereotypes. Guess which one I am? 

Faybelle: a dumb blonde? 

Apple: Ha ha go fuck yourself with a chainsaw. 

Justine: ...WeLl FuCk Me GeNtLy WiTh A cHaInSaW!!!!1!! 

Poppy: I've watched both the musical and movie version of the Heathers so many times that shouldn't make me laugh... and yet it kills me for some reason. 

Holly: Maybe I should watch that movie and/or musical some time... 

Poppy: ...MOVIE NIGHT Y'ALL! 

Duchess: How very. 

Maddie: I'LL BRING SNACKS. 

Rosabella: MADDIE! DON'T FORGET THE CORN NUTS. IT'S NOT A PARTY WITHOUT CORN NUTS! 

Maddie: Plain or barbecue? 

Rosabella: BARBECUE! 

Briar: The party can be in my dorm. There's plenty of room to put a tv where FAYBELLE'S MOTHERCUKING BED USED TO BE! 

Faybelle: JEEZ, I SAID I WAS SORRY! 

Apple: Okay, but we're legally required to sing Big Fun once everyone is there. 

Darling: YASSSS. 

Darling: Also, Apple your are a tiny nerd and you fit the tiny nerd stereotype almost perfectly. 

Ramona: DAD SAYS "ACT YOUR AGE" 

Melody: YOU HEARD THE MAN, IT'S TIME TO RAGE! 

Rosabella: BLAST THE BASS, TURN OUT THE LIGHT 

Kitty: AIN'T NOBODY HOME TONIGHT! 

Ramona: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST KITTY. 

Cerise: sHE APPEARED IN OUR DORM OUT OF NOWHERE AND SCREAMED IN MY EAR! 

Lizzie: Hey, are we watching both the movie AND a bootleg of the musical? 

Raven: Wait... bootleg? Isn't that, like, illegal? 

Cedar: You shouldn't have told me about that! I'll probably just tell Grimm out of guilt next time I see him! 

Maddie: I'll stay with you at all times. This is how it will go: (Kitty help me with the meme) 

Kitty: Aight, I'll be an adult who's looking for me and is NOT Gr*mm. 

Kitty: Where's Kitty? 

Maddie: Doing stuff. 

Kitty: I don't like the sound of that. And where's Apple (AKA the wet blanket)? 

Apple: HEY. An adult would never call me a wet blanket! 

Maddie: Stopping Kitty from doing stuff. 

Kitty: Oh. And where's Faybelle? 

Maddie: Stopping Apple from stopping Kitty from doing stuff. 

Kitty: And what are you two doing? 

Maddie: We're supposed to stop you from stopping Faybelle from stopping Apple from stopping Kitty from doing stuff. 

Cedar: Yeah, and then I'm going to say something like I'm also not supposed to tell you that everyone watched an illegal bootleg of a musical last night that had swearing and was about blowing up a school. 

Maddie: I'll put my hand over your mouth. 

Briar: Okay, so, everyone get your asses to my dorm now. Movie's starting in 15. 

Apple: DoN'T fOrGeT tHe CoRn NuTs!!1!!


	20. Hilarious Failures and Bad Puns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> evilfairy.io: I-I use my fingers to touch the keyboard... g-gently... 👉👈 
> 
> love(goddess): W-what... the everloving fuck...👉👈

No hetero 

xX_Just.right_Xx: How do y'all type on a keyboard? The real way you're supposed to type with all fingers or one finger at a time? 

fairest: WE. ARE. IN. C L A S S! 

xX_Just.right_Xx: I know. I'm bored. Answer the damn question, will you? 

evilfairy.io: I-I use my fingers to touch the keyboard... g-gently... 👉👈 

love(goddess): W-what... the everloving fuck...👉👈

sleepy_gurl: Please never come near me again. 

smileandwaveboys: YOU SAY STYLES I SAY HARRY HARRY 

mad.teapot: STYLES 

smileandwaveboys: HARRY 

headswillroll: STYLES 

smileandwaveboys: LIAM 

mad.teapot: STYLES 

smileandwaveboys: ZAYN 

headswillroll: STYLES 

smileandwaveboys: WILDCATS 

mad.teapot: WHAT TEAM?! 

smileandwaveboys: HARRY 

haircutgurl: somewhere this went wrong... 

dancing.swan: y'all fucking FAILED miserably! 

dj_queen: I hate math. Y'all, help me out! If the moon is made of cheese, and Saturn is 6, how many pancakes could you eat on Mars? 

dancing.queen: Yellow. 

wolfchild: Isn't it packing peanuts? 

dancing.queen: Oh, right, because you carry the two. 

fairest: What the hell are you guys talking about?! 

sword.lady: Do you think lava would taste spicy? 

animal.rights: Please don't eat lava. 

sword.lady: But would it though? 

fairest: Since it's made up of molten rock, lava would probably taste very bland and dusty. Also, I'm worried about you. 

sword.lady: You should be. We're in Damsel in Distressing class for fucks' sake! My brothers are in their sword fighting class right now. I should be in that class! 

evilfairy.io: HEY, I HAVE THE BEST JOKE. WHY IS PETER PAN ALWAYS FLYING? 

sleepy_gurl: Because he NEVERLANDS. 

evilfairy.io: CAUSE HE NEVERLANDS 

evilfairy.io: FUCK YOU. 

love(goddess): I love that joke. It NEVER GROWS OLD. 

dancing.queen: It does have a nice HOOK. 

haircutgurl: It TICKS to it's own rhythm! 

headswillroll: I don't get it. I'm LOST, BOYS. 

smileandwaveboys: (we ain't boys but it's required for the joke so...) 

fairest: These jokes make me want to yeet myself out the nearest window. 

animal.rights: Don't do that, it's too WENDY out.

wolfchild: I have a question that is completely unrelated to this. What shape is the sky? 

mad.teapot: I also have a question: is a hot dot a sandwich? 

sword.lady: Do straws have two holes or one? 

xX_Just.right_Xx: Is water wet? 

dancing.swan: Do penguins have knees? 

dj_queen: Is America a religion? 

sleepy_gurl: Are you all okay? 

love(goddess): u gory my head stuck in a tube 

fairest: What the fuck 

smileandwaveboys: She got her head stuck in a tuba. 

dj_queen: Did you break into my dad's classroom to see if you could fit your whole head in the tuba after you were explicitly told not to before you got kicked out of class? 

xX_Just.right_Xx: That she did. She convinced Maddie Lizzie and Kitty to go with her and be lookout. 

smileandwaveboys: Me and Maddie are trying to stop teachers from finding her while Blondie and Lizzie get her head unstuck. 

mad.teapot: I JUST FAILED. 

smileandwaveboys: YEAH NO SHIT SHERLOCK 

headswillroll: DID YOU SERIOUSLY JUST ASK GR*MM "WHO'S CUPID" COMPLETELY UNPROVOKED? 

xX_Just.right_Xx: Why did we let the biggest spherical dumbasses be lookout? 

love(goddess): I'M FREE AND WE ESCAPED WITH OUR FREEDOM. 

wolfchild: Maddie are you okay? 

mad.teapot: Yeah I am. 

mad.teapot: Why? 

wolfchild: Well you just flew through the door of General Villany face-first, then laid on the floor singing baby shark while we all looked at you. 

smileandwaveboys: That's where she went? 

headswillroll: She wouldn't tell us. MADDIE. 

mad.teapot: Listen, tea drinkers are superior. Unlike you filthy disgusting creatures, I only drink earl grey, green chamomile, peppermint, lemon raspberry, or lavender tea, which makes my insides glow 10 times brighter and improve. I can feel my body get healthier with every drink I take of my delicious hot mug of TEA, you absolute wasted of human potential. 

smileandwaveboys: Coffee drinkers are like "hhhhnng luv da boiled bean water" 

sleepy_gurl: ACTUALLY, coffee drinkers are gods. I am unimaginably powerful. I can see through time. I've hardly slept in 4 days but who needs sleep when you're on a higher plane of existence? The beans are in my soul and in my heart. I AM the bean. Soon I will vibrate at the harmonic resonance of the universe and transcend into my eternal form 

evilfairy.io: And tea drinkers are like "hhhhhhhot leaf juice"

wolfchild: Y'all forgot soda drinkers. Death is coming, I am visibly vibrating from the caffeine, give me a hot dog.

dancing.swan: Okay but why is that a mood? 

xX_Just.right_Xx: Better question: Why are videos of crabs wielding knives such a common phenomenon? 

animal.rights: Because they don't know how to use guns, duh! 

fairest: Yet. 

sword.lady: Holy shit that was oddly ominous for you. 

love(goddess) has sent an image 

(A/n: IT’S A FREAKING FLUFFY BABY SEAL I CAN’T FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET A DAMN PICTURE IN HERE BUT YOU NEED TO KNOW THIS!!)  
mad.teapot: FLOOF BABY! I WANT! GIVE ME FLOOF BABY! 

love(goddess): I CANT BECAUSE I NO HAVE FLOOF BABY 🥺 

mad.teapot: WE HAVE GO GO RESCUE FLOOF BABY! 

love(goddess): YES WE GO TO ANTARCTICA TO RESCUE FLOOF BABY! HE SHALL BE OUR FLOOR BABY! 

mad.teapot: floooooooooiioiopiiooioooiooiipipuouououppuooooooof!!

wolfchild: Why does the whole school smell like the Pillsbury Dough Boy's asshole? 

smileandwaveboys: I broke into the kitchen and put 2 gallons of vanilla in the oven for an hour. 

fairest: What, and I seriously cannot stress this enough right now, the fuck? 

sleepy_gurl: WHERE'D YOU GET 2 GALLONS OF THAT SHIT? IT'S EXPENSIVE! 

evilfairy.io: So we're not gonna talk about how Ramona apparently knows what the Pillsbury Dough Boy's asshole smells like...? 

wolfchild: I am literally a wolf my sense of smell is better than everyone else's you think you have it bad I am literally dying give me a FUCKING BREAK. 

sword.lady: Where did you get a shit ton vanilla from Kitty? 

smileandwaveboys: I blackmailed Raven into doing a spell on a bottle of vanilla so I would have 2 gallons ☺️

xX_Just.right_Xx: What the fuck is wrong with you 

smileandwaveboys: A lot. You want a list? 

xX_Just.right_Xx: No... I'm good. 

dj_queen: Please don't unpack your emotional baggage here. 

haircutgurl: I wanna be a vampire because then when my screen is loading I wouldn't have a see my hideous face. 

headswillroll: I don't even know where to begin with that- 

dancing.swan: BABE NO YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL ARE YOU OKAY! 

haircutgurl: I'm fine. 

dancing.swan: What's "fine"? 

haircutgurl: I'm content but I also wouldn't mind if the sun exploded and killed us all right now. 

mad.teapot: Butter is just food lotion. 

fairest: What the hell is wrong with you all I'm sobbing-


	21. Ramona’s Story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Apple: GODDAMN IT KITTY! I CAN SMELL IT FROM OUT FUCKING SIDE. 
> 
> Ramona: Aside from the obvious (the kitchen) it's the worst in the detention room. 
> 
> Rosabella: Oh good lord what did you do this time?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: this chapter contains like every swear word in the English language and I mean EVERY one of them!!   
> |ಥ‿ಥ| ಥ‿ಥ| ಥ‿ಥ| ಥ‿ಥ|

Class Chat

Holly: Why does the whole school smell like vanilla? 

Raven: Kitty... that vanilla you made me use a duplicator spell on... please tell me you didn't pour it all over the school? 

Kitty: Nope. I baked it for an hour. 

Apple: GODDAMN IT KITTY! I CAN SMELL IT FROM OUT FUCKING SIDE. 

Ramona: Aside from the obvious (the kitchen) it's the worst in the detention room. 

Rosabella: Oh good lord what did you do this time? 

Cedar: What's wrong with Cerise? She's all red. 

Cerise: The whole bookball team heard what Ramona did.

Cupid: Now I gotta know. 

Ramona: Alright, well I was running after Kitty screaming "I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU FOR THIS!!" Because I'm sitting in my dorm dying from the vanilla smell and she teleports in and pours a whole fucking bottle of the damn stuff ON MY HEAD. 

Kitty: Okay, I'll admit, I went too far. I'm sorry. 

Justine: Tell the story Ramona. I HAVE TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID. 

Ramona: I'M TYPING SHUT THE FUCK UP! 

Holly: STOP. SWEARING. 

Ramona: THIS STORY IS 90% SWEARING!! 

Holly: I quit. Someone add me back when she's done. 

Holly has left the chat. 

Poppy: She really said FUCK THIS SHIT IM OUT 

Bunny: What happened Ramona? 

Ramona: Alright, so I was running across the book all field and Kitty kept teleporting herself like 29 feet ahead of me. I'm still screaming at her and this Karen mom comes up to me and she's holding a baby and she's like "HOW DARE YOU CURSE IN FRONT OF MY PRECIOUS BABY?????" 

Darling: Fucking KARENS. They can go fuck themselves with a cactus! 

Ramona: So I'm like "Listen, the whole school smells like vanilla, you can smell it from here, I'm a wolf and it's extra torture on me, and that girl over there (pointed at Kitty) is the one who did it so—" And this bitch cuts me off right before I could half-ass an apology. 

Lizzie: GET TO THE POINT. 

Ramona: SHUT YOUR BITCH ASS MOUTH IM TRYING. 

Lizzie: That's really rude. 

Ramona: HOW MANY OF Y'ALL ACTUALLY WANT TO HEAR THE STORY??? 

Duchess: TELL THE STORY HOE. 

Briar: What the fuck is a story hoe and how do you tell it? 

Duchess: You're really gonna criticize my grammar, fucking hypocrite? 

Briar: I'm gonna fucking kill you. 

Duchess: Try me bitch. 

Faybelle: Hey what if y'all didn't start another fight that was gonna get blamed on my somehow? 

Ramona: So Karen cut me off by bitch slapping me as hard as she could and she was like "I don't really care, you were probably a mutant mistake anyway, so apologize to my baby. I'm trying to avoid to avoid foul language around Roger." 

Justine: Let Briar kill Duchess. 

Raven: Why do I get the feeling that Ramona's going to do something awful... 

Cerise: She's always doing awful stuff. 

Ramona: So I was like, "Oh, sorry, what words are you trying to avoid? Is it things like hell, damn, fuck, shit, bitch, cunt, ass, cock, dick, cockface dickface, dickhead, dickwad, cocksmoker and cocksucker?" And she gives me a horrified look and is like "STOP." 

Poppy: Oh good god. 

Faybelle: I have a feeling it's going to get better. 

Duchess: Justine. Dance battle. PUBLIC dance battle. WE'LL SEE WHO'S REALLY BETTER! 

Justine: I'M TRYING TO PAY ATTENTION TO THE STORY, JEEZ! 

Justine: But also yes. 

Melody: So we're all going to ignore Faybelle's ominous text, huh? Okay. 

Ramona: ObviouslyI didn't stop. I looked right at her baby Roger like I was going to teach him something and I was like "What about words like thot, pussy, twat, hoe, clitface, thundercunt, dipshit, duchebag, dumbass, or dumbfuck?" And Karen looks at me like "THIS IS HARASSMENT. I'M GOING TO HAVW YOU ARRESTED!" So naturally, I just said more stuff. 

Darling: ...fuck I wish I could have seen Karen's face. JUST ANOTHER REASON I'M PISSED AT MY MOM FOR NOT LETTING ME TRY OUT FOR THE BOOKBALL TEAM!! 

Cerise: Just do it in secret. My mom still has no idea I'm on the team (not that she'd care but still). 

Darling: YOU CAN DO THAT?!?!?! 

Cerise: Ye. Just ask Coach Gingerbread. 

Ramona: So I looked right at Karen and I said "I'm sure you're trying to avoid words like bullshit bastard, bitchtits, buttfucker, asshole, asshat, asswipe, jackass, shithead, shitface, and whore, right?" So Karen is screaming that she wants to talk to Headmaster Grimm. And she bitch slaps me again. Same place and everything and a harder bitch slap. And I was silently wondering why she didn't just leave but I obviously didn't ask her. 

Faybelle: You have just taught me new curse words thank you 

Briar: Satan help me. 

Rosabella: You're aware the entire Beauty clan is religious, right? 

Briar: Yep. Like I said, Satan help me. 

Ramona: So I ask "Are we counting words like piss, cum, cumdumpster, and cumguzzler?" And Karen looks at me and bitch slaps me for the third time, somehow in the exact same place, even harder than last time, and it's taking all my strength not to just fucking maul her. By the way, there's a really dark purple bruise on my face that won't go away for like a month because Karen's arm is made of some sort of metal. I mean, my face is eggplant color here. 

Rosabella: ohmyfuckinggodareyouokayramona???!

Raven: What gave her the right to slap a student though? 

Cerise: The whole bookball team yelled at her for like an hour as she was leaving because we got a good look at Ramona's face and because that's literally illegal. 

Daring: Cerise lead the yelling. She was terrifying, especially considering she was defending the girl who's destined to try to eat her alive. 

Dexter: Well, everyone except Tiny yelled at her. He really doesn't like confrontation. 

Sparrow: I was just looking for an excuse to play the worst chords I've ever in someone's ear. 

Hunter: That's what that was? I thought you had finally learned how to play guitar properly. 

Sparrow: Shut up. Poppy and Duchess like my music, right? 

Poppy: I put up with it because I'm your friend. 

Duchess: I have repeatedly threatened to smash your guitar over your head if you played that awful sound one more time. 

Ramona: So I snap my fingers and I'm like, lOh, goddamn it, I almost forgot about fucker, fuckface, fuckstick, fuckwad, fuckboy, clusterfuck, and of course motherfucker. Are these all the kinds of words that you're avoiding?" And she just kind of screeches internally. And then Grimm and my dad come over and of course Karen starts crying about how I'm "poisoning" her precious baby. Well, Grimm gave me a month's detention for what he heard me say and then my dad saw my face. 

Blondie: Just letting you know Ramona, I was videoing a live video with a tour of the school and that kind of got in the middle of it. 

Ramona: Cool. Anyway, my dad screamed at Karen, somehow managed not to threaten her because that would look bad when he got the law involved, and took me to the hospital. My fucking jaw is broken and my dad is pressing charges. But I still have fucking detention. 

Rosabella: HOW CAN YOU STILL HAVE DETENTION?! YOU WERE SO CLEARLY NOT IN THE WRONG THERE!! 

Ramona: BECAUSE GR*MM'S A BITCH! WE KNOW THIS! 

Alistair: Where did you learn so many swear words from anyway? 

Ramona: The forest reform school. The teachers swore as much as the students and they called us things like "thundercunts" and "clusterfucks" all the time. 

Hopper: I still don't understand what Karen was doing at the school anyway? 

Ramona: Apparently her daughter Jolly wad supposed to start here in two days. Her actual name is Karen. Apparently she's married to Captain Hook? She got her whole arm bit off by the crocodile, that's why she has the metal arm. 

Apple: Jolly's still allowed to go to school here after her mom attacked a student like that? 

Ramona: Nah. I destroyed Karen's will to live so badly that she pulled Jolly, which kind of sucks because Jolly also went to the forest reform school and she's actually awesome? 

Cerise: You're proud of destroying someone's will to live? 

Ramona: Yeah, no shit.


	22. Numbers and Near Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dj_queen: A R E Y O U G U Y S O K A Y
> 
> xX_Just.right_Xx: IM FREAKING SOBBING HAVAGAFDHFDHHBJJ 
> 
> — wait, I better give y’all a better summary because that’s basically the entire book—
> 
> Okay, so basically, some dumbasses failed kindergarten (primary school, whatever) math, songs are gay, and Poppy comes back to school after a trip with Duchess looking like a pile of shit that went through hell and back.

no hetero

fairest: Hey, fun fact about numbers. Every single odd number has an "e" in it.

sleepy_gurl: LISTEN- 

dj_queen: It's 3 in the morning again. Welcome to to no sleep cult! 

evilfairy.io: Not all of them. 30 and 50 aren't spelled with the letter e in it... 

love(goddess): father god... 

wolfchild: ...if you can split a number in half evenly, it's even. 30 and 50 are odd. 

dancing.queen: -_-' (15+15=30 25+25=30)

dancing.swan: 25+25=30? You sure about that?? 

headswillroll: Lord have mercy...

haircutgurl: Bye 

fairest: Holy shit it's like watching monkeys use tools. 

sword.lady: LMAOOOOOOO

haircutgurl; One Three Five Nine And since everything else after that is a variant of these numbers, then all odds have the letter 'E'. 

dancing.queen: YOU FORGOT SEVEN!! 

dj_queen: It keeps getting worse. 

xX_Just.right_Xx: My head hurts. 

dancing.swan: HAVE WE BEEN GOING TO THE SAME SCHOOL HERE?! 

sleepy_gurl: who failed y'all? 

headswillroll: Clearly the teachers who failed to teach everyone basic math, but what else is new? 

sword.lady: IM SCREAMING

smileandwaveboys: You completely forgot about eight - a number with an e and is pretty fucking even

haircutgurl; why would eight be brought up if it's EVEN in a post about ODDS??????? the post said "every single ODD number has an 'e' in it" not "every single number with a 'e' is odd" what the fuck

mad.teapot: Er, guys two is odd and doesn't have an e. Just saying... 

fairest: did you actually just try to tell me two is odd? i'm ducking crying throw the whole damn group chat away

xX_Just.right_Xx: maddie you killed me I am literally dead. 

dj_queen: The one thing I notice is that no matter how much you want to throw this chat away, you just can't.

animal.rights: TWO IS ODD?!?! PFFFTT I"M SCREAMING 

evilfairy.io: Wait what about zero that's an odd number ,no? 

wolfchild: Ok but hear me out fifty and thirty make the fact that they have no e by the way they are pronounces third-E fifth-E 

animal.rights: babe why do 30 and 50 matter THEY'RE FUCKING EVEN 

xX_Just.right_Xx: what the actual fuck is happening

sword.lady: wait, who the fuck says fifth-ee? It's fif-tee. 

wolfchild: I do bitch 

mad.teapot: 1 is an even number

fairest: I'm gonna smack you

wolfchild: -30 and -50 have an e in them

animal.rights: that doesn't matter because -30 and -50 are E V E N 

evilfairy.io: Wait why are we so quick to throw away the Zero idea

smileandwaveboys: Zero isn't a number

fairest: did you just try to tell me zero isn't a number where the fuck did you go to school? 

evilfairy.io: It can't be divided by two though, can it

love(goddess): It can??? 0/2=0??

dancing.swan: OD NUMBERS onE thrEE fivE sEvEn ninE

dancing.queen: OD numbers huh? 

animal.rights: Anything that ends with a 0,2,4,6,8 is even and the rest is odd (1,3,7,9) stop freaking out y'all

haircutgurl: YOU FORGOT 5

mad.teapot: HEY SLUTS WHAT ABOUT FOUR

headswillroll: What about it?????

mad.teapot: THAT DOESN'T HAVE E IN IT

sleepy_gurl: THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S EVEN?????

dj_queen: A R E Y O U G U Y S O K A Y

xX_Just.right_Xx: IM FREAKING SOBBING HAVAGAFDHFDHHBJJ 

fairest: I regret my originally statement.

evilfairy.io: Have you met us? We turn everything into a whole to-do. 

headswillroll: So... Maddie ate weed brownies. Again. 

smileandwaveboys: I can't wait to see why stupid shit she does this time 🤣 

headswillroll: me either! 

headswillroll: HOLY SHIT SHE KOOL-AID MANNED THROUGH THE WALL! 

sword.lady: So THAT'S why I heard crashing and someone screaming OH YEAH! at the top of their lungs. 

wolfchild: Is she really standing there blaring I Kissed a Girl?! In the middle of the hallway?! 

sleepy_gurl: it is taking every fiber of my being not to run out there and scream the lyrics right now... 

dancing.swan: Anyway, the best gay song is cool for the summer 

haircutgurl: How is it gay??? 

dancing.swan: Well, for starters, "I'm a little curious too". 

haircutgurl: Huh. I guess it is gay. 

evilfairy.io: Hey, don't forget about the whole refrain part! "Got a taste for the cherry" REALLY?! COULD IT GET ANY GAYER?! 

love(goddess): I don't get it. 

dancing.queen: Cherry? As in the body part...? 

love(goddess): What part is it...? 

fairest: Oh for fucks- It's a vagina.

love(goddess): Oh... 

xX_Just.right_Xx: I was watching Maddie be Maddie why is Cupid brighter pink than she usually is? 

sword.lady: Read up. 

xX_Just.right_Xx: Ah. Got it. 

animal.rights: Y'all are wrong, the best gay song is Addicted to You. 

smileandwaveboys: Isn't that one really sad...? 

headswillroll: Why does Bad Guy come up as the third youtube result when you search gay songs...?

haircutgurl: I WILL NEVER GET INTO A CAR WITH DUCHESS AGAIN. 

dancing.swan: Babe, it was looking at me! 

haircutgurl: IT WAS NOT! 

dancing.swan: Don't y'all hate it when you girlfriend ignores an evil creature plotting your death??? 

dancing.queen: What did Duchess fuck up this time? 

fairest: Poppy, by the looks of her. 

evilfairy.io: and I oop- 

animal.rights: It looks like your leg went through a cheese grater, you're soaking wet, and you have twigs in your hair. What happened? 

haircutgurl: Okay, so, Duchess and I are supposed to go to the mall today, right? Duchess is driving the car on the highway, for whatever reason, and there's a dragonfly in the car. 

dancing.swan: I told you, it would be quicker to get to the mall! 

haircutgurl: And she pulls the car over on the SIDE OF THE HIGHWAY and gets OUT OF THE CAR screaming. Leaves the door open and everything. 

dancing.swan: THAT DRAGONFLY WAS LOOKING AT ME. IT HAD PLANS FOR ME, I TELL YOU! 

haircutgurl: And this huge semi-truck comes flying by at like 100 miles and hour honking and she almost gets RUN OVER. 

dancing.swan: as god as my witness the dragonfly wanted me to get hit 

haircutgurl: So I get out of the car and I literally grab the dragonfly and throw it and I yell at Duchess to get back in the car, then I go around the passenger side to get in, only as I grab the door, she starts pulling away and I loose my balance and fall down into a ditch. 

dancing.swan: Totally my fault. Sorry babe. 

haircutgurl: So here I am, rolling down a ditch, managing to catch my leg on every single rock, and I'm wondering if I'm going to hit my head and finally be free of this hellhole, when I land face-first in a creek and smash my head into a soda can that was floating there. I drank like half the water in the thing, so I'm probably going to get tetanus or something, and I had to haul myself back up the ditch and into the car. 

dancing.queen: Okay, but like, she didn't have to haul herself up the ditch, I tried to help her, but she just kicked me in the shin. 

love(goddess): Lesson learned. Never get in the car with a crazy person. 

dancing.swan: Okay, but to be fair, we both laughed until we were out of breath 5 minutes later. 

haircutgurl: Yeah, but now I've got to figure out some way to explain to the school nurse why me leg is all fucked up. I don't think "my girlfriend got scared of a dragonfly" will cut it. 

mad.teapot: CUT it- ayyyyyyy 👈👉

headswillroll: get the fuck out

mad.teapot: yes ma'am


	23. Bread

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ramona: Just don't fuck this up like you fuck everything else up, got it, clusterfuck? 
> 
> Faybelle: I know I should be offended but I'm too relieved to care 
> 
> Rosabella: Aww. I ship.

class chat 

Maddie: JumP ofg the traMpiline and lanf in ur nek 

Raven: What? 

Darling: Good fucking morning everyone. 

Duchess: I'm dead inside. 

Maddie: Jump iff the trampiliNe and lanx pn ur nek

Poppy: Are you as dead inside as I almost was outside a few hours ago? 

Duchess: How many times do I have to say I'm sorry?

Poppy: ONCE WOULD BE NICE. 

Duchess: I ALREADY SAID IT ONCE. 

Poppy: THEN TWICE. I ALMOST FUCKING DIED. 

Maddie: Jymp off tje trampiline and Lsnd on ur nek 

Duchess: You're being dramatic

Poppy: I'm going to shove you face first down a ditch into a creek and see how you like it 

Ashlynn: I'm so confused... 

Duchess: I'm sorry I pulled the car over on the highway because of a dragonfly THAT WANTED ME DEAD and that I pulled away before you could get back in and sent you into a ditch. 

Poppy: FUCKING THANK YOU! 

Holly: What happened?! 

Maddie: Bow ur nek is brokin and ur hed looks dum 

Cedar: So nobody's going to ask what's wrong with Maddie? 

Rosabella: She's a creepy sadist. 

Blondie: Wait, Poppy Duchess why were you guys going to the mall at 3:30 in the morning anyway? Isn't it closed? 

Duchess: For a tik tok, duh. 

Cupid: Sounds reasonable to me! 

Maddie: BOWNCE OFF THR TRAMPILINE AND AM FOR TBE POOL 

Maddie: U MISED TYE FUCKING POOL NOE U LOOK LIKE A JAKASS

Ramona: She still high? 

Kitty: Nope. 

Lizzie: Now she's drunk. 

Maddie: A BLUE CATERPILLAR GAVE ME ALCAHAL.

Sparrow: GIVE ALCOHOL 

Maddie: No mune bitch

Sparrow: Aight I'll just break into your down and take it 

Maddie: I will rip your fucking face apart 

Maddie: ...HI SKOOL SWET HARTS 

Faybelle: FUCK SHIT BITCH DAMN COCKSUCKER 

Holly: WATCH YOUR PROFANITY 

Briar: What the hell is your problem? 

Faybelle: PUSSY ASSHOLE CUNT 

Maddie: ...mOTHERFUCKING DIRTY WHORE SHAT ONTO MY LUNCH 

Faybelle: PISS CUNT DAMN BITCH SUCK MY DICH 

Maddie: JESUS HAROLD CHRIST 

Faybelle: SHIT BITCH COCKSUCKER 

Maddie: GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKER 

Faybelle: PUSSY ASSHOLE CUNT 

Apple: Guys what the shit did I just witness? 

Kitty: Mads is still drunk and Idfk about Gaybelle 

Kitty: *Faybelle 

Faybelle: I DIDN'T DO MY GENERAL VILLANY HOMEWORK AND I HAVE TO TURN IT IN TODAY OR GET A MONTH'S DETENTION BECAUSE IT'S ALREADY A DAY LATE 

Duchess: Welp. You're clearly fucked. 

Faybelle: BITCH HELP ME 

Ramona: Jesus fucking Christ I'm going to regret this- 

Ramona: Come find me in the cafeteria. You can copy my answers. 

Faybelle: OMFGTHANKYOUYOUREAGODSEND 

Ramona: Just don't fuck this up like you fuck everything else up, got it, clusterfuck? 

Faybelle: I know I should be offended but I'm too relieved to care 

Rosabella: Aww. I ship. 

Ramona: Bitch 

Rosabella: ☺️ 

Raven: Someone tell me why I just got an email saying I'm hired to work at Hocus Latte and I have to come in in like an hour? 

Dexter: Did you even apply to work there Rae? 

Raven: Yeah... but it's 7:00 in the morning on a Saturday! 

Dexter: Well you should go in since you did apply. 

Raven: I guess... but it's so early! 

Apple: Raven. Listen to me. Stop being lazy, get up, and do something for once. Go get that bread. 

Maddie: YEAH RAVEN! GO OBTAIN THAT GRAIN! 

Raven: I- 

Raven: Maddie what- 

Darling: Go yeet that wheat Raven 

Raven: What is happening here

Cupid: Go attain that loaf 

Raven: It's getting worse

Briar: Go collect that baguette girl! 

Blondie: Go gather that bagel! 

Duchess: I couldn't possible care any less but I want to join the bread thing so... go capture the crumpet I guess 

Faybelle: I second what Duchess said but I'm telling you to seize the brioche 

Lizzie: Ignore what they said and go procure that puta! 

Lizzie: I meant go procure the PITA. Don't go procure the bitch because that's probably not a great way to start a new job. 

Raven: I- what? Is happening here? I'm confused. 

Poppy: Just go acquire the sourdough Raven 

Rosabella: Go poses the pumpernickel! 

Justine: Go burglarize the croissants 

Apple: Please ignore the people who manages to tURN AN INSPIRING ROOMMATE SPEACH INTO A JOKE. 

Faybelle: And they were roommates. 

Apple: NO, THEY WERE NOT ROOMMATES. THEY WERE ABSOLUTELY NOT ROOMMATES! 

Duchess: Oh my god they were roommates

Apple: I will kill both of you. 

Faybelle: AND THEY WERE ROOMMATES. 

Duchess: OH MY GOD THEY WERE ROOMMATES

Apple: That's it. You better run. 

Daring: Why did I wake up to 89 notifications and Apple chasing Faybelle and Duchess down the halls screaming "I'M GOING TO [bleep]ING KILL YOU [bleep]S!"? 

Cerise: Read up. 

Daring: So Maddie's drunk, Poppy and Duchess tried and failed to do illegal stuff for a TikTok, Faybelle is probably going to have detention, Raven got a job, bread, and Faybelle and Duchess called Apple and Raven roomates? 

Darling: YOU WEREN'T EVEN READING THE CHAT FOR A MINUTE BEFORE YOU RESPONDED HOW DID YOU DESCRIBE ALL THE CHAOS SO PERFECTLY?

Daring: Because, little sister, I'm so used to your chaos and disappointment that I can tell what's happening as it happens. 

Darling: fight me

Daring: Big talk for a damsel 

Darling: No, actually, fight me. I challenge you to a duel at lunch. The only weapons allowed are swords. Winner is the superior Charming. 

Daring: You actually think you can win? Fine, we fight at lunch. Winner is the superior Charming. I agree to your terms. 

Blondie: I NEED TO VIDEO THIS HOLY SHIT 

Darling: Please do. I want my brother's defeat on record. 

Daring: YOU'RE GOING DOWN. 

Darling: If by "going down" you mean "going to kick your ass", then yes, I am. 

Maddie: ME, HOLDING A GUN TO A MUSHROOM'S HEAD: "TELL ME THE NAME OF GOD YOU FUNGAL PIECE OF SHIT." mushroom: "can you feel your heart burning? can you you sense the struggle within? the fear within me is beyond anything your soul can make. you cannot kill me in a way that matters." ME, COCKING THE GUN, TEARS STREAMING DOWN MY FACE: "I'M NOT FUCKING SCARED OF YOU."

Holly: What? 

Cerise: I- 

Raven: Maddie-

Alistair: Are you on drugs Maddie? 

Poppy: Hey, Maddie, quick question: what the actual fuck does this mean? 

Maddie: Decay exists as an extant form of life. 

Poppy: That's a terrifying answer have a lovely day you fucking masochist 

Cedar: That answer and that first message had forever changed my view of one of my best friends and I will be haunted by this until my dying days.


	24. The Ten Duel Commandments

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blondie: If they don't reach a peace, that's alright, time to get some pistols and a doctor on site 
> 
> Daring: PISTOLS?! 
> 
> Darling: Relax, pussy. We're using double edged swords. 
> 
> Daring: Thank god!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Yes, I did directly steal the chapter name and all the song lyrics from Hamilton. Credit for that goes to Lin-Manuel Miranda)

Class chat 

Darling: WELL DARING? Who's your second for the duel?!

Daring: First if all, you were serious about the duel? 

Darling: Yep. Are we doing this or not bitch?

Daring: Fine. But what do you mean by "second"? 

Darling: Explain it to him, ladies. 

Maddie: 1 

Kitty: 2 

Lizzie: 3

Faybelle: 4

Blondie: 5

Cupid: 6

Justine: 7

Duchess: 8

Poppy: 9

Daring: Wat

Rosabella: ITS THE TEN DUEL COMMANDMENTS

Ramona: IT'S THE 10 DUEL COMMANDMENTS

Melody: Number 1 

Holly: Stop blowing up the group chat at 6:30 on a Sunday morning. 

Maddie: The challenge demands satisfaction. If they apologize, no need for further action 

Darling: So. You sorry that you said I'm a chaotic disappointing damsel? 

Daring: Why would I be? It's the truth, everyone knows it.

Darling: NUMBER 2 

Daring: Stop doing that 

Apple: If they don't, grab a friend, that's your second. Your lieutenant when there's refining to be reckoned. 

Daring: What's a second? 

Darling: Someone who negotiated the terms of the duel and who will take your place if you want to avoid it for any reason. 

Darling: My second is Apple. 

Daring: Apple? No offense, but she would probably skewer her foot 

Apple: But I am good at negotiating 

Darling: Anyways, I don't intend to back down. 

Daring: ...CERISE. 

Daring; WAKE UP. 

Daring: COME BE MY SECOND. 

Daring; MY INSANE SISTER WON'T LET THE DUEL HAPPEN WITHOUT THIS NONSENSE.

Cerise: JEEZ, I'M ALREADY AWAKE AND FINE I'LL BE YOUR SECOND IF YOU QUIT THE CAPS ABUSE

Poppy: NUMBER 3

Duchess: Have your seconds meet face to face. Negotiate a peace, or negotiate a time and place

Melody: this is commonplace, specially "'tween recruits 

Faybelle: MOST DISPUTES DIE ABD NO ONE SHOOTS

Daring: WAIT, SHOOTS?! 

Apple to Cerise

Apple has named the chat -Reckoning to be Reckoned- 

Apple: We going to try to come to an agreement or is this happening? 

Cerise: Both my best friend and my boyfriend are impossibly stubborn and neither of them will budge so... I'm going to say it's happening. 

Apple: Wait... your boyfriend...? 

Cerise: ...no?

Apple: I knew it. Faybelle owes me 20 bucks

Cerise: You were betting on whether we were together or not?! 

Apple: ...no? 

Cerise: Whatever. Just keep it quiet, got it? 

Apple: My lips are sealed 

Cerise: So when do they duel and where? 

Apple: Bookball field at 7:45 am? 

Cerise: I'll tell Daring. 

Class chat

Darling: NUMBER 4 

Blondie: If they don't reach a peace, that's alright, time to get some pistols and a doctor on site 

Daring: PISTOLS?! 

Darling: Relax, pussy. We're using double edged swords. 

Daring: Thank god! 

Cupid: You pay him in advance, you treat him with civility 

Daring: Why are we paying a doctor...? 

Darling: We're not. I convinced Ramona to get Mr Badwolf involved to "supervise". 

Ramona: You have him turn around so he can have deniability

Darling: That's not happening either 

Lizzie: FIVE 

Raven: Please stop blowing up the group chat. I'm begging you.

Melody: duel before the sun is in the sky 

Apple: Welp. Cerise and I fucked that one op majorly. 

Cerise: Yep. 

Faybelle: PICK A PLACE TO DIE WHERE IT'S HIGH AND DRY 

Daring: DIE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Cerise: the duel is happening a little downhill from the school and it rained last night 

Apple: We also fucked that one up. 

Rosabella: NUMBER 6

Briar: Leave a more for your next of kin, tell them where you've been

Duchess: pray that hell or heaven lets you in 

Darling: I have drafted a note for Mom and Dad telling them about the duel in the even that I lose. 

Poppy: SEVEN 

Kitty: Confess your sins ready for the moment of adrenaline when you finally face your opponent 

Darling: Nope. Not doing that. 

Daring: Fine by me 

Cupid: Number 8 

Maddie: Your last chance to negotiate 

Ramona: Send in your seconds see if they can set the record straight 

-Reckoning to be Reckoned- 

Apple: Let's talk this out like adults, even if the record will always be less straight than my hair 

Cerise: Daring told me he's not backing down unless she does first because it wouldn't be fair to duel you, meaning I would have to step in 

Apple: Darling told me she definitely will not back down unless he forfeits completely because he really pissed her off by calling her a disappointing damsel and also because she's sure I'll accidentally impale myself if I try to use a sword 

Cerise: So the duel is still on as scheduled, with Mr Badwolf "supervising" whatever that means? 

Apple: Yep. 

Cerise: Just so you know, I texted Daring last night tried my absolute best to get him to apologize. He said he might have gone too far with the comment, but he's too much of a stubborn jackass to admit it, pardon my language. 

Cerise: Tell Darling after she wins that he apologizes. 

Apple: Why don't you tell her, or better yet, have him tell her himself? 

Cerise: Because he needs an XXXXXXXL bookball helmet just to fit his ego, meaning I'm going to have to comfort him after his inevitable defeat. 

Apple: Wow, that's just... hilariously accurate but also really sad I am so sorry 

Cerise: Are they going to duel or what? 

Apple: Oh yeah! I'll come down with Darling right now!

Cerise: Good. We've been here for 15 minutes waiting for you guys 

Class Chat 

Darling: NUMBER 9 

Melody: Look 'em in the eye, aim no higher, summon all the courage you require 

Ramona: Then count 

Maddie: 1 

Kitty: 2 

Lizzie: 3

Faybelle: 4

Blondie: 5

Cupid: 6

Justine: 7

Duchess: 8

Poppy: 9

Rosabella: Number 10 paces 

Apple: FIRE 

Raven: What's happening? 

Ashlynn: I wish I had gone to watch the duel but it would only realistically get me in trouble if they got caught 

Hunter: I can sort of make it out from the woods. You should have joined me this morning Ash 

Farrah: What's happening??????? Anything interesting?? 

Holly: This duel thing is stupid. 

Sparrow: I'm betting someone $15 on Daring to win 

Farrah: I'll take those odds. 

Bunny: Did I just witness a poetry thing in the chat? 

Alistair: It's a song Bunny. 

Bunny: Oh. 

Cerise: It's over. 

Sparrow: Who won? 

Blondie has sent a video 

Sparrow: DAMN IT 

Farrah: YES! Pay up bitch! 

Raven: holy cheese that was the most epic thing I've ever witnessed 

Cedar: I'm rewatching the video again. It thought it was really funny when Daring dropped to his knees sobbing after Darling disarmed him 

Dexter: Thank you both for forgetting I exist entirely 

Darling: Oh... sorry bro... 

Dexter: No, actually, thank you. I don't want to have to explain that one to Mom and Dad if they find out. 

Apple: Oh, by the way, Darling, Daring told Cerise to tell me that he says he's sorry for the disappointing damsel comment

Darling: Cool. I don't really care. I'm satisfied that I won. 

Apple: Even though everyone involved now has detention because Grimm caught us coming back? 

Darling: Well, not about that. That fuckstick cumdumpster can go deepthroat a running chainsaw. 

Maddie: I have one of those in my hat!


	25. Fuck Gr*mm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The dickwad known as Headmaster Gr*mm takes things too far and the gays get even with him.

No hetero

sleepy_gurl: IN MY HOUSE, WE DON'T RUSH PEOPLE IN THE BATHROOM! 

evilfairy.io: IN MY HOUSE, WE DON'T EVEN HAVE BATHROOMS! 

sleepy_gurl: STOP HITTING THE DOOR WITH A BATTERING RAM! 

evilfairy.io: IT'S BEEN 2 HOURS! 

sleepy_gurl: YOU'RE IMPOSSIBLE! 

evilfairy.io: AT LEAST MY HEAD ISN'T A TEA KETTLE! 

sleepy_girl: WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?! 

evilfairy.io: I DON'T KNOW. I MIXED RED BULL AND ESPRESSO AND MOUNTAIN DEW AND NOW I CAN HEAR COLORS 

sleepy_gurl: THE FACT THAT YOU'RE ALIVE IS A MIRACLE 

mad.teapot: ...just stay alive that would be enough 

evilfairy.io: TELL ME SOMETHING I DON'T KNOW! 

sleepy_gurl: Shit. Wrong chat. Sorry guys! 

fairest: Guys what the actual fuck 

dancing.swan: Can't you have this argument in person? 

sleepy_gurl: text fighting is better because it keeps people out of your business 

wolfchild: So... how did that Red Bull/Mountain Dew/Espresso nightmare taste? 

evilfairy.io: Like a higher form of existence that allowed me to see through time itself. My heart began to vibrate faster than the wings of a hummingbird flying at top speed until I became an astral projection of myself and came face to face with the god-forsaken thing that saw fit to allow me to live on this Earth. It asked me to justify the space I filled, but the words barely resonated in my ears, for all I could hear was my tell-tale heart hammering in my chest, anxiously attempting to make its daring  
escape into the realm beyond the living world and all of the distractions this frivolous life creates.

wolfchild: ...sounds good where did you get the espresso from?

animal.rights: Babe... do I need to be worried...? 

wolfchild: Every single one of my teachers decided that they all needed to give us a test on the same day PLUS Professor Rumplestiltskin's test is going to be 20 pages long. 

dancing.queen: So your plan to get out of taking the tests is to take in so much caffeine your heart explodes? 

wolfchild: Ha ha. I need to study, dipshit. 

evilfairy.io: BRIAR. YOU LEAVE ME NO CHOICE. 

evilfairy.io: I'LL HAVE TO USE THE NUCLEAR OPTION.

sleepy_gurl: hoe don't u do it 

evilfairy.io: HUSH HUSH HUSH BLUSH BLUSH BLUSH YOU ARE NOW MY BIG FAT CRUSH 

love(goddess): What the fuck am I witnessing right now 

headswillroll: Chaos better than even Kitty could make 

smileandwaveboys: Fuck you 

headswillroll: Love you too babe! 

evilfairy.io: IM SINGLE AS I CAN BE YOURE SINGLE PERFECT FOR ME IM GONNA GIVE YOU A BUNCH OF REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD DATE ME 

sleepy_gurl: I'LL GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM IF YOU KNOCK IT OFF!! 

evilfairy.io: REASON NUMBER ONE I'M SUPER HOT REASON NUMBER TWO HE'S SUPER NOT REASON NUMBER THREE IM ALL YOU GOT AND ALL YOU GOT IS SOMEONE HOT 

sleepy_gurl: PLEASE STOP 

evilfairy.io: GIRL CHECK MY RÉSUMÉ YOU WANT A BACKGROUND CHECK OKAY FIRST NAME HOT AND LAST NAME BITCH WANNA GET WOTH ME NOW THAT'S THE SITCH 

sleepy_gurl: YOU CAN HAVE THE BATHROOM 

evilfairy.io: YOU THINK IM TRASH HELL NO IM CLASS AND I GOT A BIG FAT ASS AND ALL I GOTTA SAY IS 

sleepy_gurl:"and I got a big fat ass" bitch where? 

evilfairy.io: PLEASE DATE ME BECAUSE IM SINGLE S-I-N-G-L-E LOVE ME 

sleepy_gurl: FINISH THAT SONG HOE, I DARE YOU 

evilfairy.io: AND HUG ME AND TOUCH ME AND WELL FUCK ME 

sleepy_gurl: never mind the bathroom I'm gonna go drown myself in the toilet now

dj_queen: What the shit just happened 

evilfairy.io: The song I sang at Briar for 2 months straight last year trying to get her to go out with me 

sleepy_gurl: and you wonder why it took so long for me to ask you out 

evilfairy.io: bitch 

evilfairy.io: BABE WAIT DONT ACTUALLY DROWN YOURSELF IN THE TOILET 

mad.teapot: Did you motherfuckers know that an ostrich can kick the shit out of a lion so goddam hard the lion fucking dies right then and there? 

haircutgurl: Okay, what the fuck? 

mad.teapot: A huge giraffe bird can drop kick a 400 pound cat and kill its ass

mad.teapot: And the fucker can run 40 miles an hour. What would you do if you saw a chicken the roughly the size and speed of a small Jeep running at you and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicking your ass? 

sword.lady: Maddie, truly, what the fuck 

xX_Just.right_Xx: GUYS HOLY SHIT THIS IS ACTUALLY URGENT 

fairest: What is it???? 

xx_Just.right_Xx: You know Farrah Goodfairy? 

sleepy_gurl: Yes, who doesn't? She's awesome, Get to the point! 

xX_Just.right_Xx: She's being expelled. 

animal.rights: fucking what 

love(goddess): What did she do? 

xX_Just.right_Xx: I have no clue. 

headswollroll has added midnight_magic 

headswillroll: What did you do? 

midnight_magic: Ashlynn and I got caught kissing behind the school

smileandwaveboys: ... 

smileandwaveboys has added shoes 

smileandwaveboys: Why aren't you expelled then? 

shoes: My dumbass girlfriend took all the blame, but Grimm gave me detention. 

evilfairy.io: I thought you were dating Hunter? 

shoes: I was, but we were arguing way too much and both of us had feelings for other people. We're still best friends though. 

shoes: Wait, can I add Hunter and his bf? 

haircutgurl: Go for it 

shoes has added gatherer and sk8erboi 

dancing.swan: SPARROW?! 

sk8erboi: Why am I in a chat with a bunch of girls 

gatherer: STAY.

gatherer: Wait... no, that's a good question... 

haircutgurl: No, a good question is wHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU EVER DATE SPARROW???!!!??!!! 

sk8erboi: I don't have to take this shit. 

sk8erboi has left the chat 

haircutgurl: Fuck you too. 

gatherer: This chat seems chaotic 

midnight_magic: I've been here for all of 40 seconds and I've already read so much chaos... 

gatherer: Thanks for the warning. 

gatherer has left the chat 

shoes: ugh, boys 

sword.lady: Mood 

shoes: Anyway, I'm going to go yell at Farrah for getting herself expelled and then cry because I won't see her for forever after they officially kick her out brb

headswillroll: Y'all know we gotta avenge Farrah, right? 

smileandwaveboys: Can I propose an idea? 

dj_queen: Please do. We need the chaos queen's brain. 

smileandwaveboys: Okay. 

smileandwaveboys: So. 

smileandwaveboys: I got it. 

smileandwaveboys: I have a plan. 

smileandwaveboys; Here it is. 

wolfchild: Oh my fucking god get to the goddamn plan already 

smileandwaveboys: Shut up you idiotic fuck hammer I'm getting there.

smileandwaveboys: My plan: We paint every single wall except for in the school a different pride flag in the middle of the night, even the classrooms and especially Gr*mm's office. 

fairest: That's blatant vandalism and morally, it's wrong. 

love(goddess): BUZZKILL. 

fairest: HOWEVER, it's also wrong to kick Farrah out of school for being gay, and in math, two wrongs DO IN FACT make a right. 

evilfairy.io: I wanna blow some shit up! 

dancing.queen: Maybe you can set a bunch fireworks off outside as soon as we're done painting everything? 

sword.lady: Put a shut ton of fireworks in some metal trash cans so they get blown up and also make a louder sound. 

smileandwaveboys: YES. And then I'll teleport you back to your dorm. 

animal.rights. okay, but everyone needs to run back to their dorms and change really quickly so they can wake up and run into the halls and looks super scared and disoriented with everyone else 

xX_Just.right_Xx: Yes. Thank god someone's thinking here because otherwise we would have all been busted! 

mad.teapot: Okay, but can I paint a bunch of middle fingers all over the dickhole's office? 

sword.lady: Maddie, you can paint as many middle fingers as you want. 

mad.teapot: YAY! :D

midnight_magic: Okay, so I just got yelled at. What did I miss? 

sleepy_gurl: We're going to avenge you Farrah. 

shoes: I legally need to be a part of this. 

midnight_madness: I can't ask you guys to risk getting detention or worse for me. I'm fine, really. 

shoes: Babe, no. We're doing this. 

dancing.swan: This is going to be a big project, we might need some more hands

dancing.swan has added sk8erboi and gatherer 

dancing.swan: WE HAVE REVENGE PLANNED STAY 

gatherer: You guys are going to avenge Farrah? 

sk8erboi: Hell yeah this sounds chaotic I'm in 

midnight_magic: Thank you guys for doing this 

shoes: Don't worry about it <3 

fairest: It's what friends do. 

sleepy_gurl: VENGEANCE!


	26. Vive La Révolution!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ashlynn: Suck my dick Faybelle. 
> 
> Faybelle: I'm pretty sure you don't have one of those 
> 
> Ashlynn: Not my literal dick, my metaphorical dick. Suck my spirit penis. 
> 
> Faybelle: No 🖤
> 
> —or—
> 
> VENGENCE for Farrah’s expulsion!

No hetero 

shoes: IT IS 9:30 PM, I GOT A SHIT TON OF PAINT AND A TASTE FOR VENGENCE, NOW WHO'S READY TO GO AVENGE MY GIRLFRIEND??!!

midnight_magic: avenge me babe! 

fairest: Does everyone have a copy of the school's floor plan that says what flag goes on what wall? 

love(goddess): yeet 

dancing.queen: Faybelle you got the fireworks? 

evilfairy.io: I just got more from my guy in an alley in Bookend like an hour ago. 

haircutgurl: that's mildly terrifying and I'm glad to hear it

xX_Just.right_Xx: I got a bunch of cheap ponchos we can just yeet away when we're done. Put your pajamas in under them so you don't have to change like you're in a musical and it's between scenes 

dancing.queen: but I am in a musical 

xX_Just.right_Xx: But you're not right now, are you? 

haircutgurl: I got beanies for you fuckers to tie your hair back under because wall paint is a bitch to get out of hair and that would get y'all caught for sure 

wolfchild: nOt ThE bEaNiEs!!1!!! 

haircutgurl: relax, they were like ¢50 and they suck ass 

wolfchild: I want to keep my beanie 

haircutgurl: then you better be careful with the paint 

sleepy_gurl: I have a fuckton of painter's tape because the lines need to be straighter than all of us combined

sword.lady: what, like that's hard? I could paint a line blindfolded and freehanded with the middle of the blade of a sword and still have it be straighter than any of you fuckers

dj_queen: Why are the lines on pride flags straight though...? 

smileandwaveboys: Actually... that is weird though... 

dj_queen: RIGHT?! 

mad.teapot: I kidnapped 18 shopping carts from a grocery store so we can move the paint around the school silently 

sk8erboi: I'm pretty sure that's a felony. 

sk8erboi: I am clearly not worthy of being in the presence of such a master 

mad.teapot: That's right, bow down to me peasant! 

headswillroll: Can we go over who's painting which flag one more time? 

sword.lady: I'm painting all the lesbians flags I'm the school

wolfchild: I got all the rainbow ones 

midnight_magic: I'm doing the bi flags 

mad.teapot: I get to do all the pan flags! 

xX_Just.right_Xx: I'm painting the ace flags 

dancing.queen: I got all the aro flags 

haircutgurl: I'm painting all the demisexual flags. Heads up, the triangles will probably look like trapezoids because I can't angle tape for shit 

fairest: I'll paint all the trans flags around the school 

love(goddess): I'm doing nonbinary 

shoes: I got genderfluid 

sk8erboi: I do polysexual 

dancing.swan: Agender 

gatherer: I'm doing the blue gay male one 

dj_queen: I'm painting the demiromantic one 

evilfairy.io: I'm doing intersex because it's arguable the easiest one so I can go set the fireworks up outside easier 

animal.rights: I'm doing the omnisexual flags 

smileandwaveboys: I'm doing genderqueer 

midnight_magic: And you're going to do polyamorous because we all trust you more than anyone not to fuck up the pi symbol 

headswillroll: Alright, I just wanted to make sure I knew all the flags because I sewed a bunch of huge pride flags that were all those exactly to attach to the outside of the school with super industrial strength superglue and a lot of nails. 

gatherer: ...when you say huge... how huge are you talking...? 

headswillroll: 5.8 meters x 10.3 meters 

gatherer: Eye- 

dancing.swan: How big is that in American? 

headswillroll: about 19 feet x 38 feet 

dancing.swan: Holy shit 

headswillroll: I made 2 of each flag for us to put on the outside of the school 

sword.lady: how is that even humanely possible 

headswillroll: I was really pissed about Farrah being expelled 

midnight_magic: I'm flattered but that doesn't answer the question 

mad.teapot: Princess sews when she gets stressed 

smileandwaveboys: she's from wonderland and Maddie was with her all afternoon, do you really want to question anything that happened in that time? 

midnight_magic: I guess not but wow 

headswillroll: I also made curtains 

fairest: Alright, curfew checks just happened. We are a-go in plan vengence! 

evilfairy.io: y'all, give me your paint cans and brushes when you're done so I can blow them up too 

evilfairy.io: get rid of the evidence 

dancing.swan: smarrrrrt 

sword.lady: y'all have it easy, you aren't painting the walls outside the dorms! 

gatherer: I am. 

sword.lady: so... do we leave the doors alone or... 

gatherer: I'm just going to spraypaint the boys' doors with no tape 

sword.lady: tubular, let's fucking do it my guy 

haircutgurl: Honestly? If there's someone inside that's room, that's a good idea 

wolfchild: yee haw, I get to paint outside the fucking teacher's rooms 

sleepy_gurl: fun 

sk8erboi: What's the color order of the polysexual flag again 

gatherer: it's????? Literally your sexuality????? How do you not know????? What the flag looks like????? 

sk8erboi: give me a fucking break, I just know that green is in the middle 

fairest: I think any flag that has pink blue and one other color, pink is on top and blue is on bottom 

midnight_magic: bi flag) pink, purple, blue 

mad.teapot: pan flag) pink yellow blue 

gatherer: polysexual flag (by the way sparrow) pink green blue 

sk8erboi: oh. Thx babe

dancing.swan: holy fuck

dancing.swan: illuminati confirmed? 

dancing.queen: realityisanillusiontheuniverseisahologrambuygoldbye 

xX_Just.right_Xx: *Bill Cypher intensifies* 

evilfairy.io: Okay, but you can't honestly look at me and tell me that Wendy was straight 

wolfchild: no way was she straight. The girl rocked a flannel for the whole fucking summer and her idea of dressing nice for a party was to slap a bow tie over it

shoes: Mabel was pan change my mind 

mad.teapot: yes, finally a character that I can project onto without anyone telling me I'm wrong! 

fairest: I mean... mood...? 

animal.rights: I feel bad for not knowing this but... what's y'all actual sexualities? Because I only know like two of you... 

mad.teapot: bread 

smileandwaveboys: bread isn't a sexuality babe 

mad.teapot: bread in Spanish is pan. 

smileandwaveboys: I'll allow it 

dancing.swan: I put the bi in bitch 

shoes: but you're a bitch either way 

dancing.swan: your point? 

wolfchild: Lesbian here. 

sword.lady: was there ever any doubt that I'm 100% flaming homo? 

sk8erboi: polysexual. As you know because WHAT THE FUCK IS THE ORDER OF THE FLAG ffssakscxafscac 

love(goddess): Pan. Not the god, not bread, not the frying type, before anyone say anything. 

sleepy_gurl: also Pan

smileandwaveboys: BI the way Cupid, nobody was going to say shit 

gatherer: pun? 

smileandwaveboys: no, I just spelled "by" that way on accident and it also just so happens to be capitalized. 

gatherer: 🖕

smileandwaveboys: 🖕🖕

dancing.queen: also bi 

fairest: I feel like most of us are bi... (myself included) 

shoes: I mean... I'm polysexual... 

midnight_magic: I'm also bi, and I get that same feeling... 

headswillroll: I'm not bi, just straight up lesbian 

smileandwaveboys: are you really STRAIGHT up anything? 

headswillroll: Kitty, bby, I love you, but stfu. 

xX_Just.right_Xx: Pan here! 

gatherer: Bi... maybe...? Who knows honestly, I just know I'm not straight but I'm also not gay... 

shoes: oof lmao 

haircutgurl: I'm bi 

animal.rights: I'm pan

evilfairy.io: You all sound so fucking boring right now. "I'm this. I'm that. I'm this other thing." Spice up how you say it! 

midnight_magic: Or maybe, just maybe, you could spice it up yourself???? 

evilfairy.io: my nickname is literally Gaybelle and you think there's even a shred of heterosexuality in me? 

midnight_magic: Well I haven't been in this chat long enough to know your nickname is gay Gaybelle, now have it? 

evilfairy.io: ...fuck, logic. 

dj_queen: ...I literally walked around school with a lesbian pride pin yesterday... 

fairest: I just hit my fucking finger with a hammer 

sword.lady: ohmygodappleareyouokay

fairest: I'll live, relax

animal.rights: Apple you gots an overprotective girlfriend 

evilfairy.io: Y'all meet me outside with the buckets and ponchos and shit and then go back to your fucking dorms! 

sk8erboi: It's only 4am? 

mad.teapot: ...FoUr A.m. BeSiDe MySeLf AnD wHaT i ThiNk aNd MeNtAl HeAlTh!!1!! 

gatherer: ...what 

mad.teapot: It's imagine dragons, you absolute heathen 

smileandwaveboys: Imma go get ready to get Gaybelle back to her dorm quick everyone in your dorms? 

fairest: Yep 

sleepy_gurl: ye 

sk8erboi: yee haw me beets 

mad.teapot: Lizzie's in our dorm 

smileandwaveboys: that's normal. Cool.

sleepy_gurl: Fay, when did you rig the loudspeakers go play Blow by Kesha as the explosions went off?????

dancing.swan: Nevermind when she did it, HOW did that dumbass do it?! 

evilfairy.io: I'll never tell 

fairest: I know a little coding and hacking and she begged me to do it 

evilfairy.io: bitch 

Class chat

Holly: What was that noise?! 

Raven: Where's that music coming from?! 

Daring: Why are the walls all blue and green striped? 

Cerise: They're pink and orange striped on the girls' side 

Justine: Nooooo, they even got the doors! 

Dexter: It looks like the rest of the halls are all different colors too

Alistair: the one closest to the boys' dorms is red blue and black with some kind of weird symbol... 

Humphrey: that's a pi symbol, Alistair... 

Maddie: Well who doesn't love pie?! 

Humphrey: No, pi, like the... nevermind 

Ginger: The wall closest to the girls' dorms is gray white purple and black striped 

Bunny: Who do you think did it?

Cedar: Duchess left our dorm earlier,

Duchess: I went to get chips dumbass, that's why there's a bad of them on my vanity 

Cedar: There is a bag of chips there... I was wrong, it wasn't Duchess. 

Duchess: Besides, do you really think one person painted the entire school? 

Ramona: Bro, look out the windows! 

Justine: Why? 

Ramona: Just do it! 

Darling: Holy fucking fabric... 

Apple: Why do you guys think we all just got called to the auditorium? 

Kitty: So Grimm is just expelling Farrah at 4 in the morning in front of the whole school? Just because she kissed Ashlynn? 

Faybelle: He's not even giving her a chance to get her shit from her dorm! 

Kitty: it's bullshit is what it is

Holly: he's EXPELLING her because she kissed Ashlynn?! Something about that doesn't sit right with me... 

Poppy: MABYE. It's the fact that it's got to be ILLLEGAL. To EXPELL someone from SCHOOL. Over a fucking KISS???? 

Apple: It unfortunately isn't illegal. It's still the stupidest fucking thing I've ever heard in my life, but there's no laws against it. 

Ashlynn: Did Farrah just give us all peace signs as she left??? With a SMILE on her face??? 

Duchess: Nevermind the peace signs, did you all hear what she said? 

Daring: It was vulgar. 

Lizzie: I'm the one who introduced her to that song in the first place! 

Farrah: Just a recap of my last words to y'all before you boot me from the group, just in case you wanna screenshot this to remember it longer:

Farrah: 🎶 I've no more fucks to give, my fucks have runneth dry, I've tried to go fuck shopping but there's no fucks left to buy 🎵 I've no more fucks to give, more fucks I've tried to get, I'm over my fuck budget and I'm now in fucking debt!🎶 

Farrah: So yeah, this place has been hell, but you bitches weren't all that bad and I might actually miss some of you. ✌️😁✌️ 

-Farrah has left the chat- 

Ashlynn: ...I'll miss her for sure. 

Faybelle: Like she's not going to spend the rest of her life being your fairy godmother because fairies die if they don't follow their destiny and she seems to genuinely care about you anyway 

Ashlynn: Suck my dick Faybelle. 

Faybelle: I'm pretty sure you don't have one of those 

Ashlynn: Not my literal dick, my metaphorical dick. Suck my spirit penis. 

Faybelle: No 🖤

no hetero

fairest: At least we don't have to clean up the school 

midnight_magic: GREAT WORK OUT THERE GUYS! He didn't suspect any of you! 

gatherer: Well. This has been fun. 

gatherer: FUCK THIS SHIT I'M OUT 

-gatherer has left the chat- 

sk8erboi: I don't want to be hanging out with a bunch of girls 

dancing.swan: You hang out with me all the time 

sk8erboi: You like to call yourself my best friend. I disagree but... 

-dancing.swan has removed sk8erboi from the chat- 

dancing.swan: Perfect.


	27. The Crackheads Are Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> midnight_magic: Anyway here's a good pun. What do you call a pansexual named Nick who works at a CD store? 
> 
> midnight_magic: pan nick at the disc co. 
> 
> fairest: get the fuck out 
> 
> —and now back to our regularly scheduled crack—

no hetero 

mad.teapot: BOYS AND GIRLS OF EVERY AGE 

mad.teapot: WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE SOMETHING STRANG 

mad.teapot: COME WITH US AND YOU WILL SEE 

mad.teapot: THIS OUR TOWN OF HALLOWEEN 

shoes: no 

mad.teapot: yes 

smileandwaveboys: It's spooky season bitch 

-shoes has left the chat-

-midnight_magic has added shoes to the chat-

midnight_magic: Stayyyyyyyyyy 

animal.rights: ...THAT'S WHEN I BEGAN TO PRAY

love(goddess): LORD SHOW ME HOW TO SAY NO TO THIS 

shoes: no. 

dj_queen: it's really that simple, huh? 

shoes: I really don't want to be in this chat. 

-shoes has left the chat-

midnight_magic: Well I'm dating a buzzkill 

midnight_magic: Wait, so this chat has been dead for two weeks and I always forget to ask Ash: did they ever fix our prank? 

sleepy_gurl: 90% of the school's budget goes to the bookball team and the rest goes to brainswashingly inaccurate "history". What do you think? 

midnight_magic: So the whole school is still prideified, got it. 

fairest: Wait, Farrah, aren't you in trouble for getting expelled? 

midnight_magic: My mom was confused when I showed up at 4am. 

midnight_magic: Then she was pissed at me for getting expelled. 

midnight_magic: Then she was furious at Gr*mm for expelling me after I told her what happened. 

midnight_magic: Then she was laughing when I told her about the prank. I'm not even grounded

sword.lady: speaking of brainwashingly inaccurate "history" HOLY SHIT I WANT TO KILL SOMEONE BUT ALSO I'M DYING 

fairest: What? 

sword.lady: we're talking about ancient greece and Madam Yaga said something about Sappho and asked if anyone knew who she was so I raised my hand and said "she was the OG lesbian" 

sword.lady: so madam yaga said "no, she's not, she was a poet from the island of lesbos." And I was like "Yeah, but she was also the og lesbian." 

sword.lady: AND THIS DUMBASS TEACHER JUST FUCKING TOLD US ALL THAT SAPPHO WAS STRAIGHT BECAUSE SHE HAD A HUSBAND: KERKYLAS OF ANDROS. 

sword.lady: THAT TRANSLATES TO DICK ALLCOKS FROM MAN ISLAND 

evilfairy.io: SHE DID NOT JUST TELL EVERYONE SAPPHO WAS STRAIGHT, I'M ABOUT TO THROW HANDS 

wolfchild: The whole REASON lesbians are called lesbians is because Sappho, THE OG LESBIAN, was from the island of Lesbos. The whole REASON non-straight girls are called sapphic is because SAPPHO was THE OG LESBIAN. 

love(goddess): My dad met her a couple times. She was gay as FUCK. 

dancing.queen: So we're just not gonna talk about Dick Allcocks from Man Island? Okay then. 

haircutgurl: "No, I'm totally not a lesbo, my super actual husband is named Dick Allcocks, he's from Man Island, I'm totally a megahet. No homo in sight!" 

xX_Just.right_Xx: "Sweet mother, I cannot weave— Aphrodite has overcome me with longing for a girl" ~Sappho 

headswillroll: You really want to tell me this bitch was straight? 

dancing.swan: omw to go beat up madam yaga

midnight_magic: Anyway here's a good pun. What do you call a pansexual named Nick who works at a CD store? 

midnight_magic: pan nick at the disc co. 

fairest: get the fuck out 

midnight_magic: Fine, do you want me to close the goddamn door too?

haircutgurl: I've got a good pun. Nobody but the one true king could remove the sword from the stone because they didn't have... ARTHURization. 

evilfairy.io: THIS PUN IS BAD AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD 

dancing.swan: THIS PUN IS GREAT AND YOU SHOULD FEEL GREAT

mad_teapot: You eat 100 ears of corn in 2 hours. "I am the corn king!" You cry out. "I cannot be outcorned!" I then respond by eating 101 ears of corn in 10 seconds. You ask how. "Just another day in the corn fields," I reply. 

animal.rights: hey, quick question, what the fuck? 

mad.teapot: corn

animal.rights: That doesn't help at all thank you for your time

sword.lady: So y'all know She-Ra, right? 

dancing.queen: the 80's or the remake? 

xX_Just.right_Xx: Yes to both. 

sword.lady: Okay, so Adora is so relatable in the first episode because like... she falls 80 feet into unknown jungle terrain after brunch choked by a vine and blacking out, she sees a glowy sword in the middle of said unknown jungle terrain, and her first thought is "oh, tubular, let's fuckin' touch it my dudes" 

dj_queen: If you think about it, the word nun is just he letter n doing a cartwheel 

dancing.swan: hold up-

sleepy_gurl: Surgury is just stabbing someone to life instead of to death 

fairest: never become a doctor 

wolfchild: Is Pinocchio said "my nose will grow right now", what would happen? 

haircutgurl: ...fuck, now I gotta ask Cedar that question 

love(goddess): if you wear cowboy boots, are you ranch dressing? 

headswillroll: I hate all of you bye 

smileandwaveboys: Even me? 🥺 

headswillroll: Nah, I love you. 

mad.teapot: do you hate me???? 

headswillroll: I love you too. KITTY AND MADDIE ARE THE ONLY TWO WHO ARE EXEMPT FROM THE FOLLOWING STATEMENT: I hate all of you cans you can all go fuck yourselves 

evilfairy.io: Well zoo we mama and fuck me gently with a fidget spinner 

sleepy_gurl: ???? Are you??? Good????? 

evilfairy.io: ye, I'm Gucci, I just dropped my pencil. 

dancing.swan: FUCK. It's general villany next! 

evilfairy.io: Why do you take general villany anyway? 

dancing.swan: Because my destiny is so fucked up that I'm the villain of my own story 

wolfchild: oof 

haircutgurl: can we get an f in the chat? 

dancing.swan: Don't even think about it bitch 

dancing.swan: Also. Fuck you Poppy 

wolfchild: Holy fuck we just sat down and my dad has already given us homework 

sleepy_gurl: f 

dj_queen: f

sword.lady: f

xX_Just.right_Xx: f

wolfchild: I'm getting in trouble for being on my phone, brb 

dancing.swan: Holy shit. She just turned on a small fan(????) stood on her desk and told mr Badwolf to fuck off. 

evilfairy.io: then she was like "not all heroes wear capes. But..." and he yeeted her sweater across the room to reveal a fucking cape and she was like "this one does" 

dancing.swan: The fan is blowing the cape and she's doing the fucking superhero pose lmao 

wolfchild: "No you're not, sit down." Try me hoe. 

fairest: Damn. Mr Badwolf is a savage. 

wolfchild: It's none of your fucking business 

fairest: "iT's NoNe Of YoUr FuCKiNg BuSiNeSs!!1!" Bitch I'm on season 3 of your bullshit

dancing.swan: Hold up, I just remembered something. 

smileandwaveboys: What

dancing.swan: Rosabella call Ramona 

animal.rights: why

dancing.swan: Just do it. 

animal.rights: Okay...? 

evilfairy.io: pffffft- 

evilfairy.io: her ringtone for Rosabella is Sucker for Pain and Duchess just looked over her shoulder and announced to the whole class that it was Rosabella calling 

midnight_magic: And I oop- 

love(goddess): Wait... what's sucker for pain? 

mad.teapot: ...I TORTURE YOUUUU TAKE MY HAND THROUGH THE FLAME I TORTURE YOUUUU I'M A SLAVE TO YOUR GAMES I'M JUST A SUCKER FOR PAIN I WANNA CHAIN YOU UP I WANNA TIE YOU DOWN WOOOO OOOO OOO OOO I'M JUST A SUCKER FOR PAIN 

sword.lady: kinky-

wolfchild: NO. 

animal.rights: I'm scared to ask but why is that your ringtone for me? 

wolfchild: Because you told me that’s your favorite song 

animal.rights: I said that once, in passing, 8 months ago. 

dancing.swan: Wow I didn't know a person could turn that red

wolfchild: shut the fuck up before I claw your eyes out slowly and rip your heart out through your ass you little shit stain 

dancing.queen: Wow, no need to be so violent!

dancing.queen: I’m playing among us in class right now. 

sleepy_gurl: same. I just cut the oxygen and killed someone lmao 

dancing.queen: ...pink avatar named panzzzz? 

sleepy_gurl: Yeah... why? 

dancing.queen: Bitch. I’m the yellow one named tutu. You just fucking killed me! 

sleepy_gurl: Oops :)

sleepy_gurl: WAIT NO DON’T TELL EVERYONE I KILLED YOU 

sleepy_gurl: DAMN IT! 

dancing.queen: karma’s a bitch 

dj_queen: lmao 

fairest: You guys play among us too?!

sword.lady: ye 

xX_Just.right_Xx: Duh 

haircutgurl: I’m in Rumplestiltskin’s class rn and I have one earbud in my sleeve and my hand up to my ear and I’m listening to MCR and right when it said the line “all teenagers scare the living shit out of me” Maddie dabbed and whacked Daring in the fucking face 

sword.lady: lmao he deserves it 

mad.teapot: his nose is bleeding now 

animal.rights: holy fuck how hard did you hit him 

smileandwaveboys: Maddie is secretly a fucking beast I bet she didn’t even dab harder than a normal human being 

mad.teapot: I did not 

haircutgurl: teenagers scare the living shit out of me 

dancing.swan: babe... you are a teenager... 

haircutgurl: My previous statement still stands. 

headswillroll: The Wonderlandians are a cell and Maddie is the mitochondria. <3

dj_queen: Okay, but I’m genuinely confused about how Christians can hear the song Take me to Church and hear the lyrics “there is no sweeter innocence than our gentle sin”, “shrine of your lies”, “offer me that deathless death”, “only then I am human only then I am clean”, “to keep the goddess on my side she demands a sacrifice”, and “we were born sick” and take that as pro Christianity??? 

love(goddess): I honestly think those people just saw the word church and nutted on the spot 

midnight_magic: That’s... a way to put it 

animal.rights: my whole family is religious and my grandmother plays Take Me to Church, Hallelujah (the version from shrek) and Like a Prayer on repeat during Christmas 

sleepy_gurl: either nobody knows or they don’t have the heart to tell her 

headswillroll: Sorry- the shrek version of hallelujah? Sung by Rufus Wainwright? That has the lyric “I remember when I moved in you the holy dark was moving too and every breath we drew was hallelujah”?? 

animal.rights: Yep. That’s the one.

headswillroll: and they really think that’s a good Christian song? 

sleepy_gurl: Basically. 

love(goddess): either the religious nuts are selectively oblivious, denser than a black hole, or insane because that song just basically screams “THIS IS ABOUT SEX.” 

wolfchild: I’m going to kill Faybelle.

sleepy_gurl: Why

evilfairy.io: I loudly said “Bro, I’m DEADASS hungry right now.” 

wolfchild: On reflex, I said “yeah, pizza, what you want?” 

evilfairy.io: and we went back and forth doing the boneless pizza skit. While simultaneously having a contest to see who could get the highest in the room. 

wolfchild: So I stood on my desk, in my dad’s classroom that’s covered in rainbow paint, screaming “JUST DON’T PUT THOSE SHITS IN MY PIZZA BRUH; how many times I gotta say it?” 

midnight_magic: yeah, that sounds like a you problem... 

wolfchild: go to hell Farrah, you’re not even in school 

midnight_magic: So it’s my fault that I got expelled now? 

dancing.swan: I got the boneless pizza thing on camera 

-dancing.swan has sent a video- 

sleepy_gurl: lmaoooo 

dancing.queen: wow you guys are dumb 

xX_Just.right_Xx: couple of idiots right there

mad.teapot: YAY, I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES RANDOM STUPID SHIT! 

wolfchild: “Make friends” they said. “It will be fun” they said. 

wolfchild: Don’t make friends. Don’t.


	28. Yer A Wizard Harry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry: I don't WANT to do your FUCKING spells you BASKET CASE! Stick it up your fucking DICK-HOLE!
> 
> Briar: sTiCk iT uP yOuR DiCk HoLe I'm dead- 
> 
> Blondie: ☠️
> 
> Hagrid: My fucking WHAT?!?!

-evilfairy.io has changed their name to Hagrid-

-Hagrid has added mad.teapot, smileandwaveboys, and wolfchild-

-Hagrid has named the chat Yer a Wizard Harry-

-Hagrid has changed mad.teapot's name to Harry- 

-Hagrid has changed smileandwaveboys's name to McGonagall-

-Hagrid has changed wolfchild's name to Dumblecunt-

Dumblecunt: Faybelle what the fuck 

Harry: Why do I have to be Harry? Nobody likes him! I wanna be McGonagall! 

Hagrid: no. You'll be Harry. 

Harry: ):|]

McGonagall: What are we even doing? 

Hagrid: You know the YouTube videos where Hagrid and Harry are arguing about if Harry should put his dick in his owl and then Dumbledore and McGonagall get into a fight about whether or not demons want to penis the students' bottoms? 

Dumblecunt: Only because Rosabella made me watch it last year 

Harry: I don't wanna stick my dick in an owl though 

McGonagall: You don't even have one Mads 

Harry: Oh yeah. Cool cool 

Dumblecunt: So why are we here exactly? 

Hagrid: We're going to go to the class chat and type the videos line by line. You guys are my actors and your names are your roles 

Dumblecunt: ...cool I'm in 

Harry: Yay! I get have a legit reason to sound like I'm on crack!

McGonagall: So you're telling me you want me to be a badass cat lady, scream at Ramona over the class chat, and cause a bunch of chaos? 

McGonagall: I'm in! 

Hagrid: Yay!

Hagrid: We're going to go break the only rule Holly set that hasn't been broken and go change our names quick! 

McGonagall: Let's mcfucking do it bitches 

Class Chat 

-Faybelle has ychanged their name to Hagrid-

Holly: I thought I told everyone to use their real names 

-Maddie has changed their name to Harry-

Holly: No why are you all doing this?! 

-Kitty has changed their name to McGonagall-

Holly: STOP 

-Ramona has changed their name to Dumblecunt- 

Briar: What's happening right now? 

Raven: It's 4 in the morning why are you all being annoying 

Hopper: I want to ssssssllllllleeeeeeeeeeeeeepppppp

Cerise: Why am I awake at 4 am for your nonsense? 

Darling: What bullshit is about to go down and how do I get a front row seat while staying out of the splash zone? 

Holly: Ramona... did your name have to have swearing in it? 

Hagrid: You're a wizard Harry.

Rosabella: ...is this what I think it is...? 

Harry: I'm a... WHAT?!

Poppy: What is it?

Hagrid: Harry, you're a wizard.

Apple: I think I know this too 

Rosabella: So is it that or are they just quoting the books? 

Harry: I'm a what?!

Apple: I think it is what we think it is 

Duchess: Anyone mind telling me why I'm awake at 4 in the morning to watch Maddie and Faybelle have a competition to see who can snork the most crack and still form coherent sentences? 

Hagrid: A wizard, Harry.

Rosabella: Is is why I think it is. 

Poppy: WHAT IS IT?! 

Harry: I'm a WIZARD?!

Apple: Enough extacy to kill a full grown rhino 

Lizzie: ...MADDIE WHY DID YOU GIVE EVERYONE EXTACY

Hagrid: Yes Harry, you're a wizard.

Sparrow: MADDIE HAS EXTACY?! 

Sparrow: AND SHE DIDN'T FUCKING SHARE?! 

Hunter: Sparrow no...

Harry: But I'm just Harry.

Lizzie: Maddie, sweetie, you're not Harry at all

Hagrid: Well, "Just Harry", you're a wizard.

Ashlynn: I feel like giving Maddie magic would go horrible... 

Raven: Yeah... Maddie, you're one of my best friends and I love you and all, but never use magic. Ever. 

Harry: But I'm just Harry!

Duchess: Bitch you ain't even Harry

Hagrid: No, "Just Harry", you - are a wizard!

Holly: Faybelle why do you want Maddie to have magic so much? 

Harry: Listen here Hagrid I'm just Harry!

Daring: What's happening here? 

Daring: It's 4 in the morning! 

Daring: I need my beauty sleep! 

Darling: Why? It hasn't done you any favors so far

Hagrid: NO! Harry, you are a wizard!

Briar: Faybelle. STOP TRYING TO GIVE THE CRACKHEAD BITCH MAGIC! 

Harry: I'm not a wizard, Hagrid, I'm just Harry!

Holly: Who is Harry? 

Hagrid: Listen Harry, you are a wizard!

Melody: Is this ever going to end? 

Harry: No Hagrid, I'm just Harry!

Blondie: BITCH WHO THE FUCK IS HARRY?! 

Lizzie: I DON'T FUCKING KNOW ALL I KNOW IS THAT'S MADDIE

Hagrid: Harry, for god's sake, you are a wizard!

Duchess: They mean Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, you uncultured swines! You know those books written by Molly Weasley???! 

Harry: A WIZARD?! I'm just Harry!

Cerise: HARRY YOU'RE (apparently) A WIZARD JUST ACCEPT IT SO WE CAN GO BACK TO BED!!! 

Raven: ^^^

Hagrid: Nooo, "Just Harry"! You're a wizard.

Cedar: How much longer is this going to go on for? 

Harry: I'm not a wizard, Hagrid, I'm just Harry.

Dexter: What happened and who is Harry? 

Darling: Maddie and Faybelle are on drugs I guess. 

Dexter: ...I'm so confused... 

Raven: Me too. 

Hagrid: Noooooo. Just Harry. You are a wizard.

-Humphrey has left the chat- 

Justine: Wow, I forgot that fucker was even here

Holly: This is your 800th reminder to watch your language 

Harry: I'm not a wizard, Hagrid!

Justine: YoU'rE nOt My DaD!!1!!

Poppy: YASSS VINES

Hagrid: HARRY, you are a wizard!

Apple: Please, whatever higher power may be out there, end my suffering now

Darling: Are you good? 

Harry: Listen here Hagrid you FAT OAF! I'm not a FUCKING WIZARD!

Apple: No. 

Holly: Can we seriously watch the language? 

Hagrid: For god's sake Harry, what is with this language?! You're a FUCKING WIZARD.

Poppy: fuck shit bitch damn cocksucker pussy asshole cunt motherfucking dirty whore shat onto my lunch puss cunt damn bitch suck my dick Jesus Harold Christ shit bitch cocksucker goddamn motherfucker pussy asshole cunt 

Harry: I don't give a FUCK you FAT HAIRY BASTARD! I'm not a FUCKING WIZARD!

Cupid: Stole that one from Faybelle, huh? 

Poppy: shut the fuck up you little stupid bitch 

Hagrid: Listen Harry, you're going to go to Hogwarts and do SPELLS and SHIT. And you're going to be FUCKING pleased about it!

Raven: Magic isn't all it's cracked up to be 

Harry: I don't WANT to do your FUCKING spells you BASKET CASE! Stick it up your fucking DICK-HOLE!

Briar: sTiCk iT uP yOuR DiCk HoLe I'm dead- 

Blondie: ☠️

Hagrid: My fucking WHAT?!?!

Hunter: Dick hole. It's not that hard to understand 

Dexter: I'm seriously confused...

Harry: HAGRID, y'er pushing me over the FUCKING line!

Ginger: What's happening here...?

Hopper: read up 

Ginger: That still doesn't explain anything

Hagrid: No I'm not. You are a wizard! You're going to go to Hogwarts, you're going to do spells, you'll get a wand, you'll get a fucking owl, it'll deliver your mail - DEAL WITH IT. YA TWAT.

Rosabella: Maddie and Faybelle did all of the LSD 

Ginger: what's lsd? 

Harry: ... I'M GOING TO FUCKING PUT MY DICK IN THE OWL

Apple: beastiality- 

Lizzie: Maddie you don't have a dick to put in an owl

Rosabella: Ginger it's acid 

Hagrid: I did that when I was younger, and that was a bad move. You, are a wizard.

Briar: what

Ginger: What's acid? 

Justine: You sweet, innocent child 

Harry: I'm a WHAT?!

Rosabella: a hallucinogenic drug

Briar: So we're not going talk about how Faybelle fucked an owl? 

Duchess: Maybe you're not

Hagrid: ... YOU'RE A WIZARD HARRY, FOR FUCK SAKE, LISTEN TO MEH!

Ginger: Oh. So... why would they take it? 

Melody: it's a JOKE for FUCK'S SAKE

Harry: Hagrid I've been through this I don't give a BLOODY FUCK WHAT YOU THINK.

Ginger: Drugs are NOT jokes. 

Hopper: I'm with Ginger on this one

Briar: Yeah. Sure. Defend your little girlfriend. 

Hagrid: This is NOT negotiable! You come with me you SPECCY BOWL-HAIRED CUT FUCK SMALL DICK SKINNY CUNT EAT MORE WANKER

Holly: I didn't understand a word of that 

Daring: Me either 

Cerise: That makes three of us

Harry: I'LL FUCKING SET YER BEARD ON FIRE!

Hopper: Ginger isn't my girlfriend! But if you wanna go out sometime Briar... 

Briar: Hard pass. 

Ginger: I mean... I would go out with you... 

Hagrid: 'MON THEN YA LITTLE SPECCY CUNT, SQUARE-GO LIKE

Raven: What. Is. Happening. 

Duchess: OoOoOoOoOoOoOoH, GiNgEr'S gOt A cRuSh!!! 

Poppy: Duchess that's childish 

Harry: I'LL FUCKING BURST YE'

Duchess: fite me bitch 

Poppy: square up hoe

Dexter: I have no idea either, Rae

Apple: Like Rosabella said earlier, they took all the LSD. 

Raven: That still doesn't help at all...

Hagrid: Right you, you little wank stain. If you don't get your act together, I'm gonna drag you to hogwarts. You'll get a wand, you'll get an owl that'll deliver your SHITEY meal and that'll be that and you'll enjoy it ya' shhh-shitty... 

Ashlynn: pfffffft- you little wank stain- lmfao

Apple: I found my new favorite insult! 

Daring: Apple White? Insulting people? Calling them that? 

Harry: I'll fucking GNAW yer ARM off, Hagrid!

Raven: Who are you and what have you done with my roommate? 

Duchess: ...AnD tHeY wErE rOoMmAtEs!!

Hagrid: Listen you, get near my arm and I'll slap you across the face like a little BITCH

Apple: For FUCK'S SAKE you stupid little bitchtit, I've told you 666 times They Were NOT Roommates! 

Raven: But... aren't we roommates...? 

Harry: I'll PUMP ye' SILLY.

Lizzie: Maddie you will not fuck Faybelle 

Briar: MADDIE NO- 

Hagrid: C'MON THEN YA CUNT

Apple: Yes we're roommates but we're not Roommates! 

Raven: I don't know. I'm confused. 

Harry: SUCK MAH PIXIE DICK YA CHUBBY COON

Lizzie: Again, Maddie, you don't have a dick. 

Duchess: I aM cOnFuSiOn!! 

Poppy: aMeRiCa, ExPlAiN!!

Hagrid: I'll RUPTURE YOUR FUCKING ANUS WITH MAH MASSIVE BEAR COCK

Briar: Which you don't have 

Holly: Poppy what are you doing? 

Raven: I'm still confused! 

Harry: I'll RIP YER GIANT DICK OFF AND BASH YE ACROSS THE JAW WITH IT

Justine: Ooh, graphic violence! 

Duchess: Why is this one Kansas 

Poppy: But this one is not Arkansas? 

Raven: What do you mean we're not roommates?

Hagrid: LET'S GO RIGHT NOW BRING IT ON YA LITTLE WANK

Duchess: America explain! Explain! 

Apple: No, we're roommates, but we're not Roommates. I can't explain it. 

Poppy: What do you mean it's ArkanSAW? 

McGonagall: Dumblecunt's gonna say a few words to you now so you all better pay some attention now yea?

Blondie: Who the fuck is Dumblecunt? 

Hopper: Ginger, I would love to go out with you, but not right now. I'm getting over someone and it wouldn't be fair to you to just be my rebound girl. After I'm over her, maybe we can grab some coffee or something? 

Dexter: Does roommates mean something different with a capital r? 

Darling: for fucks sake you heathens- She means that she and Raven aren't dating. They're roommates but they're not Roommates, as in they're not dating. 

Raven: Why would I ever date Apple...? 

Holly: Poppy, what was that thing you and Duchess just did? 

Dumblecunt: Good evening first years and welcome, to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry! 

Poppy: It's a vine 

Ginger: Sure Hopper, I'm willing to wait. 

Rosabella: LOVE DOESN'T DISCRIMINATE BETWEEN THE SINNERS AND THE SAINTS IT TAKES AND IT TAKES AND IT TAKES

Melody: AND WE KEEP LOVING ANYWAY AND WE LAUGH AND WE CRY AND WE BREAK AND. WE MAKE OUR MISTAKES 

Darling: AND IF THERE'S A REASON I'M BY HER SIDE WHEN SO MANY HAVE TRIED THEN I'M WILLING TO WAIT FOR IT 

Dumblecunt: Remember; the first floor is off-bounds to anyone who doesn't wish to die a most painful sexual death! Very evil demons are in the first floor. Very evil INDEED.

Briar: Why sexual? 

Apple: It's Ramona, she and Faybelle are the queens of sex jokes 

Briar: True 

Cupid: I'M WILLING TO WAIT FOR IT 

Ginger: What happened? 

Dumblecunt: They have TWELVE PENISES. They will INSERT THEM into your ORIFICES! 

Sparrow: tWELVE?! 

Duchess: hentai porn be like- 

Apple: You know it's illegal for minors to view pornograpgic content, right? 

Duchess: you know it's illegal to be this much of a buzzkill, right? Learn to take a damn joke bitch

Hopper: I have no idea Ginger. 

Dumblecunt: VERY DEEP INSIDE and they will RUPTURE your INSIDES

Hunter: Graphic. 

Ashlynn: Yep. 

McGonagall: Dumblecunt, I think we've just, we've got a few other things to talk about first.

Briar: Please. 

Dumblecunt: SHUT IT YOU STUPID WOMAN!

Lizzie: don't call Kitty stupid. Bitch. 

McGonagall: No. You do not talk to me like that these days

Poppy: YASS STAND UP FOR YOURSELF QUEEN

Rosabella: You know it's just Ramona, right? 

Poppy: So? She's a bitch. 

Dumblecunt: THEY NEED TO BE AWARE OF THE PENISES INSIDE OF THE VAGINA!

Cedar: Why though? 

Raven: I'm still confused as to why I would date Apple? 

Holly: What's a vine? 

Justine: School sex ed be like- 

McGonagall: No, they don't. You little sick man.

Justine: What did I just say? 

Dumblecunt: It's VERY IMPORTANT it's VERY DANGEROUS!

Daring: What is happening right now? 

Cerise: At leafs 8 people have asked that in the last 20 minutes. 

Rosabella: They all snorked crack 

McGonagall: You're such a SICK BASTARD you. Look at, look, FUCK OFF Just, shut up!

Melody: Penis demons. Wow. Not what I thought I'd be doing at 4:30 on a Monday morning 

Darling: Bitch you're friends with the crackheads you should have known better 

Dumblecunt: I AM DUMBLEDORE! 

Rosabella: No you're not. You're Ramona. 

Holly: Seriously, what's a vine

Dexter: Why would Raven date Apple? 

McGonagall: Shut up! I don't give a FUCK who you are. This is MY BLOODY school soon, shut up noooooow.

Hopper: Ginger, I forget, did you say yes or no to my offer of coffee sometime in the future? 

Ginger: I said yes. 

Duchess: GiNgEr'S gOt A bOyFriEnD!! 

Poppy: That's still immature!!! 

Sparrow: Shut up Poppy, Let her have her fun 

Poppy: No <3

Dumblecunt: Professor McGonagall ya' wrinkley bitch.

Briar: I called my mom that once. I got grounded for a month. 

Lizzie: pffff

Ashlynn: Why would you... 

McGonagall: Aw, why ya' calling me that ya BEARDED BASTARD

Apple: Just say okay boomer. It's easier. 

Dumblecunt: I'm TRYING TO EMPHASISE the DANGER of the SITUATION.

Raven: APPLE WHY WOULD I BE DATING YOU?!? 

Cerise: Raven you've asked that question 9 times. You're coming off as desperate. 

Apple: You wouldn't be, Duchess is just a little bitch baby who can't see how big of an asswipe she's being

McGonagall: There's no dangers.

Daring: I'm seriously concerned for Apple 

Darling: shut the fuck up, there's nothing wrong with Apple, she's perfect 

Dumblecunt: THE PENISES OF THESE MONSTERS

Poppy: drinking game: take a drink every time Ramona says penis. 

Holly: You mean hydration game, right? Drink water when she says it?

Poppy: sure...

McGonagall: Why you talkin' aboot their fooken penises all the time?

Lizzie: That is a very good question. 

Dexter: I'm vaguely uncomfortable

Dumblecunt: THEY'RE INSERTING THEIR PENISES INTO THE PUPILS OF OUR STUDENTS!

Apple: Pupils are in the eye. I hope they're not fucking students in the eyes with their 12 penises. 

McGonagall: I think you're a gay OLD BASTARD MAN'

Rosabella: eye- 

Apple: What did I just say? 

Rosabella: gay old bastard man-

Dumblecunt: VERY SEXUAL an'

Cerise: Ramona why do you keep talking about sex? 

Cedar: I would also like to know that

McGonagall: NO! No, why don't you just shut up?! You and you're fucking Viagra spells

Blondie: fucking viagra spell-

Cupid: Why- 

Dumblecunt: The first years are in danger of these PENIS DEMONS!

Duchess: I swear to fucking god if I hear one more word about penis demons I'm going to rampage. 

Justine: can I help you rampage through the rainbow school? 

Duchess: temporary truce? 

Justine: temporary truce

McGonagall: Look at that fucken Harry bastard, he's still at least six years from fucking puberty!

Darling: Harry was Maddie, right? 

Lizzie: Yes. And she is not 6 years from puberty. Because that would be a legitimate problem because she's like 17. 

Apple: Oof

Dumblecunt: HARRY POTTER!

Lizzie: Bitch. 

Ashlynn: lol 

Melody: We stan protective Lizzie 

Holly: None of you guys even make sense anymore

McGonagall: No! You leave his little bottom alone.

Raven: Wait, why would Duchess joke about me an Apple dating? 

Darling: You sounds like you actually want to date her or something >:/

Apple: Raven. I'm going to say this in the nicest way possible. We are distantly related. You need to stop obsessing over why Duchess made a joke about us being Roommates. Fucking. DROP. IT. 

Dumblecunt: HARRY, THEY'RE GONNA PENIS yer' BOTTOM

Rosabella: For some reason, this is the best line in the whole thing. 

Apple: Nah, that was "HAGRID, YER PUSHIN MEH OVER THE FOOKIN LINE!" 

Harry: O.o

Lizzie: Yeah... that's how I'd react too... 

McGonagall: Don't be scaring him like that.

Justine: So. Ramona mentioned the penis demons again. 

Duchess: Yep. 

Justine: We going to rampage? 

Duchess: Yep. 

Dumblecunt: HARRY

Melody: TAKE ME WITH YOU. 

Poppy: WAIT FOR ME 

Holly: pOPPY, NO- 

Holly: Great. Now I have to run after her, barefoot, in my nightgown, through the rainbow vandalized school, at quarter to 5 in the morning. 

McGonagall: The only thing that comes out your bottom is poo. You only want poo, coming out yer' bottom.

Darling: I mean... I'd like to shove my sword blade-first up there sometimes... 

Daring: I thought you wanted to be a "knight"? They don't kill people. 

Darling: I never meant to kill anyone. Just... maim or seriously injure... 

Dumblecunt: YOU BETTER BE CAREFUL FROM THE PENISES

Daring: You'll never be a knight then. Knights don't maim or seriously injure. 

Cerise: Daring, just leave her alone

Darling: Joke's on you bitch, I'm already going to be a knight for Apple. Suck it! 

McGonagall: First years, first years. Don't listen to the old fooker.

Daring: I'm supposed to be Apple's knight! 

Rosabella: You're supposed to be the beast. Not a knight. 

Daring: Then why won't you date me? 

Dumblecunt: BIG BULBOUS PENISES!

Apple: I take it back. This is the best line- 

Briar: PFFFFFFFFFFT 

Rosabella: Because I don't like you. 

Cerise: Daring, just leave her the hex alone. 

McGonagall: ...my god, what is wrong with you all?!

Holly: Me to everyone in this chat

Raven: Me to everyone in this chat

Daring: Me to everyone in this chat

Cedar: Me to everyone in this chat

Ginger: Me to everyone in this chat

Hopper: Me to everyone in this chat

Cerise: Me to everyone in this chat

Dexter: Me to everyone in this chat

Dumblecunt: They're going to RUPTURE yer' ANAL CAVITY!

Lizzie: Holy shit... y'all sent that at the same time... 

Justine: spooky 

Duchess: scary 

Briar: skeletons 

McGonagall: ...he's talking a load a' SHIT.

Poppy: Sent shivers down your spine 

Briar: When's Ramona NOT talking a load of shit? Her ass must be jealous of all the shit that comes out of her mouth

Dumblecunt: YA BETTER WATCH OUT!

Briar: ...I know that's the line... but I can't help but feel like that was directed at me... 

Rosabella: Knowing Ramona 

Rosabella: Probably. 

McGonagall: Look, I'm gonna fooken' resign, if ya' carry on with this shit!

Hopper: You know what? Ginger, why don't we go get that coffee now? Just as friends if you're want.

Ginger: It's not even 5 in the morning 

Hopper: I can't deal with these people anymore. 

Dumblecunt: LISTEN McGonagall ya' CHUBBY COON. The fuck is wrong wae yae ya' fucken PUSSY BITCH?!

Lizzie: BITCH. LEAVE KITTY ALONE. 

Darling: Damn, Lizzie's protective. 

Bunny: What's been happening in this chat? 

Alistair: I don't even want to read the 420 messages I got. 

Dexter: A lot of chaos is happening. 

Apple: Maddie Faybelle Ramona and Kitty took all the extacy. 

Ginger: what's extacy 

McGonagall: Aw, why ya' callin' me that is it 'cos I turn into a fookin' cat?

Lizzie: IT BETTER BE. 

Poppy: Chill, Princess Protective. 

Cupid: Extacy is another drug. 

Ginger: Why did they all take drugs? 

Dexter: I'm sure they're not on actual drugs 

Blondie: where Maddie is involved... you never know 

Dumblecunt: YER' A FUCKEN CAAGGHHHT

Raven: You're just noticing that? 

Cerise: Kitty's been a cat the entire time. 

McGonagall: Auch' aye yea, I know I'm a fookin' cat, ya' BASTARD!

Poppy: sassy queen 

Ginger: So... are they on drugs or not? I'm still confused. 

Dumblecunt: WHY Y'NOT IN A CAGE?! YA FUCKEN ANIMAL!

Lizzie: square the fuck up bitch 

McGonagall: em...? SHUT UP!

Hunter: *slow clap* perfect response. Golden. 

Sparrow: get rekd 

Duchess: no don't get rekd

Holly: You're not even making sense!!! 

Dumblecunt: WHY ARE YOU EVEN IN THIS FUCKEN HOGWARTS SCHOOL?

Darling: grammar 100

Rosabella: That is, I think, the worst I've ever heard Ramona swear. 

Daring: Didn't she type out like 800 swear words in the chat last month? 

Cedar: She did. 

Rosabella: Yeah but it makes grammatical sense, this didn't. 

Briar: ...motherfucking bullshiting jackassing cocksucking no sense or...? 

Rosabella: read the fucking text

McGonagall: Y'KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE NEVER GETTING A FUCKING BLOW JOB FAE ME AGAIN!

Lizzie: ...what 

Rosabella: ...I- 

Rosabella: Why am I gasping? I already knew that was coming! 

Apple: oof lmao 

Apple: UGH, I've been having out with you memelord bitchards too much. 

Dumblecunt: WHY DO I PAY YOU MONEY?

Justine: BITCHARD?! 

Apple: Shut the fuck up

McGonagall: Y'DON'T YA FUCKEN MOULDY BASTARD!

Dexter: How much longer is this going to go on for? 

Alistair: Make it stop. 

Dumblecunt: YER' FUCKEN SHIT!

Bunny: oof 

Cerise: I. Want. To. Die. 

Daring: Cerise... are you okay...? 

Cerise: I'm tired. 

Ashlynn: I wanna die too, and it's not because I'm tired or because of this! 

McGonagall: I do more in this school that anyone does!

Hunter: Ash you good? 

Ashlynn: no. Was I ever? 

Poppy: Mood. 

Darling: mood

Lizzie: MOOD

Dumblecunt: I DON'T GIVE A FUCK M8.

Briar: m8 

Briar: you couldn't even spell out "mate"? You had to say m8? 

Duchess: Bitch have you seen your texting? 

Briar: touché 

McGonagall: LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE NOW DUMBLECUNT! PO THE TELETUBBY AND SHREK ARE PENISING POTTER'S BOTTOM! 

Raven: ...what

Cerise: oh-

Cedar: I'm uncomfortable

Rosabella: we all are. 

Dumblecunt: THAT'S WHAT I WAS TRYIN TA WARN THE STUDENTS ABOUT YOUR WRINKLY OLD PUSSY TWAT 

Ginger: I think I'm just going to silence my phone... 

Sparrow: this is great lmao 

Dexter: Serously, how much longer is this going to go on for 

Raven: I don't know but I hope it stops soon 

Rosabella: They should be done, those last few lines weren't even in the video. 

Apple: It's like someone said "how many drugs do you want"... and the people in the videos answered with "yes". 

McGonagall: THIS IS ALL YER FAULT YA FOOKING CUNT ASS BASTARD

Holly: I need serious therapy.


	29. Halloween

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> evilfairy.io: You two are fucking ✨𝓒 𝓗 𝓔 𝓔 𝓢 𝓨✨
> 
> fairest: You can go✨𝓕 𝓤 𝓒 𝓚 𝓨 𝓞 𝓤 𝓡 𝓢 𝓔 𝓛 𝓕✨
> 
> —or—
> 
> Halloween costumes and random shit

No Hetero

mad.teapot: SPOOPY SPARY SPELETONS SPEND SPIVERS DOWN YOUR SPINE

dancing.queen: Pretty sure it's spooky scary skeletons send shivers down your spine

mad.teapot: no <3

xX_Just.right_Xx: What are y'all going to the halloween party as?

midnight_magic: I'm sitting at home making tik toks in my twilight sparkle cosplay ✌️

smilendwaveboys: She was bi as fuck and you cannot convince me otherwise

wolfchild: She legit had the bi flag IN HER FUCKING HAIR 

sleepy_gurl: Ashlynn told me she was going to the party dressed as Sunset Shimmer... 

animal.rights: Sunset and Twilight are obviously dating. 

smileandwaveboys: Anyway, I'm going as Glimmer. I'm going to teleport all over the place screaming in a perfect impression of her voice that I've been practicing for months and scaring the shit out of everyone 

dj_queen: YASSS 

sword.lady: OMFG SHE-RA! 

fairest: I'm going as Sapphire from Steven Universe

sword.lady: I'm going as Ruby 

evilfairy.io: You two are fucking ✨𝓒 𝓗 𝓔 𝓔 𝓢 𝓨✨

fairest: You can go ✨𝓕 𝓤 𝓒 𝓚 𝓨 𝓞 𝓤 𝓡 𝓢 𝓔 𝓛 𝓕✨

haircutgurl: I'm going as Amity Blight. I'm dying my hair green and everything. 

dancing.swan: But can I be your enchanted dance partner? 

haircutgurl: Yeah, obvs. 

evilfairy.io: EVERYONE IS BEING CHEESY AS FUCK 

sleepy_gurl: What are you going as? 

evilfairy.io: Asami from Legend of Korra

sleepy_gurl: And what am I going as? 

evilfriay.io: ...Korra

sleepy_gurl: And which of us picked out costume based on what the other was doing? 

evilfairy.io: ...me

sleepy_gurl: And there you have it girls and gays, Faybelle is a cheesy motherfucker

dancing.swan: Gaybelle the hypocrate

evilfairy.io: FUCK OFF. 

dj_queen: I'm being Marceline the Vampire Queen

mad.teapot: I love how none of us are going as straight people

wolfchild: So what are you going as? 

mad.teapot: Star Butterfly

midnight_magic: Didn't she, like, canonically get witth Marco? 

mad.teapot: She is pan and there was a time when she would have gladly dated both Janna and Jackie and you can't convince me otherwise 

animal.rights: So basically you're projecting onto another cartoon character that you find to be relatable? 

mad.teapot: YUP! ႧX|]

fairest: How did you get your d backwards...?

evilfairy.io: That's what she said 

evilfairy.io: I'm sorry I had to. 

fairest: ANYWAY, seriously, how? 

dancing.swan: It's Maddie, don't question it. 

animal.rights: Anyway, I'm going as Velma from Scooby Doo because that girl was played be Lesbian Jesus herself and you cannot tell me she was straight. 

dancing.queen: She wasn't, it's canon

animal.rights: FUCK YEAH 

danging.swan: I'm going as Jade West because that bitch practically DRIPPED bi energy

evilfairy.io: If Nickelodeon weren't homophobic at the time, Jade would have kissed Tori at least once and she and Cat would have been exes that were still friends. 

dancing.swan: EXACTLY. Plus, she would have ended up with either Cat or Tori instead of BECK because they were both super toxic to each other 

sword.lady: YES. 

wolfchild: I'm going as Captain Marvel 

haircutgurl: Why 

wolfchild: Because Carol and Maria had a thing going on change my mind 

animal.rights: I mean... you're not wrong... 

dancing.queen: I'm going as Pearl.

sword.lady: STEVEN UNIVERSE BUDDIES! 

dancing.queen: AYYYYYY *finger guns* 

sword.lady: AYYYYYYYYYY 

headswillroll: I'm being Harley Quinn. 

xX_Just.right_Xx: Holy fuck why are the Wonderlandians going as such perfect people for them??? 

xX_Just.right_Xx: I'm going to be Perfuma btw

smileandwaveboys: FELLOW SHE RA CHARACTER 

smileandwaveboys: FUCK YEAH 

animal.rights: Cupid, what about you? 

fairest: Yeah, you've been oddly silent this whole time. 

love(goddess): I just really miss my old school is all. All this Halloween talk reminds me of my old friends. 

love(goddess): I guess you could say they were the epitome of Halloween. 

love(goddess): Two years ago, we had a party with the kids from a neighboring high school. Well, we had to trick them into coming because they were terrified of us. 

love(goddess): One of them wanted us dead. But when they all did agree to come to the party, it was great.

haircutgurl: Well... it's also sweater weather? 

midnight_magic: YASSS 

Class Chat 

Faybelle: Anal buttsex

Cerise: I'm concerned... 

Dexter: Why does this chat exist again? 

Faybelle: Wait. FUCK. WRONG CHAT. IGNORE THAT. ABORT FUCKING MISSION BITCHES. 

Apple: I hate to be THAT PERSON... 

Apple: Wait, no I don't! 

Apple: Saying "anal buttsex" is redundant.

Poppy: How did we go from talking about Halloween and sweater weather to this? 

Briar: That was meant for me, wasn't it? 

Ramona: OH? 

Faybelle: Yep. 

Faybelle: But I somehow mixed up chats because THE OTHER GROUP CHAT IS BLOWING UP

Raven: What's happening right now? 

Daring: I have no idea... 

Duchess: Aren't you two in the same room right now...? 

Briar: Yeah but it's not our dorm. We're in detention. 

Holly: You guys shouldn't be texting in detention! 

Faybelle: I don't care! 

Briar: BY THE WAY, because most of you are dirty minded HOES, we're just texting each other random shit to try make each other laugh and get in trouble. 

Faybelle: You almost laughed at anal buttsex, admit it 

Faybelle: She just flipped me off when Grimm wasn't looking. 

Justine: Why are you guys in detention? 

Briar: Because Grimm did room searches to find out who painted the school last week and my spherical dumbass roommate had buckets of paint under her bed in all the colors of the rainbow. 

Raven: Wait... YOUR'E the one who painted the whole school?!?! 

Faybelle: Yep. 

Faybelle: Well, not the whole school, but I'm not telling you who else was involved. I'M NO SNITCH! 

Faybelle: OH COME ON! THAT'S WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?! 

Briar: You are THE BIGGEST snitch- 

Faybelle: GO FUCK YOURSELF 

Cupid: Can I NOT have to witness your chaos? For ONCE in my fucking LIFE?! 

Faybelle: You didn't... 

Briar: YOU CAN'T PROVE THAT I SAID ANYTHING! 

Faybelle: SO YOU ADMIT YOU MUTTERED SOMETHING?!?! 

Briar: I JUST SAID YOU CAN'T PROVE THAT I SAID ANYTHING! 

Faybelle: THAT'S BASICALLY AN ADMISSION OF GUILT! 

Cedar: What's happening here...? 

Briar: FINE. I SAID "WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, COWARD?" 

Faybelle: NONONTHAT IT NO WAT I HEAR

Rosabella: Hey, if you guys are going to be in the good gay, at least make it so we can read what you're saying! 

Blondie: good gay? 

Rosabella: GROUP CHAT. Fuck you! You know what I mean! 

Blondie: How tf does group chat autocorrect to good gay? 

Rosabella: SHUT UP YOU DUMBASS. 

Ramona: I thought I was dumbass 

Rosabella: No everyone else is dumbass you're dipshit. 

Cedar: Can someone remove me from the chat? 

Raven: Nevermind that, can a meteor just hit the earth and end it already?


	30. TIME WARP TIME

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> fairest: So if nobody's going to ask... 
> 
> fairest: WHO THE ABSOLUTE FUCKITY FUCK OF ALL SHITS IN A FUCKING CAN OF DICKS ARE YOU HOE BAGS?????!!!!!!

no hetero 

moon, dec(hat)(paw)tation, beatz, narcolepticpyromaniac, hairyswan, balletbitch, thatsamoré, littlemissperfect, and swords<3 have been added to the chat 

sleepy_gurl: Uh whom the fuck-

headswillroll: where did these people come from? 

haircutgurl: Never mind that, who the fuck are they?

sword.lady: ...we're all about to get expelled, aren't we? 

dancing.swan: The plot thickens like a bowl of oatmeal-

love(goddess): Who the fuck says "the plot thickens like a bowl of oatmeal"??? 

dancing.swan: Me, bitch. 

animal.rights: Girl, you're thicker than a bowl of oatmeal 

sleepy_gurl: really? 

animal.rights: I'm sorry, I had to-

mad.teapot: I wish I could ask the narrators what's happening but there aren't any! 

midnight_magic: Add me back after shit goes down, I wanna see this but I don't want to be incriminated when this inevitably goes to hell like everything around here does

midnight_magic has left the chat

narcolepticpyromaniac: holy shit you guys...

balletbitch: IS THIS???????

dj_queen: What's happening? 

evilfairy.io: Do you ever actually have your phone on?? Because you never have a fucking clue what's happening. 

dj_queen: suck my dick 

dancing.queen: Babe you don't have one of those. 

smileandwaveboys: Unoriginal response, -10/10 

dancing.queen: Go fuck yourself. Or better yet, go fuck Lizzie and Maddie 

dec(hat)(paw)tation: ew... 

moon: what's the matter Tabby, having PTSD flashbacks? 

dec(hat)(paw)tation: go fuck a cactus Luna, that was traumatic and you know it 

fairest: So if nobody's going to ask... 

fairest: WHO THE ABSOLUTE FUCKITY FUCK OF ALL SHITS IN A FUCKING CAN OF DICKS ARE YOU HOE BAGS?????!!!!!!

sword.lady: Who are you and what did you do with my girlfriend???? 

littlemissperfect: You're not going to believe this... 

littlemissperfect: ...but we're your children from the future 

smileandwaveboys: I'm spying on her from a tree and all the blood just drained from her fucking face-

fairest: ..........ohmygodimsosorryineverwouldhavecussedyouguysoutlikethatifiknew-

xX_Just.right_Xx: Alright, just for the record, name/age/pronouns so we know who the fuck you are (no offense), go 

thatsamoré: hi I'm Amoré Lockes, she/her, 16 

dec(hat)(paw)tation: Tabby Hatter-Hearts, 16, she/her

beatz: Hamlin Dancer, 16, he/him 

swords<3: Lovely Charming, 16, she/her 

balletbitch: Pirrouette Piper, 15, she/her

moon: Luna Beauty, 16, she/her 

littlemissperfect: Ebony White, 15, she/her

hairyswan: Tundra O'Hair, 16, she/her 

narcolepticpyromaniac: Aurora Thorn, 16, she/her

sword.lady: Question because I'm concerned... are any of you siblings??? 

dancing.swan: Worried you and your prissy little girlfriend won't make it? 

sword.lady: Go fuck yourself

sword.lady: So???

littlemissperfect: I'm Lovely's little sister!

beatz: I'm Pirouette's older brother

dj_queen: Any explanation as to why you have different last names from each other then? 

beatz: To quote my mother (you) when I was 5 and asked why: life's a bitch, no need to make it harder. 

dancing.swan: My turn to ask a question, HOW ARE YOU HERE??? 

narcolepticpyromaniac: lmao, 'twas moi 

thatsamoré: She was messing with magic she had no business messing with and we accidentally time traveled 23 years. 

evilfairy.io: Wait a minute... Aurora... do you have pyromaniac in your username? 

narcolepticpyromaniac: yeah... why? 

evilfairy.io: ...wanna go blow some shit up??? 

narcolepticpyromaniac: FUCK YEAH! 

fairest: oh god, there's two of them-

littlemissperfect: oh god there's two of them-

sword.lady: lmao, you guys sent that at the same time 

swords<3: lmao, you guys sent that at the same time

fairest: WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?????

swords<3: WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?????

littlemissperfect: WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?????

sword.lady: WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?????

littlemissperfect: STOP THAT 

swords<3: STOP THAT 

sword.lady: STOP THAT 

fairest: STOP THAT 

swords<3: ASDFJKLXCDSDADF

fairest: SDFKALXFDSDAXZ 

littlemissperfect: FFSKLKDCFDAFDAF

sword.lady: DSJKJFXCDAFFSDA

swords<3: Finally 

sword.lady: Finally 

littlemissperfect: Finally 

fairest: Finally 

littlemissperfect: FUCK 

sword.lady: FUCK 

fairest: FUCK 

swords<3: FUCK 

hairyswan: WOW you can really see the family resemblance between them- 

dancing.swan: Hey, Tundra I see you're dressed for ballet? Dance off. Just to see what you know at the lake. 

hairyswan: THERE'S A LAKE BY THE SCHOOL??? 

dancing.swan: Oh you poor child how did you get this far in life? 

hairyswan: CAN I SEE THE LAKE??????

dancing.swan: YES, OBVIOUSLY!!!! NOW I'M PISSED THAT I CAN'T BRING YOU TO THE LAKE EARLIER WITHOUT FUCKING UP THE ENTIRE TIMELINE

haircutgurl: Can I come? 

hairyswan: YES, MAMA, COME WITH ME AND MOM TO THE LAKE THAT I DIDN'T KNOW EXISTED! 

haircutgurl: cool ✌️

dancing.swan: Please don't call me mom... 

hairyswan: 🥺

dancing.swan: It's really weird having someone my own age calling me mom... 

hairyswan: 🥺🥺

haircutgurl: let the child call you mom

hairyswan: 🥺🥺🥺

dancing.swan: ...fine

hairyswan: 😆😊

dec(hat)(paw)tation: A̼̱͍̫̿̇̔͝ ͈̩͕̌̂̃d̬͎̣͂̆͊̕͜uc̙̎k̗̥͑̈ ̛̯͙́̕͟w̹̟͓͌̌́͆̽͟͢ȧ̡̧̧̞̺̓͋͊͘l̮̦̜̞͋̿̎̽k̰͋ẽ̼̞̚d͈͐ ̫̲̲͑̈̃u͖͛p̻̥͔͛͝͠ ͉̭̒͞ṯ̄ǫ̲̓͡ ̲̌a̟̫͆̄̋͐̕͜͟͢ ̩̐l̟͙̖̈́̉̂̽ͅė͕͕͘m̖͕̼̎̋̎͟͠o͂͢n̛̖̫̯̭̙̉̕͡͡à͇̰̦̾̽͟͠d̢̦̅̚ê͈͕̂ ̨̼́͂s̡̧̰̭̥̉̾̄̽͞t̥͉̻̤̱̽́̄̋͒a̗̾ņ̢̃͊͜͞d͈͕̹̼̳̽̃̈̉͝

moon: Tabs, we've been here 5 minutes, how are you already on drugs? 

headswillroll: MADELINE XYLOPHONE HATTER 

smileandwaveboys: oh shit, Princess is busting out the full names- 

headswillroll: YOU GAVE OUR CHILD WEED??? 

mad.teapot: yesh 

smileandwaveboys: Liz, relax, if Tabby is anything like any of us, this is not her first time being on drugs

dec(hat)(paw)tation: M̢͔̆̒ơ̢̮͐thḙ͍͖̎͂̏r̟̱͎̆̌̈́͝ͅ,̻̆ Ỉ̡͍͚̱̉̌͐'̹͖̀̀m͎͝ ̦͕̹͋͌͝g̱̩̜̻͉͋̽̂̄͡o͓̫͖͎͇̽̿̽̒̀i̧̨͍̪̍̏̀̚n̛̘g̢͙̙̊̌̑̚͟ ̤̳̩̊̍̑t̠̟̄͑o̝̺̭̍̾̔ ̛̲t̡̥͈͍͛͠͝͝e̢̗͗̕ḷ̲̀͠ļ͚͚̅̐͞ ̢̛̛͖͖̮́͂ỳ͔̗̪̽̀̚͢ơ̖̮̙̥̍͛̕û̹,̋͟ ̺͉͋̓̀͢m̺̏o̬͚̗̟̒̈̀̿m̧̛̖̖̐̀'͓͚͉͗̊̐s̩͉͊͠ ̖͗ri̛̮͈̔g̺̓ẖ̡̢̂̕͠ẗ̳̖̼̣̰́͌͒͡͡.̱͙̩̬̋́̑̑ ͙̟̓̑M̜̓ą̳̔̚m̢̍a̱̝̣̎̽͑ ̥͙͛̓ne̖̚v̰̓ẽ̩͉̌ŗ̲̩̓̔͗ ̩̆l̢̩̘͎̓̾́̽ab̢̧̛̠̰̕͘͠ḙ̹̣͋̄̒lṣ̺̯͋͂͂ ͎͕͉̓́̈b͙͙͖̿̎̚r͉̙̙̘̪̈̈́̈́͌́o̤̜̒͛ẅ̢̗̕ṋ̢͐͊͜͠į̟̜͗̓͑e̝͌̒ͅs̛̹ ͎̘͂̓s̩̃h̖̔e͂ͅ ̥͎̯̺͆̊̊̀͢͡p̦̠͎̼̃̌͌́ut̤̟̳̞͌̐̈̑s͎̆ ̨̹̯̜̔̏̀͘we̝̳̬͈͛́̀͝ḙ̃ḑ͉̒̃͟͞ ̢̭̈́̀ị̢͔̉̔̕n̮͝.͔̪̩͖̽̽̎̃ Ì̪̕͜͢͠t̨̛͖͈͚͂͌͋'̺͋s̜̳͕͂̍̓ ̟̦̭̦͐̈́͐͘l͇̥̟̃̓̂ĩ̢̛̞͔̓k̡̪̗̜̃̀͆̓ȩ̤̤̹͗͛̓͠ ̟̍R̫͍̘̗͗̊̃̽ǔ̠̘̮̒͑s̫͗s̢̡̧͙̿̾͝͞i̞̜̺̅̾̽̕͟a̰̣̩͉͆͋͂́n̞̋ ro͍̼̲̎̒́ṷ̿ĺ͖͕̫̥͑͆̎e̡̡̩̹͐̍́͊́ͅt̺̑ṱ͝ȅ̥̰͡ ̪̜̔̃ţ̗́͘r̡͈̦̗͍̽́̾͡͝y̞̟̑͌ỉ̜̻͠n̹̈ḡ̺̩̍ ̘̹̺̌̋̓tṏ̧͚̹͓̤͆͡͠ ̢̨̺̮̀̆͘͘e̡̔a̜̋t̛͎ ͈̹̜̍̃̍ą̯͎͗̚͡n̪͙̙̯̼͋̽́̚͘y̜̩̿̽t͓͔͔̲̫͐̈̋̍͠hȉ̙͉̓̅͢ņ̖̜̬̜̅̎̉͌͡g̱͍̳̳͗͐̐͘ ͙̭͛̚t̝͞ḩ͕̻͊̈́̔a̩̙̬͊̓̉t ̟͈͐͒i̧̲̜̰̾̒̋̚s͇͇͇̉̔͊̀ͅn̘̳̂̄̇͢'̨̻̜̝̔̀͘͠t̮͝ ͖͉̯͛̽̆͘͜f͎̄r̘̝͇͗̇͘ō̙m ͖͚̦̮͂̎͌̚t̮̜̻̤͐̔̽̈̈́͢h͉͉͍̓̈̚e̻͇͕̻̓̄̆̾͊͢ ͎̼͛͡ṱ̅e̛̤̟̰̰͆̉̒͟͝á̪͎́ ͈̏sho̤͊p̼̱̆̑͋͟

headswillroll: ...pass the weed

beatz: Why did my mom just ask if I had a girlfriend, hear me say no, and immediately ask if I had a boyfriend...? 

balletbitch: I'm still laughing my ass off that she just heard you didn't have a girlfriend and was like "ah yes. Gay." 

dj_queen: Son, you're literally wearing skinny pants cuffed up over your ankles and checkered vans, plus you've flashed at least ten peace signs and done fifteen finger guns in the last five minutes. 

dj_queen: If you're straight, I will take you to a store, buy a hat, and eat it. 

beatz: First of all, CALL ME SON ONE MORE TIME- 

balletbitch: Go home, Alexander. That's an order from your commander. 

dancing.queen: Hamilton? Mel, future us did a good job with these kids 

dancing.queen: Also, you're not eating a hat. 

dj_queen: Justine, ILY, but you're not the boss of me

beatz: Second of all, put your hat money away, I'm about as straight as mama's hair 

dancing.queen: I'm assuming that's me... 

beatz: YEET 

dancing.queen: cool, yee haw, my beatz

balletbitch: While we're on the topic of eating hats tho... 

dj_queen: ...Let's go to the mall-

dancing.queen: WHY THE FUCK AM I THE ONE WITH THE BRAINCELL?? I JUST SAID "YEE HAW, MY BEATZ"!! 

balletbitch: Actually, it usually seems like you guys share the braincell in the future

dancing.queen: Glad to know I'm not the only responsible one

dj_queen: NOOOOOO I HAVE TO ACTUALLY BE RESPONSIBLEEEEE

beatz: mood

sleepy_gurl: AURORA NO THAT IS A GIANT BUNDLE OF GIANT FIREWORKS WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE GOING TO GET YOURSELF KILLED AND FUTURE ME IS GOING TO HAVE PTSD FROM SEEING IT AND DO EVERYTHING POSSIBLE TO PREVENT IT AND THIS WHOLE TIMELINE IS GOING TO BE FUCKED UP I JUST KNOW IT

narcolepticpyromaniac: Bitch please, when I was little, shit was blowing up every day

evilfairy.io: lmaoo probably my fault 

narcolepticpyromaniac: When I was 9... you and I put electric eels in the bathtub... and couldn't get rid of them... so you flushed a hand grenade down the toilet 

evilfairy.io: OOH, THAT'LL BE FUN!!! 

narcoleptucpyromaniac: I got to pull the pin!!! 

sleepy_gurl: Where was I during all this...? 

narcolepticpyromaniac: watching from the hallway and then grabbing me and yeeting us both out the door after the grenade was in the toilet

sleepy_gurl: Ah. 

love(goddess): Hey, quick question, why the fuck did I just find Amoré in the kitchen shoving garlic up her skirt? 

thatsamoré: So Dracula won't try to eat my ass

love(goddess): Why would Dracula eat your ass? That's a terrifying thought- 

thatsamoré: He won't try to eat my ass... the garlic-are you even paying attention? 

xX_Just.right_Xx: I don't think she is. I mean, I would have thought it was obvious 

love(goddess): Okay, wow, if you seriously think Dracula will eat your ass unless you stick garlic up your skirt, either something terrifying is going on that I had no idea of 

love(goddess): you don't actually know Dracula's daughter meaning future me has failed to bring you anywhere

thatsamoré: Oh, no, I know Draculaura, her kids are just tiny nightmares that have me paranoid as hell because whoever the fuck designed nature and allowed vampires and werewolves to breed has it out for me

xX_Just.right_Xx: YOU KNOW DRACULA???? 

love(goddess): Well, kind of. I know his daughter. We went to school together for, like, ever. 

thatsamoré: Future you and future her are friends(ish) 

xX_Just.right_Xx: Me or her? 

thatsamoré: You. 

love(goddess): Why are you putting garlic in your skirt now tho and not in your own timeline? 

thatsamoré: Because you're the guidance counselor at school every other day and you always manage to beat me to the kitchen even if you're not supposed to be there that day

love(goddess): I have to work in this shitty school my whole life???? 

thatsamoré: Half of the time. The other half of the time you're at MH. 

moon: Wow, my mother used to be fun????

wolfchild: Which one? 

moon: Not you, you dropped me off to my first day of elementary school on a fucking motorcycle 

wolfchild: Nice 

animal.rights: Figures that I grow up to be boring

moon: I mean... not boring, just... 

moon: "GET OFF THAT ROOF, YOU'RE GOING TO KILL YOURSELF!! YOU CAN'T JUMP FROM THE ROOF TO THAT SHITTY TRAMPOLINE INTO THAT SHITTIER POOL!" 

animal.right: What??? The fuck???? 

wolfchild: ... sounds fun 

moon: I did it successfully, you went right after me, broke through the trampoline, collapsed the pool, and had to go the the ER for a sprained ankle because she was right, they both really were shitty 

animal.rights: HA! 

wolfchild: You're supposed to love me, why are you laughing at my pain? 

animal.rights: Because your "pain" is like 23 years in the future 

wolfchild: Still tho...

moon: Don't worry, she drove to the ER screaming out the window like an ambulance siren 

wolfchild: HA! 

animal.rights: ...

moon: Also, it's 19 years in the future, not 12 

animal.rights: WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON?!?!

xX_Just.right_Xx: You know... I love how none of us are actually doing anything to get these guys back to their timeline 

dancing.queen: Yeah, we're all just like "cool, you're cool even if the chaos will probably come back to bite me in the ass when I'm legally responsible for you" 

dec(hat)(paw)tation: T̘̥̣̏̈́̽h̛̪̺̽̈́͟a͖̥̐̂t̹̠̮͆̏̎'͕̼͍̉̔͊͟͞ş̅ ͔̓b̨̻̰̄̆͝ḙ̺̟̿̑͡c̫̊ä͓ų̘̼͋͛̃s̨̯͈̈́͑̏͑ͅe̯̺͐͑ ̛̰̙̘̥̀̀́if͉̓ ̧̛͖̠̲̽́̀ṱ̳̯̗̣̉̌́̿͞h̭͕̀̅è̝̗̱́̐ ̞͐2̞̰͚͍̐̈̃͘4 ͎͎͓̭͂̍̿͞ô͈̦̣̌̕f̼̆ u̳̬͒͠s̜̯̐̐ ̻̝͔̘̌̓̎̐̑ͅį̖̞͚͑̽͐̎n̦͎̞̳̂̓͗̋ ̙̿t̘̫͔́̀͡h̛͇̲̺̒͌̈ͅį̧͈͚͗̈́̕͝ṣ̡̩͂̋̃ ̤̉c͕̹̬̩͐̀̇͊h̢̹̩̝̒̅̔̕͜͠a̭͉͙̙̓̂͊̀t͚̞͑͐͊͜ ̧̋p̛̙u̗͉̓͘ț̢̪̺͐̈́̕͠ ̞̥̞͍̏̆͌͒a̞̩͖͖͌̈̌̄l̖̪̔͘ĺ̡ ̫̂o̰̽ư̘̩͍͆̚r̦̳͉̈́͒̓ ̮̮̙̍̈́͑ḧ̺̙͚̥͒̔͑e̢̨̩͍̩̍͂̔́͊a̭͊d͕̤͖̤̓̏͋̓s̼̯͌͂ ̜̠͒̄ť̢͎͈̄͐ơ̭̗̜̪̜̐̋̄̀g̢̢̣͊̽̄͞ͅé̜͕͓̀͑t̠̥̙͓̄̌̅̓he͖͋ȓ͈͈̠͕͑̋̅,̳̒ ̖͇̆͠w̙͈͎̏͌͢͡͝e ̨̿ḿ̬̣̫̗̅̓͠i̯̔g̞̃h̭̿t͕͔̱̒̀͘͜͠ b̢̡͖͋̚͡e̹̯̦̻̋̋̓̈͌͢ ̡̡̠̪̩̍͑̀̾͋a͖̮̋͊b̭̦̠͈͒̅̔͗̚ͅľ̝̠̞̒̃ẽ̞ ̱̬̣͇̾̓͋͘t̩̝̘̆̋̒ǒ̞ ̲̲̑̅c͓̯̣̳̎͂̋̑omë̘̣́̈ ̰̎̾͜u̡͉̲͂̃̑p̓́͢ͅ ̨̠͚͚́̄̓͋w̢̹̣͔͎͊͒̽̽̚i̡̜̅͝t̝̦͛͝h̦͔̀̃ ̘͈̂̆m̠̏a̳̗̼͎̓͆̕̚ý̢̲̜̈͡b͇̳̲̰͌̑͊̈́̊͢e ̥̂a͕̘̟̔͛̀̋͟l͓̂m̛̗͎̱̾̇o͚̱̾̾s̞̿ẗ̜̬̾͊͢ ̼͓͐̄a̧̪͚͌̎͛ ͓͇̦̟͌̐͂̒̚͟w̢̅hö̩̳͌l̡̬͙̹̎͒̈́͡e̗͍̱͖̿̀̇́ b̟̟͔̰͒̇̊̂r̳̖͉͎͛̈̓̒͌ͅa͚͆i̧̙̫̎͘͡ņ̼̗̺͚̀͐̎͒̋ c͌͢e͎̬̾̇l̤̥̼̺͊̐̓̕l̻̘̙̿̋͛

moon: Rood 

smileandwaveboys: I mean... she's probably not wrong...

smileandwaveboys: I don't even know you people and I get that impression

fairest: I can go see if Raven can send them back???? 

fairest: I won't tell her who they are, obviously 

evilfairy.io: LET ME TRY TO FIX IT 

haircutgurl: No 

animal.rights: NO.

dj_queen: Not a chance in hell 

xX_Just.right_Xx: Not in this life 

narcolepticpyromaniac: *whistles and looks away*

evilfairy.io: E 2, Aurora? 

fairest: e 2? YOU MEAN ET TU????? 

evilfairy.io: YES. THAT. 

sleepy_gurl: Fay... ILY and everything... but your particular brand of magic tends to gravitate towards explosions and chaos... which is the opposite of what's going to get them back in their own time... 

mad.teapot: She means that you fuck up everything you touch because you're such a big fuck up yourself that it reflects in your magic, a blatantly obvious fact that she can't bring up because a) you have an ego bigger than Wonderland itself and b) she's your girlfriend

littlemissperfect: Ouch 

balletbitch: You want some ice for that burn? 

thatsamoré: maybe some aloe...? 

hairyswan: Okay but she didn't lie- 

evilfairy.io: what the fuck respect your elders 

beatz: okay zoomer 

evilfairy.io: You know what? Fine. Let Raven deal with you fuckers. Just be warned, she's a bitch

mad.teapot: I WILL DEFEND MY BEST FRIEND IN HER ABSENCE! RAVEN ISN'T A MIRROR, FAYBELLE YOU FUCKING ASS CLOWN BITCHY HOE FULL OF PUSSY SHIT IN THE DEPTHS OF GODDAMN HELL!! 

dec(hat)(paw)tation; Ey̟̼̹̤͐́͒͡e̟̚

swords<3: Tabby why the fuck do you always do that glitch text when you're high? 

moon: Why the fuck do you talk to your swords like they're babies and tuck them into bed every night? Leave her alone 

swords<3: Ooooooohhh, someone's getting defensiiiive

moon: I swear to Stan I will stab you-

hairyswan: Who the fuck is Stan? Your BoYfRiEnD??? 

narcolepticpyromaniac: Ew, heterosexuality

dec(hat)(paw)tation: H̡͇͖̘͂̀͆̾e̹͗́͜y,̥͉͍̋͌̅ ̳͐g̨̨̚͡õ̧̻̬̰̖͂͌͘͘ ̹̺͎̏̇́̕͟f̝̀ụ͉̦͈͊̅͞͡c̛̭̦͒̇͟k̛̖͖͖͛͡ ̡̺̤̲̍͆͒͆y͇̺̺͙̿̈̓̊o̠̱̙̿̉̈u̫̕r͈͇͌̐sẻ̪̤͙̬̻̐͑̊͘ļ͈̼̱̩̿̎͊̒͞f̛̫͓̘̌̆ ͈̜͍̈́̉̂wi͓͞ṫ͈͔͊h̙̘̤̖̍͐͗͝ ̙͡ǎ̬̙̳̩̉̓͗ ͇̘̜̗͋̃̽̊p͉̣̈́̽í̡̹̩̗̌͆͡n̢͙̘̘̫̉́̀̒̏ea̘͒p̡̜̖̙͌̿͛̉̊͜ṕ̳ļ̬͖͓͛̀͗̚ȩ͚̫̮̩̏̇͐̉̇

thatsamoré: Annnnnnnd there's defensive Tabby 

fairest: Alright you fucking little shitheads, let's go get Raven 

swords<3: YOU CAN'T CALL US THAT, I'M YOUR CHILD! 

fairest: You don't exist right now so I have minimal emotional attachment to you and Ebony. 

littlemissperfect: Okay, wow, rude

fairest: No offense, future me loves you and everything, BUT I'M IN FUCKING HIGH SCHOOL AND YOU'RE LIKE A YEAR YOUNGER THAN ME! 

swords<3: Fair. 

dj_queen: What was that sound? 

thatsamoré: Aurora blew Rumplestiltskin's desk up 

fairest: ALRIGHT, ANYONE WHO DOESN'T EXIST YET, GET IN THE HALL NOW! 

fairest: MARCH! N. O. W. 

balletbitch: BYE! 

hairyswan: SEE YOU GUYS IN 23 YEARS! 

littlemissperfect: Goodbye everyone! 

beatz: This was fun

thatsamoré: AU REVOIR HOES (my only chance to call my parents hoes without getting grounded, YASS!) 

moon: I'm going to miss the fun version of my mom 

swords<3: Same

narcolepticpyromaniac: MOM, BLOW SOMETHING UP FOR ME! MAMA, MAKE SURE SHE DOESN'T KILL ANYONE BLOWING SOMETHING UP FOR ME! 

dec(hat)(paw)tation: HASTA LA PASTA Y'ALL

moon, dec(hat)(paw)tation, beatz, narcolepticpyromaniac, hairyswan, balletbitch, thatsamoré, littlemissperfect, and swords<3 have been removed from the chat

haircutgurl: HEY, I ALMOST FORGOT ABOUT FARRAH! 

haircutgurl has added midnight_magic to the chat 

midnight_magic: Looks like you people had a fun day... 

evilfairy.io: I miss those chaotic little fuckers already


	31. Fight With A Freshmen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sword.lady: See, Lizzie... you had me at "liking sharp objects"... 
> 
> sword.lady: ...you lost me at your decapitation fetish... 
> 
> sword.lady: ...and you had me again at using a severed head as a bowling ball to get out of bowling
> 
> -or- 
> 
> Tea is spilled over a nice snork of crack

no hetero 

dancing.queen: OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK MELODY I SAW THAT FIGHT ARE YOU OKAY BABE??? 

dj_queen: That asshole freshmen fucking BIT MY EAR. 

midnight_magic: Why were you in a fight with a freshman? 

dj_queen: I had to get 3 stitches in my ear and now my ear is swollen like a balloon 

midnight_magic: Why were you in a fight with a freshmen??!! 

xX_Just.right_Xx: Not to be racist or anything, but if you didn't want your ear to swell up, you shouldn't have gotten stitches

midnight_magic: wHY WERE YOU IN A FIGHT WITH A FRESHMEN??!!??!!

sword.lady: how is that racist? 

midnight_magic: WHY WERE YOU IN A FIGHT WITH A FRESHMEN?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

evilfairy.io: she just said she wasnt trying to be racist are you even paying attwntion 

midnight_magic: WHY WERE YOU IN A FIGHT WITH A GODDAMN FRESHMEN??!?!?!!!??!?!??!

wolfchild: Not to be homophobic or anything, but I don't think cats should be allowed to compete in the Olympics

midnight_magic: WHY THE FUCK WERE YOU IN A FIGHT WITH A GODDAMN FRESHMEN??!!?!??!?!?!!?!!!?!??!?!?!?!

sleepy_gurl: youre gay you cant be homophobic 

midnight_magic: MELODY, HOLY SHIT, WHY THE FUCK WERE YOU IN A FIGHT WITH A GODDAMN FRESHMEN!?!??!??!?!?!??!?!??!!?!?!?!!

dancing.swan: huh, nice to see that you and Faybelle have finally merged your .000000000000000001 collective brain cell 

sleepy_gurl: fitemeh ho ho ho 

evilfairy.io: shutthefuckup burd botch wete sippose 2bfriemds

fairest: I can't even read what you're saying anymore 

midnight_magic: M E L O D Y H O L Y S H I T W H Y T H E F U C K W E R E Y O U I N A F I G H T W I T H A G O D D A M N F R E S H M E N ? ! ? ! ! ? ? ? ! ? ! ? ! ? ! ? ? ? ? ? ! ! ! ? ! ? ? ! ? ? ! ! ! ? 

smileandwaveboys: Excuse you I am a cat and I say that WAS homophobic- 

headswillroll: This conversation is why I stopped doing drugs- 

mad.teapot: LIZZIE BABE PRINCESS YOU NEED TO COME DO DRUGS WITH ME AGAIN 

headswillroll: YEAH, COME ON

midnight_magic: M E L O D Y H O L Y S H I T W H Y T H E F U C K W E R E Y O U I N A F U C K I N G F I G H T W I T H A G O D D A M N F R E S H M E N ? ! ? ! ! ? ? ? ! ? ! ? ! ? ! ? ? ? ? ? ! ! ! ? ! ? ? ! ? ? ! ! ?

headswillroll: ...I WILL NOT BE PEER PRESSURED INTO DRUGS BY THE MOST ADORABLE GIRLS EVER I WILL NOT BE PEER PRESSURED INTO DRUGS BY THE MOST ADORABLE GIRLS EVERI WILL NOT BE PEER PRESSURED INTO DRUGS BY THE MOST ADORABLE GIRLS EVER I- 

haircutgurl: BABE OH MY FUCKING GOD STOP- 

love(goddess): What's happening 

midnight_magic: M E L O D Y. H O L Y S H I T. W H Y THE FUCK. W E R E Y O U I N A F I G H T. W I T H A F U C K I N G. F R E S H M E N ? ! ! ? ? ? ? ? ! ? ! ! ? ! ? ! ? ! ! ?

dancing.swan: WHAT DID I DO WRONG

haircutgurl: STOP CALLING PEANUT BUTTER THAT 

dancing.swan: WHAT'S WRONG WITH STICKY NUT JUICE???? 

haircutgurl: EVERYTHING. EVERY. FUCKING. THING. 

midnight_magic: M E L O D Y P I P E R. ANSWER ME! WHY IN THE ABSOLUTE GODDAMN FUCKING HIPPITY HOPPITY HELLISH SHIT IN A FUCKING GARBAGE DISPOSAL WERE YOU IN A GODDAMN FUCKING FIGHT WITH A GODDAMN FUCKING FRESHMEN?!??!??!?!?!?!!?!??!?!?!?!??!!?

dj_queen: What? Oh. 

midnight_magic: ARE YOU FINALLY GOING TO FUCKING ANSWER ME YOU EGG SUCKING LILY-LIVERED JIVE TALKING WACKADOO FOUL VILLAIN UGLY MOTHERFUCKER?? CUR! I BITE MY THUMB AT THEE! HASTA LA BYE BYE DADDY-O

dj_queen: I- 

sleepy_gurl: r u ok faerah 

fairest: You can't even spell her name- 

dj_queen: Do you want to know what happened? 

midnight_magic: YES. WHY THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I'VE SPENT THE LAST 10 MINUTES CAPS ABUSING?!!???????????

dj_queen: The freshmen said I was stupid, I called him a little shithead, and he jumped at me

midnight_magic: ...That'S IT?!?!?

mad.teapot: Y'all are violent as fuck 

dancing.swan: Maddie your girlfriend just walked into class and gave your other girlfriend a fucking giant battle axe that has dirty ham on it you don't get to talk 

sleepy_gurl: wat te fuk

mad.teapot: I found it in the ally behind the tea shop

mad.teapot: It was sitting in a dumpster, can you believe it? 

animal.rights: ...why, exactly...?

smileandwaveboys: Princess likes sharp things 

headswillroll: I like to imagine I'm taking them slowly through the layers of muscle in someone's neck, hearing them scream and feeling them writhe beneath my knee, which would be pressed into their chest, until suddenly the life drains from them and their head is in my hands, ready for the next time someone forces me to go bowling. 

animal.rights: ...

headswillroll: uwu

sword.lady: See, Lizzie... you had me at "liking sharp objects"... 

sword.lady: ...you lost me at your decapitation fetish... 

sword.lady: ...and you had me again at using a severed head as a bowling ball to get out of bowling

sleepy_gurl: Speaking of death, why do people have quiet respectful funerals? If I die, I want my ashes mixed with glitter and packed tightly into a coffin and then they blow up the coffin with explosives so glitter rains down on the guests while blasting "Thnks fr th mmrs" by Fall Out Boy 

love(goddess): Jesus god almighty 

dancing.swan: I see you and Faybelle have unmerged your fraction of a fraction of a fraction of a brain cell again... 

sleepy_gurl: shit tje fuxk ip 

dancing.swan: annnnnnnd we're back

haircutgurl: Cupid aren't you a goddess? 

love(goddess): shhhhhhhh

dancing.queen: Sorry- If you die? IF?! 

wolfchild: I can make sure it happens... 

animal.rights: Babe, ily, but you are NOT killing my cousin

sleepy_gurl: No, no... let her finish... 

fairest: If y'all want to be emo as fuck... 

fairest: *g note* 

mad.teapot: WHEN I WAS 

dancing.swan: A YOUNG BOY

xX_Just.right_Xx: MY FATHER 

dj_queen: Ate an entire fucking lemon. He didn't squeeze it out into anything. He didn't cut it into pieces. He didn't even skin it. He just stuffed the entire lemon into his mouth and swallowed. I'm pretty sure he unhinged his jaw like a snake. I have never seen anything so horrible in my life before or after that incident. 

midnight_magic: ...to see a marching band

animal.rights: LISTEN PEOPLE. I HAS THE NAHLIDGJE

evilfairy.io: GIV TE NOLEJ 

fairest: I hope the nahlidgje/nolej is how to spell "knowledge"... 

headswillroll: That's what they're saying???? 

smileandwaveboys: Apple stop being a fucking buzzkill Princess never change

fairest: Fucking rude

animal.rights: Okay, so. The knoahliedgeje is that the pupil in your eye is a muscle and when your pupils dilate when you see someone you like it's you subconsciously flexing your muscles

dancing.swan: Oh, kind of like a butthole! 

sword.lady: Hey Siri how do I unread something 

haircutgurl: Isn't it weird that short pants are called shorts but long pants aren't called longs???? 

love(goddess): She wears short shorts I wear long longs

midnight_magic: She's cheer cheerer and I'm on the sit sits 

midnight_magic: Vdvabchaj)/)-$behkqpf¥~>].+]+.

dancing.swan: Farrah? 

fairest: Farrah. 

evilfairy.io. Farrah! 

sword.lady: FARRAH? 

xX_Just.right_Xx: FARRAH. 

sleepy_gurl: FARRAH! 

mad.teapot: FARRAH??

dancing.queen: fARRAH. 

smileandwaveboys: FARRAH. WHAT THE FUCK CHILD. 

headswillroll: F A R R A H G O O D F A I R Y 

love(goddess): LISTEN YOU FAIRY ASS BITCH WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED 

animal.rights: Farrah... you good...

wolfchild: YO, GOODFAIRY. WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU? 

dj_queen: FaRrAh WhAt ThE fUcK wAs ThAt??!??

haircutgurl: FARRAH. HOLY SHIT. IT'S BEEN LITERALLY TEN MINUTES. WHAT WAS THAT HORRIBLE ABOMINATION OF A KEYAMASH?? 

mad.teapot: Oh my fucking god she's fucking dead-

love(goddess): That's it. Drastic times call for drastic measures. 

love(goddess) has added shoes

shoes: I hate you guys and I hate this chat. 

fairest: Ashlynn, please, stay for a second

shoes: I'm surprised at you Apple, we're in Princessology right now! 

wolfchild: Listen, Ella, your girlfriend just fucking died

shoes: ...what 

mad.teapot: She said, and I quote

mad.teapot: Vdvabchaj)/)-$behkqpf¥~>].+]+.

evilfairy.io: I cud kare les but she me fary frend 

shoes: again, ...what

sleepy_gurl: ignoor fablle she dum as fukk 

shoes: I still can't understand you either Briar

dancing.swan: They're at the point in their relationship where they share their pathetic excuse for a fraction of a braincell 

evilfairy.io: I wil shuhv a kan iv harspraee up uer assss

shoes: *deadpan* kinky

sword.lady: Did you just... type out "*deadpan*"??

shoes: Bitch if something's wrong with Farrah I don't have time to deal some stupid "evil" fairy who's halfway to being a jellyfish talking about how she's going to shove hairspray up my ass

haircutgurl: But you had time to respond to her in the first place...? And it wasn't even about you???

smileandwaveboys: WHAT THE FFFFFFUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK

animal.rights: WHY IS THE WHOLE SCHOOL LISTENING TO STRIP THAT DOWN

xX_Just.right_Xx: NEVERMIND THAT, WHY IS FAYBELLE TWERKING ON THE CELING??? 

dj_queen: HER AND BRIAR HAVE A CHOREOGRAPHED ROUTINE- 

fairest: I CAN'T BREATHE- 

sword.lady: Do you need CPR again? ;)

fairest: ...maybe

dancing.swan: oh gag me with a spoon

smileandwaveboys: If you're going to go make out somewhere, stay away from the supply by the girls dorms, I've caught Ramona and Rosabella in there 3 times already this year

wolfchild: You fucking bitch ass hoe-

haircutgurl: Guys. You all have dorm room. USE THEM. 

sword.lady: No good. I've caught those two in a dorm room as well

dancing.queen: You too?? 

headswillroll: Okay so you two are no longer allowed to be in the same room together-

animal.rights: LISTEN, THE DORM ROOM INCIDENTS WERE LAST YEAR, LET'S NOT GO CRAZY HERE

xX_Just.right_Xx: Damn, do you guys know what door locks are?? 

wolfchild: Well, from the way I caught you and Cupid in the fucking CAFETERIA BATHROOM once, you don't either-

love(goddess): HOE YOU PROMISED YOU WOULDN'T TELL

wolfchild: YOU GUYS SHOULD BE GRATEFUL IT WAS ME AND NOT ONE OF THE HETEROS OR A TEACHER

wolfchild: GO IN THE FUCKING STALLS AT LEAST, GOD DAMN. ANYWHERE BUT THE SINKS

fairest: yOU GUYS FUCKED ON THE BATHROOM SINK???? ARE YOU INSANE???? 

wolfchild: AT LUNCH TIME, TOO. 

dj_queen: They were trying to get expelled at that point

evilfairy.io: CHILRIN KAHM UR HORMOENES JEEZISSS FUKKNG KRIST ALMTEE ME BITCHACHOS

dancing.swan: Faybelle you were just twerking on Briar while Talk Dirty blared in the background not even two minutes ago you don't get the right to talk

shoes: Damn, the tea getting spilled here-

midnight_magic: Uh, y'all... what the fuck happened here???

sleepy_gurl: FARRRRRRRA

shoes: Babe what happened

midnight_magic: Today was my first day at my new school and my teacher took my phone

midnight_magic: He read that whole conversation about y'all getting caught fucking 

midnight_magic: Out loud. 

sword.lady: ...shit now your whole class knows a LOT of tea about the students of EAH... 

midnight_magic: Don't worry, he made me stay after class to get my phone back and that's when he started reading

wolfchild: How is he allowed to do that??? 

midnight_magic: School policy. He was supposed to read it in front of the whole class but since it's my first day here he's letting me pretty much off the hook

shoes: babe your school actually suck

shoes: ...wanna come sneak into the school?

midnight_magic: Come in through your window like always?

shoes: Ye

wolfchild: And y'all say Rosabella and I are bad-

shoes: ϜὺͼϏ Ὗϴὗ

shoes has left the chat


	32. Spilled Tea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cerise: I WANT TO DIEEEEEEEEEEEE
> 
> Ramona: I'M WITH YOU, LET'S GO YEET OURSELVES OFF THE ROOF
> 
> Cerise: I'M RIGHT BEHIND YOU

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, guys, I just want to say: I HAVE A SEQUAL TO THIS (no, this story isn’t done yet)!!!!!

Class chat 

Raven: Guys what the hex is a "Rapple"??? 

Maddie: oh no 

Maddie: they day of reckoning is upon us 

Apple: I just looked it up and JESUS FUCKING CHRIST WHATEVER YOU DO DON'T GO TO THE IMAGES DO NOT GO TO THE IMAGES DON'T LOOK AT THE FUCKING IMAGES

Raven: EWWWWWWWWW WHY DID I GO TO THE IMAGES 

Apple: I JUST FUCKING TOLD YOU NOT TO! 

Darling: ... 

Dexter: What the hex?! 

Dexter has sent a photo

Apple: SERIOUSLY WHO THE FUCK IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS?! 

Dexter: That was by someone named... oh, there's a swear, I can't say it 

Cupid: I got you bro 

Cupid: It's by someone named VivTheBisexualBitch 

Poppy: Who is shipping real people tho?? 

Raven: More importantly, WHY ME AND APPLE?!? 

Apple: RAVEN AND I. ARE. RELATED!!! 

Faybelle: I think it's a villain x hero trope 

Briar: Oh, yeah, look at that. They did one of me and Faybelle. How fun. 

Briar has sent a photo

Blondie: Oh my god this fucking chat is killing me today- 

Lizzie: Those look to be some of the less inappropriate ones too 

Sparrow: ... WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK I WANT BLEACH 

Holly: PITIEOGOTOIFIROETIWPQOFUIEWPQKS

Poppy: ...leave the key smashes to the professional, thank you 

Maddie: Apple, when did you fuck Raven? 

Apple: I FUCKING DIDN'T 

Ramona: Okay guys, let's calm down now, it's just drawings. They don't mean anything 

Kitty: There's one of you and Cerise 

Ramona: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK NO GOD NOT PLEASE NO THAT IS SO WRONG ON SO MANY LEVELS WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK 

Cerise: I WANT TO DIEEEEEEEEEEEE

Ramona: I'M WITH YOU, LET'S GO YEET OURSELVES OFF THE ROOF

Cerise: I'M RIGHT BEHIND YOU 

Rosabella: NO. 

Daring: NO

Ramona: ...fuck you 

Cerise: Well I’m still going yeet because DARING isn’t in CHARGE OF ME 

Daring: Calm down, I didn’t say I was

Cerise: DO N O T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN

Ginger: CERISE NO- 

Ginger: Welp. She did it. 

Ginger: I was making gingerbread houses in the kitchen and she came in with a sledgehammer and smashed them all 

Daring: ...I will never tell you to calm down again 

Cerise: You better not

Duchess: Ugh I’m going to scream 

Holly: Good. Suffer. 

Sparrow: Pffffffffffffffffft- Get reckd Duchess

Duchess: Eat shit Sparrow

Poppy: Why are you going to scream? 

Duchess: My laptops fucked 

Maddie: Oop, I hope they used a condom

Justine: Okay but the real question is who was the laptop and who was the lapbottom? 

Melody: There are two types of people 

Hopper: Guys please stop saying “there are two types of people” and “that escalated quickly”. It’s annoying 

Bunny: There are two types of rapid escalation 

Courtly: Well that peopled twicely

Lizzie: WHO THE FUCK ADDED YOU, YOU CLOWN ASS BITCH?! 

Chase: I’m here too, though I don’t have any clue how

Darling: Sorry, who are you again? 

Chase: ...ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!

Darling: New phone who dis

Chase: DARLING. WE HAVE WEEKLY MEETINGS IN WONDERLAND TO PRACTICE SWORD FIGHTING. 

Chase: WE LITERALLY RUN A YOUTUBE CHANEL WHERE WE DO CHOREOGRAPHED DANCES IN FULL ARMOR.

Darling: I FUCKING KNEW ALL THAT YOU DUMB HOE! 

Chase: ...I feel very dumb right now 

Lizzie: HOW. DID. YOU. GET. ADDED. TO. THE. CHAT???? 

Daring: Hold on a second, back up to the “choreographed dances in full armor” thing

Darling: Oh, yeah, we do that! Chase can’t dance for shit so we do stuff like Cotton Eyed Joe. It’s a really good workout! 

Darling: You should try it maybe then you’d be half as strong as me 

Apple: Darling you fucking killed him 

Alistair: begone you foul demon cotton eyed joe

Alistair: thy grasp on this plane faded long ago

Alistair: from whence you came there you shall go

Alistair: i seal thee away cotton eyed joe

Faybelle: Anyway, fuck being the Dark Fairy, I wanna be a reverse tooth fairy where I rob people and leave teeth under their pillows 

Briar: That is a terrifying thought 

Raven: A dentist

Dexter: Raw I don’t know your dentist is doing to you but I think you need to call the police 

Sparrow: You just called her raw, my guy 

Ashlynn: Did you call her that because that’s how people taste best? 

Hunter: ...what the everloving fuck Ash

Holly: What’s happening right now? 

Rosabella: Hey has anyone seen Cupid or Blondie? They’ve been awful quiet

Ramona: So have you 

Rosabella: wILl You shut the fuck up?

Cedar: I saw them in the bathroom... 

Raven: what’s with the dot dot dot thingie

Apple: That’s called an ellipsis, Raven 

Cedar: There’s something else but I don’t want to say it

Sparrow: Cedar what is the thing you don’t want to say but you could say 

Cedar: Oh hex now I have to say it 

Cedar: Blondie and Cupid were in the bathroom making out on the sink

Cupid: Sparrow I am going to fucking kill you for asking. Get ready to receive an arrow up the ass at 60 mph

Daring: So we’re just going to gloss over the fact that they were making out on the bathroom sink?? 

Ramona: GUYS. We just had a conversation about this last fucking WEEK. LEARN TO GO IN A STALL OR LOCK THE GODDAMN DOOR 

Maddie: ...I CHIME IN WITH HAVEN’T YOU PEOPLE EVER HEARD OF CLOSING THE GODDAMN DOOR 

Justine: NO. 

Maddie: You think you’re getting me to stfu but you’re actually continuing the song 

Justine: No, I’m not. 

Maddie: Come on, admit it! You know... IT’S MICH BETTER TO FACE THESE KINDS OF THINGS WITH A SENSE OF POISE AND RATIONALITY 

Blondie: Listen, I have blackmail on all of you. If I wanted to, I could completely ruin your entire lives so fast your heads will spin. Not a WORD to ANYONE about me and Cupid, got it? 

Kitty: Cool. I just got bit by a radioactive cicada so I’m going to go sit in a tree and scream all day 

Maddie: CAN I JOIN YOU???? PLEASE??? 

Lizzie: WAIT FOR ME YOU GUYS!! 

Dexter: This whole group chat is a train wreck


	33. Dragons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> smileandwaveboys: DEPRICATE DEPRICATE DEPRICATE DEPRICATE DEPRICATE DEPRICATE GOOD DUCKING DANCE IS YOUR DUCKING AUTOMATICALLY CARROT 
> 
> smileandwaveboys: ...
> 
> smileandwaveboys: S E P I R I T I T I T I T E E 
> 
> -or-
> 
> The dragon games are back

no hetero 

fairest: So... it's dragon games season everyone! 

sword.lady: OMGGGG YASSSSSS 

midnight_magic: Aw fuck, I can't even watch this year! 

xX_Just.right_Xx: Don't worry, I'll video it and livestream all the games! 

midnight_magic: Blondie you are a LIFE SAVER

headswillroll: Are the teams going to be the same as last year? 

fairest: If the same people join yes 

sword.lady: OMFG YASSSSSSSS THE TEAM CAPTAINS ARE STAYING THE SAME 

sword.lady: BABE ILY BUT YOU ARE GOING DOWN 

fairest: You guys see what I have to put up with? 

evilfairy.io: Knock her off her dragon and break her leg again 

sword.lady: idk if she's crying or laughing rn should I be worried

sword.lady: it's both she's crying and laughing in my arms and I'm really worried 

haircutgurl: Well idk about any of the other fuckers who played last year but I'm joining again

haircutgurl: last season was fun 

fairest: The literal evil queen was in charge of a team the school got burned down and taken over and I got poisoned 

dj_queen: stfu the games themselves were fun

headswillroll: Well I for one am joining again

sword.lady: POPPY IS YOUR SISTER PLAYING THIS YEAR BC THEN THE TEAM WILL BE EXACTLY THE SAME AND WE WON ALMOST EVERYTHING LAST YEAR

haircutgurl: she refuses

sword.lady: FUCK

love(goddess): Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't Raven on your team? 

sword.lady: Was she?? 

fairest: She wasn't on my team 

sword.lady: I-

sword.lady: Wow-

dancing.swan: Lmao did you get dropped on your head as a child or something darling? She was like, the star player. Because of course she was 

sword.lady: Bold of you to assume I was held as a child 

fairest: Babe... 

fairest: Do you want a hug? 

sword.lady: ...that would be nice, yes 

smileandwaveboys: Fuck I just realized I can't even cheer on either team because my gfs r on deprecate teams 

smileandwaveboys: *depricate 

smileandwaveboy: **depricate 

smileandwaveboys: ***DEPRICATE GODDAMN IT 

smileandwaveboys: I AM GOING TO S C R E A M 

smileandwaveboys: DEPRICATE DEPRICATE DEPRICATE DEPRICATE DEPRICATE DEPRICATE GOOD DUCKING DANCE IS YOUR DUCKING AUTOMATICALLY CARROT 

smileandwaveboys: ...

smileandwaveboys: S E P I R I T I T I T I T E E 

smileandwaveboys: Wait, no, that's not right-

wolfchild: Damn your brain must be smoother than a blobfish 

smileandwaveboys: Okay, first of all, fuck you

dancing.swan: Okie but bow often do you type the word "depricate"??? 

smileandwaveboys: a fucking lot 

sleepy_gurl: kite di u ned halp 

smileandwaveboys: What the fuck are you SAYING :)

sleepy_gurl: FUK U :) 

dancing.queen: Jesus fucking Harold Christ god almighty you all put the disaster in disaster gays today huh 

wolfchild: I am going to punch the next person who says fuck. Come up with something original! 

animal.rights: fuck off 

wolfchild: ...square the hell up you beautiful bitch 

animal.rights: Come at me, hoe 

fairest: Poppy are you good with being on my team for dragon games? 

haircutgurl: Yeah why 

fairest: Maddie just got me and Darling kicked out of the library screaming about how she wants to be on the same team as Lizzie so you're being switched out for her 

haircutgurl: Cool Darling you're dead to me Apple just let me know what time we have the field for practice 

sword.lady: I'm sorry Poppy she had a knif 

sword.lady: There was blood caked on it

mad.teapot: Hahahahaha

mad.teapot has sent a picture 

haircutgurl: o fuk nevermind we good bro

headswillroll: She stole the knife out of my locker 

midnight_magic has added shoes 

midnight_magic: Babe are you doing dragon games again 

shoes: No. 

shoes: Also you could have just texted me privately instead of adding me to this godforsaken cult again 

shoes has left the chat 

midnight_magic: fucking rood 

fairest: the teams are uneven 

animal.rights: weren't they uneven last year? 

sword.lady: yeah but last year it was 5-4 so there was enough people to sub someone in if someone got hurt

sword.lady: like when Lizzie went in for me after Apple broke my fucking leg 

fairest: babe I am sorry how many times do I have to say it the evil queen was going to tell everyone I let her out I didn't mean for anyone to get hurt 

sword.lady: I was just giving an example 

sleepy_gurl: Is it too late for me to sign up? 

sleepy_gurl: I want to be on whichever team gives me the most chance of falling off that fucking dragon and dying a slow horribly painful death 

evilfairy.io: NO

xX_Just.right_Xx: Guys why the shit did Faybelle just scoop Briar up out of the hall and fly out the window with her? 

love(goddess): Read up

haircutgurl: Bro, some lady just came into the salon and asked for the Karen haircut, demanded a manager, and started throwing shampoo bottles

haircutgurl: She didn't even get the haircut. She just went all Karen and then left.

haircutgurl: omfg, the manager just banned her for life!

dancing.swan: we stan your manager 

midnight_magic: [freshman voice] MIDDLE SCHOOLERS 

dj_queen: *sophmore voice* FRESHMEN. 

headswillroll: the fuck is a sophomore? 

love(goddess): {Draco Malfoy voice} POTTAH

mad.teapot: [|Timmy's Dad voice|] DINKLEBURG

wolfchild: MIDDLE FINGERS UP IF YOU DON'T GIVE A *whispers so my parents can't hear me*   
f r i c k

sword.lady: *POLICE SIRENS*

haircutgurl: *helicopter blades whirring* 

evilfairy.io: {Riven screaming}

dancing.queen: Who the fuck is Riven? 

xX_Just.right_Xx: And now over to the live traffic cams

fairest: you guys change subjects so fast it gives me whiplash


	34. Gay Drama

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Briar: I hope you step on a lego in the middle of the night while you're holding a pizza/ice cream taco in a glass vase that you can't drop without shattering and your parents are sleeping in the next room
> 
> Ashlynn: That was oddly specific... 
> 
> -or-
> 
> More gay drama goes down in the class chat and also Hamilton and daddy issues

Class chat 

Dexter: Hey, why did Lizzie just punch Courtly in the face? 

Courtly: SHE BROKE MY FUCKING NOSE 

Lizzie: I'VE TOLD YOU TO STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME 

Courtly: I WASN'T EVEN DOING ANYTHING 

Apple: good morning everyone 

Kitty: She's over you you clown ass bitch 

Maddie: YEAH! Move the fuck on already! 

Bunny: Are you seriously still not over it?? 

Alistair: How many times do we all have to threaten you before you leave her alone 

Courtly: I WAS LITERALLY TRYING TO GET TO MY GODDAMN LOCKER I HATE THIS FUCKING SCHOOL 

Chase: I feel like there's some stuff I'm missing here... 

Courtly: oh right, you wouldn't know

Lizzie: She's my ex and she keeps trying to get back together 

Courtly: I LITERALLY DON'T THOUGH well not anymore I JUST WANTED TO GET MY SHIT FOR CLASS 

Briar: I keep forgetting she even goes to school here now 

Courtly: hey lets play this little game i like to call fuck off you go first 

Briar: I hope you step on a lego in the middle of the night while you're holding a pizza/ice cream taco in a glass vase that you can't drop without shattering and your parents are sleeping in the next room

Ashlynn: That was oddly specific... 

Ashlynn: You good, or...?

Briar: It's called depression 

Raven: So... are we just going to ignore the fact that everything that happens in this group chat lately is gay drama? 

Poppy: Nobody is ignoring the gay drama 

Darling: yeah we're all just too busy laughing at it

Maddie: Courtly's middle name is basically gay drama

Courtly: bitch your middle name is literally xylophone shut the hippity hoppity hell up 

Cerise: I'm still wondering how Courtly and Chase even got in the group chat in the first place 

Courtly: YOU BITCH 

Cedar: What happened?

Courtly: SHE DUMPED AN ENTIRE BUCKET OF WATER ON ME 

Daring: It splashed me! 

Courtly: BOO FUCKING HOO, GO CRY ME A TABLE YOU NARCISSISTIC ASSHOLE 

Chase: The expression is cry me a river, Courtly

Courtly: the next time you correct me you're going to lose your balls

Alistair: That sounds painful my guy

Cupid: Oop, looks like shit's going down, what'd I miss? 

Ramona: ...sEVENTEEN 

Duchess: Please no

Justine: SE-SE-SEVENTEEN 

Ramona: SE-SE-SEVENTEEN 

Justine: SEVENTEEN EIGHTY NINE

Ramona: ...hOW DOES THE BASTARD ORPHAN IMMIGRANT DECORATED WAR VET 

Justine: UNITE THE COLONIES THROUGH MORE DEBT 

Ramona: FIGHT THE OTHER FOUNDING FATHERS TILL HE HAS TO FORFEIT

Justine: HAVE IT ALL LOSE IT ALL YOU READY FOR MORE YET? 

Cedar: What's happening right now? I'm confused 

Ramona: TREASURY SECRETARY WASHINGTON'S THE PRESIDENT

Justine: EVERY AMERICAN EXPERIMENT SETS A PRECEDENT 

Ramona: NOT AO FAST SOMEONE CAME ALONG TO RESIST HIM 

Hopper: Uh... please stop whatever this is 

Justine: PISSED HIM OFF UNTIL WE HAD A TWO PARTY SYSTEM 

Holly: Guys please quit spamming the group chat 

Ramona: YOU HAVEN'T MET HIM YET YOU HAVEN'T HAD THE CHANCE 

Justine: CAUSE HE'S BEEN KICKING ASS AS THE AMBASSADOR TO FRANCE 

Ramona: BUT SOMEONE'S GOT TO KEEP THR AMERICAN PROMISE 

Faybelle: Even IM asking you assholes to stop at this point 

Justine: YOU SIMPLY MUST MEET THOMAS THOMAS 

Ramona: THOMAS JEFFERSON'S COMING HOOOOOOOME 

Justine: THOMAS JEFFERSON'S COMING HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOME 

Ramona: THOMAS JEFFERSON'S COMING HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOME 

Sparrow: Knock it the fuck off already, would you? 

Justine: THOMAS JEFFERSON'S COMING HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOME

Ramona: THOMAS JEFFERSON'S COMING HOME 

Justine: LORD HE'S BEEN OFF IN PARIS FOR SO LONG 

Rosabella: Stop. 

Ramona: ...sO WHAT'D I MISS 

Justine: WHAT'D I MISS

Ramona: VIRGINIA MY HOME SWEET HOME 

Justine: I WANNA GIVE YOU A KISS 

Ramona: *muah* 

Melody: You guys are being INCREDIBLY fucking annoying right now 

Justine: I'VE BEEN IN PARIS MEETING LOTS OF DIFFERENT LADIES 

Ramona: I GUESS I BASICALLY MISSED THE LATE EIGHTIES 

Justine: I TRAVELED THE WIDE WIDE WORLD AND CAME BACK TO THIS 

Apple: You two are no longer allowed to be within 50 feet of each other 

Justine: BRO SHE IS MY DAD WHAT THE FUCK YOU CAN'T DO THIS

Ramona: Bold of you to assume you have any control over what anyone does

Apple: I'm basically (unfortunately) the mother of everyone here so, and I mean this in the most offensive way possible, shut the fuck up you little bitchtit

Raven: Justine, why is she your dad?

Justine: o, bc my actual dad sucks ass 

Apple: *cough*mood*cough* 

Apple: I mean what? 

Poppy: Same bro 

Holly: Poppy Dad doesn't suck

Poppy: Don't pretend to know what I've gone through 

Alistair: My dad is just nonexistent 

Kitty: Mine went to get milk 16 years ago and he never came back 

Faybelle: SAME! 

Dexter: My dad hates my very existence 

Courtly: mommy issues trump daddy issues you bloody assholes 

Blondie: Oh god I just got a very disturbing mental image... 

Rosabella: Was it blood spewing out someone's rectum? 

Rosabella: Because... same 

Courtly: you guys are fucking weird and i'm from wonderland so that's saying something

Chase: Sorry nobody speaks tea and crumpets 

Courtly: that's is you're losing your balls

Chase: fuCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

Briar: I fell asleep why did Chase just run by in full armor screaming FUCK FUCK FUCK at the top of his lungs 

Daring: Why is Chase even in full knight armor? 

Duchess: Why does Chase go to this school 

Lizzie: Okay, so Darling and Chase pulled swords out of nowhere and are backing Courtly into a corner 

Kitty: hOLY SHIT BETRAYAL

Kitty: DARLING FUCKING TURNED HER SWORD ON CHASE AND THEY'RE FULL ON DUELING IN THE HALL

Darling: We got detention 

Chase: Worth it 

Courtly: wHY DOES EVERYONE HATE ME 

Holly: So we've all just glossed over the fact that apparently my dad sucks and I don't know about it 

Poppy: He's abusive as hell and I can't even tell you why

Holly: Since when?! 

Poppy: Like... since some time last year???? Idfk 

Poppy: anyway, that's why I hide in my room all the time ✌️✌️✌️

Duchess: Um... you good, or...? 

Poppy: I mean, I want to die, what does that tell you? 

Duchess: Okay, so you're fine then... 

Daring: Honestly I'm more concerned with the fact that apparently Apple's dad sucks

Daring: Like isn't her family supposed to be perfect 

Apple: Well, I mean, the dude is in prison right now... 

Daring: Since when?!? 

Raven: Oh, he tried to kill me with a frying pan like 6 years ago 

Dexter: rAVEN WHAT THE ACTUAL HEX 

Duchess: What's that I smell? 

Duchess: a S I M P???? 

Poppy: Oh please, you're one to talk

Duchess: sfakxDFADKFJAD STAHP 

Courtly: k i'm going to hide from chase bc he's still pissed at me 

Courtly: BLONDIE CUPID LEARN TO LOCK THE FUCKING DOOR 

Cedar: I don't think I want to know what happened 

Courtly: they are FUCKING in the BATHROOM and i had to RUN IN AND SEE IT 

Ramona: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST AGAIN YOU GUYS??! 

Ramona: DOOR LOCKS ARE SIMPLE THINGS TO USE 

Kitty: Remember that ✨iNtErEsTiNg✨ conversation from a few weeks ago? 

Kitty: You really shouldn't be talking right now... 

Ramona: I will violently rip all of your throats out


	35. Wonderland Chat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wild.card has added headswillroll 
> 
> headswillroll has left the chat 
> 
> wild.card has added headswillroll
> 
> headswillroll has left the chat 
> 
> -or-
> 
> Courtly and Lizzie finally deal with their issues (because they have a lot of them) and some gay drama happens

wild.card has added headswillroll, smileandwaveboys, mad.teapot, riddleboi, bestknight, and floofy_tail

wild.card has named the chat d0wn the rabbit h0le

headswillroll has left the chat 

wild.card has added headswillroll 

headswillroll has left the chat 

wild.card has added headswillroll

headswillroll has left the chat 

wild.card has added headswillroll

headswillroll has left the chat 

wild.card has added headswillroll

headswillroll has left the chat 

wild.card has added headswillroll

headswillroll has left the chat 

wild.card has added headswillroll

headswillroll has left the chat 

wild.card has added headswillroll 

headswillroll has left the chat 

wild.card has added headswillroll

headswillroll has left the chat 

mad.teapot: this is actually getting annoying and that's saying something 

smileandwaveboys: oH MY GOD. STOP. 

wild.card: one of you get your girlfriend to stay in the chat

mad.teapot has added headswillroll

mad.teapot: LIZZIE WAIT A SECOND STAY A SECOND

headswillroll: ...

smileandwaveboys: princess just do it please 

headswillroll: ...

floofy.tail: Courtly, why are we in this chat? 

riddleboi: We already have a group chat of just the Wonderlandians, you know

bestknight: courtly and I aren't in that gc tho 

headswillroll: thats because we dont like u

riddleboi: Ignore her, I tried to put you in the chat once but she threatened to decapitate me

mad.teapot: im changing my name bitches

mad.teapot has changed their name to gaytea 

floofy.tail: Maddie... do you HAVE gay tea...? 

gaytea: well obviously!!!!!! but i cant just spill it wherever now can i??????? 

smileandwaveboys: im changing my name too 

smileandwaveboys has changed their name to dajoker 

bestknight: why exactly? 

dajoker has sent a picture 

bestknight: okie thx 

floofy.tail: Is that the joker???? He’s terrifying! 

dajoker: also were both chaotic antagonists who r obviously gay 

riddleboi: Kitty you're not the antagonist of our story...? 

dajoker: an antagonist is someone who makes achieving ones goals difficult

dajoker: we r ALL antagonists except for u and bunny

bestknight: im not even in the story 

wild.card: oh shut the fuck up chase nobody cares about your sob story 

floofy.tail: Get rekd Chase 

headswillroll has changed their name to chainsawthrumahneck

gaytea: no 

dajoker: no 

chainsawthrumahneck: fine 

chainsawthrumahneck has changed their name to guillotinequeen 

bestknight: ...dOUBLE BUBBLE DISCO QUEEN HEADED TO THE GUILLOTINE 

wild.card: emo little shit 

bestknight: shut the fuck yo courtly 

wild.card: fuck yo

bestknight: sTIP 

wild.card: stip 

bestknight: seriously you bitvh, shut the fuck ip 

wild.card: bitvh

wild.card: fuck ip 

riddleboi: Courtly, just stop

wild.card: sure defend your boyfriend why dont you 

riddleboi: He's not my boyfriend!! 

bestknight: hE'S NOT MY BOYFRIEND!!! 

gaytea: read my username 

floofy.tail: lol, you're probably not wrong Maddie... 

riddleboi: Babe... 

floofy.tail: Am I wrong? 

riddleboi: I-

floofy.tail: Am I wrong? 

riddleboi: Just because you're right doesn't mean you need to say it

bestknight: O.o

riddleboi: ...

riddleboi has left the chat

bestknight: Okay then... 

wild.card: lmao gay drama is the best 

dajoker: you caused the drama 

wild.card: and? 

dajoker: ... maybe your not so bad 

dajoker: you know, when youre not get trying to steal lizzie's destiny and take over wonderland 

guillotinequeen: yes yes courtly's just the BEST. Why the fuck am I here you stupid ass bitchy fucker clown hoe 

wild.card: the school is seriously lacking any and all wonder 

wild.card: also lizzie you can hate me all you want for trying to steal your destiny that was a fucked up thing to do and i don't deserve forgiveness but for the love of all that is unholy in this world please learn how to insult people 

wild.card: when you use too many swear words you sound like a child

guillotinequeen: you know what courtly? 

I Hate You 

Lizzie: you need to move on and leave me alone. i'm sick and tired of it you stalking me all the time

Courtly: i'm not stalking you, you're just from wonderland is all

Lizzie: What does that have to do with anything???? 

Courtly: the chat was supposed to be for wonderland chaos 

Courtly: also they put our lockers like right on top of each other because we're both from wonderland 

Lizzie: so you really were trying to get to your locker then the other day????? 

Courtly: ye

Courtly: trust me i am OVER you 

Courtly: time in prison will do that to a person 

Lizzie: good

Lizzie: i guess im almost half sorry I broke your nose

Lizzie: because on the one hand it seems like a dick move 

Lizzie: but on the other hand you deserved it 

Courtly: can we just agree to quit being so hostile to each other all the time at least 

Lizzie: that seems fair enough 

d0wn the rabbit h0le 

gaytea: so we all think lizzie and courtly killed each other right? 

floofy.tail: Oh, definitely 

dajoker: was there ever really any question? 

guillotinequeen: sorry to inform you guys that we are both still alive 

wild.card: where'd the boys go anyway?

gaytea: chase left 10 minutes ago and alistair never got added back 

wild.card: nobody leaves the chat 

wild.card has added riddleboi and bestknight 

riddleboi: So I may have a boyfriend... 

floofy.tail: YAY NOW I DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOUR PINING ANYMORE 

riddleboi: Rude 

dajoker: this school so slowly getting gayer and gayer

gaytea: isn't it amazing????? 

dajoker: hey im not complaining 

dajoker: more people to assist in the inevitable overthrowing of gr*mm

wild.card: anarchy you say? 

wild.card: im in 

guillotinequeen: anyway congratulations chase and alistair

bestknight: thank you lizzie for being the only one who cares 

wild.card: go fuck yourself 

bestknight: no <3

guillotinequeen: so nobody in this chat is straight huh? 

wild.card: you and I literally dated so im out

dajoker: princess you and it ARE dating currently 

gaytea: you and me are literally dating lizzie 

riddleboi: Maddie and Kitty you two sent that at the same time lol 

bestknight: what about bunny?

floofy.tail: uh... 👉👈

gaytea: she kissed me on like 4 separate occasions back in wonderland

guillotinequeen: were you guys even dating??? 

floofy.tail: The only person I’ve ever actually dated is Alistair 

dajoker: damn girlie 

riddleboi: Why 4 times? Like, if you weren’t even dating, what was the situation with that? 

floofy.tail: I don’t know, it just happened! 

floofy.tail: Can we change the subject now? Please? 

wild.card: why dont we all go cause some chaos and attempt to throw the school into anarchy 

dajoker: yASSSSSS 

gaytea: BRING ON THE ANARCHY BITCHES

bestknight: im getting pulled into this aren’t i 

wild.card: oh sweetie its cute you thought you had any choice in the matter 

bestknight: that figures


	36. Eat A Dick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Justine: it's over 
> 
> Melody: Hey quick question what the actual fuck is happening right now 
> 
> Dexter: Looks like someone's getting dumped
> 
> ———————
> 
> I sat down and wrote 2517 words of pure crack in two hours but I can’t write a half page essay for English class without wanting to die

<3

Mona: Rosabella 

Mona: Rosabella

Mona: Rosabella 

Mona: Rosabella

Rosy: WHAT 

Mona: we should spam song lyrics on the main chat 

Rosy: No 

Mona: why 

Rosy: Because everyone else gets mad and I'm not dealing with that 

Mona: well fuck you then 

Rosy: Love you too hoe

besties

boogiewoogiewoogie: Justine

boogiewoogiewoogie: Justine

boogiewoogiewoogie: Justine

boogiewoogiewoogie: let's do a song lyric prank 

youaremydad: YES

youaremydad: what song 

boogiewoogiewoogie: you ever heard any Bo Bernham songs? 

Class chat

Justine: it's over 

Holly: Yay, more drama 

Poppy: Was that... sarcasm? 

Holly: I can be sarcastic too, you know! 

Justine: we shouldn't fight to stay together just to fight again

Apple: Justine you're in the class chat you know 

Justine: it's over 

Melody: Hey quick question what the actual fuck is happening right now 

Dexter: Looks like someone's getting dumped

Justine: we're unhappy 

Raven: Wow that poor person 

Daring: Anyone who can dump someone in a class group chat is heartless 

Courtly: i have popcorn if yall want some

Lizzie: nobody with that severe of a British accent should be saying y'all

Chase: lizzie you say y'all all the time 

Lizzie: what's your point CHASE

Chase: ...nothing, carry on 

Justine: We need to take a break from us to make us right again

Lizzie: i thought so

Lizzie: by the way off with your dick

Alistair: why don't you leave him alone LIZZIE

Kitty: why don't you leave her alone ALISTAIR

Bunny: Why don't you leave him alone KITTY 

Maddie: why don't you leave her alone BUNNY 

Justine: and even though it's not gonna go any further

Alistair: Why don't you leave her alone MADDIE

Lizzie: Why don't you leave her alone ALISTAIR 

Chase: Why don't you leave him alone LIZZIE 

Maddie: why don't you leave her alone CHASE

Justine: i swear i don't regret a second of it

Alistair: Why don't you leave him alone MADDIE 

Kitty: why don't you leave her alone ALISTAIR 

Courtly: *violently crunching popcorn*

Bunny: Why don't you leave him alone KITTY 

Lizzie: why don't you leave her alone BUNNY

Justine: and when the dust has settled

Briar: Why don't you all leave each other alone and SHUT THE ACTUAL FUCK UP

Lizzie: it's a vicious cycle

Lizzie: also Courtly give me some popcorn right now 

Cerise: Didn't you two hate each other like two days ago 

Courtly: That was then this is now 

Lizzie: I mean, I'd still staple her fingers to her face in a heartbeat 

Courtly: I would dropkick you into the sun for a tortilla chip

Justine: *i hope that we can still be friends

Hunter: Guys I'm trying to see what drama is going down

Ramona: EAT A DICK 

Rosabella: Oh for fucks's sake-

Hunter: Was that directed at me...? 

Rosabella: Nope it was directed at Justine

Ramona: EAT A DICK

Faybelle: Oop tea-

Ramona: EAT A FUCKING DICK BITCH 

Darling: Am I missing something here??? 

Holly: Alright, how many people in this class are gay?

Chase: More than you'd think 

Daring: Alistair just kissed Chase... 

Alistair: wE ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WOODS WHY ARE YOU EVEN OUT HERE?????? 

Bunny: Seriously?! 

Raven: Chase, you might want to run... 

Bunny: No, but it took Alistair FOUR MONTHS of dating before he kissed me! It's been like a week, dude! 

Ramona: PUT ON YOUR DICK EATING GLOVES 

Alistair: Okay, to be fair, we were 15 and it was my first kiss! 

Alistair: Just because you've been running around kissing people since you see 13... 

Maddie: 11

Maddie: She's been kissing people since she was 11

Bunny: MADDIE. SHUT UP.

Maddie: I NEVER SAID WHO YOU KISSED, JUST THAT YOU KISSED SOMEONE WHEN YOU WERE 11

Ramona: AND GET READY TO GOBBLE A DICK UP

Blondie: do I smell drama 

Cupid: It's all gay drama that doesn't need to be revealed to the entire school 

Blondie: Well fuck 

Ashlynn: Wait, Daring, why were you in the woods? 

Daring: I was looking for Cerise 

Cedar: How many secret relationships am I going to find out about? I'm horrible at keeping secrets! 

Apple: cedar we knew that a long time ago

Cerise: What secret relationship? There's no secret relationship 

Darling: Why the fuck you lying

Darling: Why you always lying 

Cerise: DARLING THE HEX

Ramona: IF YOU DON'T LIKE THIS DICK BITCH EAT A FUCKING DICK BITCH

Daring: There is no secret relationship! 

Cedar: Cerise is visibly sweating right now

Cerise: You're just doing it to be annoying at this point

Kitty: cerise how are you SO HORRIBLE at keeping secrets????

Cerise: I will end you 

Dexter: Seriously bro, you mean to tell me there ISN'T a secret relationship? 

Dexter: So Cerise is just constantly in your dorm platonically?

Sparrow: oOoOoOoOoOh

Daring: ...fine, there may be a secret relationship 

Faybelle: GODDAMN IT

Faybelle: i owe apple $20 now 

Justine: okay you're angry 

Daring: yOU WERE BETTING ON US?! 

Apple: no..........? 

Darling: wHY THE FUCK YOU LYING

Briar: wHY YOU ALWAYS LYING 

Darling: MMMMM OH MY GOD 

Briar: STOP FUCKING LYING 

Justine: i can see that

Cerise: I've known about that bet for months 

Daring: wHAT 

Cerise: Yeah Apple told me about it in like September

Daring: And you didn't TELL ME??? 

Cerise: It didn't seem important 

Justine: But you don't need to make this harder than it has to be 

Cupid: I love how we're all just ignoring Justine and Ramona lmao 

Melody: nah fam, just I'm watching shit go down 

Justine: i try to speak to you but you won't listen 

Holly: Are we all going to ignore the fact that Chase and Alistair are apparently dating??? 

Holly: When did you and Bunny break up? 

Ramona: EAT A DICK 

Bunny: We didn't break up???????? 

Poppy: Hey Holly maybe it's best to just stay out of it

Blondie: Holly can do that but I can't because I'm on season 3 of y'all's bullshit 

Darling: lmao chase was pining for months and I'm glad I don't have to listen to it anymore 

Bunny: Alistair was doing the same 

Alistair: lasdjfalkdjf STAHP 

Chase: darling i will run you through with a sword 

Darling: bitch try me 

Justine: hold on please just let me—

Ramona: EAT A DICK 

Bunny: No <3 

Dexter: Wait, if they're not broken up, how does that work? 

Alistair: It's called polyamory, BETHANY 

Dexter: I'm not even a girl?

Justine: oh my god-

Bunny: Just an FYI, I told Alistair months ago that he could ask Chase out if he wanted to 

Hopper: You seemed mad when you found out Alistair kissed Chase

Alistair: I was going to tell her later! 

Bunny: Probably when he was ranting to me about how amazing Chase is for the umpteenth time 

Courtly: oi rabbit did you just say umpteenth in a text 

Bunny: Yes. Why? 

Justine: honestly are you fucking five

Kitty: why don't we all butt out of their relationship 

Chase: i second this! 

Alistair: I third this

Bunny: I fourth it

Maddie: i fifth it

Lizzie: i sixth it

Courtly: I have nothing to say here 

Justine: i'm trying to talk this out and you refuse to even listen to me 

Cerise: Yeah, Ramona you're being kind of really immature 

Cerise: I mean, what else is new, but still 

Rosabella: pffffft- 

Blondie: Is this tea? 

Blondie: can I use whatever the fuck is happening with Ramona and Justine for my show? 

Cupid: I wouldn't sweetie 

Raven: "sweetie"- those two are probably the most innocent couple in the school 

Justine: i am saying how i'm feeling

Apple: implying that you and Dexter aren't so innocent? 

Dexter: ...

Raven: shut up 

Kitty: she fell on me trying to sneak out her dorm window to see him at midnight once 

Raven: KITTY YOU SAID YOU WEREN'T GOING TO TELL ANYONE 

Kitty: I changed my mind 

Cerise: Raven do you want me to stab her? 

Raven: can you? 

Justine: and you're saying "eat a dick" 

Duchess: When did that happen? Just for reference and totally not to bully Raven about it forever 

Poppy: No bullying 

Duchess: ...fine 

Faybelle: SiMp 

Duchess: BiTcH 

Kitty: well it was in September 

Kitty: how do you think I got two gallons of vanilla

Raven: She blackmailed me! I should have gone to a teacher! 

Cedar: That would mean telling the truth that you were sneaking out at midnight to see your boyfriend 

Justine: does that seem like the mature and productive response?

Alistair: What about Hunter and Ashlynn for most innocent couple? 

Holly: They broke up months ago m

Ashlynn: We got back together two weeks ago 

Briar: wHY AM I NOT INFORMED ABOUT ANYTHING 

Apple: RIGHT?! LIKE, ASHLYNN, YOU AND I ARE SUPPOSED TO BE FRIENDS 

Ashlynn: Aren't you guys still in contact with Farrah? Or am I making stuff up? 

Ramona: NO BUT SEE I THINK THE ISSUE IS 

Apple: so we're just supposed to find this stuff out from Farrah? 

Ashlynn: Well, I mean... 

Sparrow: Dude I literally could have told you that if you didn't remove me from the group chat 

Duchess: yOU LEFT OF YOUR OWN ACCORD 

Poppy: I believe your exact words were "I don't want to be in a group chat with a bunch of girls fuck this shit I'm out" 

Sparrow: I NEVER said fuck this shit I'm out 

Duchess: pretty sure you did 

Ramona: I'VE GOT MY FATHER'S TEMPER

Poppy: yeah, I remember a fuck this shit I'm out 

Sparrow: quit ganging up on me 

Poppy: nobody gangs up on you, you're just always wrong 

Sparrow: no, your loyalties are always with each other 

Duchess: And? Is there something wrong with that? 

Sparrow: nah it's just annoying 

Sparrow: oh and fuck you poppy 

Ramona: AND I'M EMOTIONALLY INARTICULATE 

Holly: Sparrow don't say that to my sister 

Duchess: it's a thing friends so, something you wouldn't understand because you DON'T HAVE ANY 

Poppy: DUCHESS 

Holly: That's just rude you know 

Poppy: APOLOGIZE

Duchess: annnnnd now I pissed them both off 

Duchess: great 

Ramona: SO RSTHER THAN BEING HONEST AND VULNERABLE 

Poppy: you regularly let me near your hair with scissors, do you want to test me right now 

Duchess: ...fine, sorry or whatever 

Raven: Duchess apologizing to someone? 

Dexter: What sorcery is this? 

Maddie: aww they're finishing each other's sentences 

Cerise: barf, affection

Cerise: Nevermind 

Cedar: Darins kissed her on the cheek

Ramona: IM GONNA QUICK SWITCH 

Cerise: I know how to use a chainsaw 

Cedar: do you actually???? 

Cerise: My mom taught me when I was like seven 

Daring: That sounds like child endangerment 

Ramona: CAUSE I'M HURTING INSIDE 

Rosabella: oof my guy 

Melody: who's not dead inside tho les bi honest 

Darling: les bi? 

Melody: autocorrect 

Darling: 

Rosabella: Darling why are you being a meme today? 

Ramona: AND I'M TRYING TO HIDE IT SO EAT A DICK BITCH 

Darling: because I'm depressed and I have swords so it's either be a meme or run myself through 

Apple: ...Darling do you want a hug 

Darling: ...yes please 

Raven: You know those two have been oddly close ever since the incident with she-who-shall-not-be-named last year... 

Sparrow: Do you mean that time your mom poisoned Apple

Raven: Yes, thank you, SPARROW. 

Ramona: *sobbing* EaT a DiCk BiTcH eAt A fUcKiNg DiCk BiTcH 

Holly: Are you implying that there's something going on between Apple and Darling? 

Hopper: That would be a plot twist

Apple: There is nothing going on between me and Darling except for friendship 

Darling: yeah we're just two gals being pals what's wrong with that? 

Ramona: i ThOuGhT wE hAd A fUtUrE tOgEtHeR 

Daring: Oh really? Why are you suddenly best friends all of a sudden? 

Apple: Because she's the one girl in the grade I wasn't friends with and she's saved my life multiple times??? 

Duchess: We were never friends 

Faybelle: I still can't stand you 

Apple: We have the same group of friends, we're friends-in-laws, deal with it 

Justine: i didn't think you'd cry for me 

Cupid: what the fuck is a friend-in-law 

Apple: I have no idea, I've only slept 3 hours the past week because the goddamn group chat has fucked up my sleep schedule completely 

Briar: What is sleep though? 

Courtly: this group chat sounds chaotic as fuck 

Kitty: It is 

Courtly: then why am'nt i in it????

Apple: i can do it...

Poppy: Because it's hard enough reigning in Kitty Maddie and Faybelle

Melody: They like to blow things up

Apple: I can do it....

Justine: i didn't think you cared 

Courtly: sO DO I 

Apple: I Can Do It......

Apple: BUT I'M ONLY HUMAN 

Apple: *deep inhale* 

Apple: AM'NT ISN'T A WORD! 

Courtly: it is now bitch

Justine: i thought that you were lashing out in anger

Maddie: Person one: *is an asshole in general* Person two: "I'm breaking up with you" Person one: "Wait, no, please, I have ✨D A D D Y I S S U E S✨" Person two: ...Okay cool love you 

Melody: Sounds like some hetero bullshit 

Blondie: SoUnDs LiKe SoMe HeTeRo BuLLsHiT 💀

Rosabella: I mean... you're not exactly wrong??? 

Justine: but now i see you're scared i'm scared too

Daring: Why does that sound like an insult to straight people? 

Alistair: Because the straggots are weird

Cupid: tHe StRaGgOtS 💀

Chase: the heteronis

Faybelle: OMFG I CANT BREATH- 

Courtly: 

Courtly: ive had that saved in my phone since last june 

Justine: maybe we can work this out and not break up 

Cedar: That sounds like a legitimately horrible idea

Ramona: really? 

Justine: NO SUCK MY DICK 

Sparrow: lmao get rekd fucking furry 

Rosabella: She told me to tell you to go fuck yourself 

Justine: SUCK MY MOTHERFUCKING DICK

Holly: So what's up with the straight hate? 

Maddie: you mean besides the fact that you all actually suck? 

Raven: eye- 

Maddie: no not you Raven you Cedar and Cerise are the three good ones 

Cerise: Sounds good to me 

Raven: Phew, I was worried for a second 

Cedar: I have done nothing to be one of the good ones but I'll take it anyway 

Justine: YOU THINK THREE LOUSY TEARS OFFSETS THREE YEARS OF SHIT? 

Cerise: You guys haven't even known each other for three years????? 

Poppy: Wait, didn't Justine call Ramona her dad the other day? 

Briar: Oop- 

Lizzie: Well there's some sweet home Alabama bullshit 

Justine: I DESERVE BETTER THAN YOU 

Melody: you know they're not actually related, right? 

Lizzie: Yeah, so? 

Justine: SORRY YOU'RE NOT WHAT I NEED HUN 

Justine: SUCK THIS DICK THEN LEAVE SON 

Melody: Justine you don't have a dick

Ramona: How would you know she doesn't

Melody: I'm not answering that 

Holly: Wait, I'm confused... how long were you two even together? And like since when are you guys gay? 

Justine: we never were together 

Rosabella: they were doing a lyric prank, Ramona tried to get me to do it earlier

Justine: she did WHAT now??? 

Ramona: why is it a big deal

Justine: bros before hoes bitch 

Rosabella: did you just call me a hoe? 

Justine: maybe I did 

Rosabella: well fuck you too assclown

Justine: XD

Rosabella: XD 

Ramona: why is my life a fucking nightmare


	37. Christmas Chaos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sword.lady: did you seriously send her the entire lyrics to wap
> 
> wolfchild: i was bored
> 
> love(goddess): what does wap mean????
> 
> -or- 
> 
> Just because it’s Christmas doesn’t mean the crackheads are going to stop being chaotic little fuckers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't resist doing one more chapter before Christmas. HAPPY HOLIDAYS, Y'ALL! Just a few more days before this hellish year is over, hang in there guys!

no hetero 

headswillroll: guys its CHRISTMAS 

love(goddess): yeah, and? 

fairest: Lizzie it's 5:30 pm, how did you not realize until now that it's Christmas??? 

headswillroll: oh shut the truck up 

evilfairy.io: tryck lmsiiooooiop

midnight_magic: what the fuck 

evilfairy.io: mu mim gabe me alcohol and I an teally drink

midnight_magic: again what the fuck 

sleepy_gurl: gaubrllw wgt dud toyr non guce toi akxigpl,,,,,

wolfchild: briar what the actual fuck 

wolfchild: i mean i know you don't have a single brain cell in your head but jesus fucking christ 

wolfchild: im pretty sure a jellyfish would be smarter than you 

animal.rights: stip brunh am addhole amina 

sword.lady: rosabella...

sword.lady: you good...? 

sleepy_gurl: entire beauty family is having a family dinner rn we're both texting under the table with one hand 

dancing.queen: we can understand you tho

sleepy_gurl: i'm hiding in the bathroom 

sleepy_gurl: i asked why faybelle's mom gave her alcohol and i think rosabella told ramona to stop being an asshole but i'm not sure 

animal.rights: ye

evilfairy.io: shr gaave meh alcogol becsuse sge can

mad.teapot: you better share bitch 

evilfairy.io: bo 

mad.teapot: i'll share me weed

evilfairy.io: .,. deak 

smileandwaveboys: hey can we add the other gays in the school to the chat

smileandwaveboys: just because it's christmas 

midnight_magic: ye, add my gf at least! 

smileandwaveboys has added shoes, gatherer, sk8erboi, wild.card, riddleboi, floofy_tail, and bestknight 

xX_Just.right_Xx: merry christmas you chaotic motherfuckers! 

sword.lady: CHASE 

sword.lady: CHANGE YOUR FUCKING NAME YOU LIAR 

bestknight: but i am the best knight 

sword.lady: no you're not 

fairest: No you're not 

wild.card: no ur not

bestknight: darling you're wrong, apple i get why you said it you're sticking up for your girlfriend that's fair, courtly, fuck you 

wild.card: i'm a bitch what do you want me to tell you 

wild.card has changed their name to crazybitch 

wild.card: there

dancing.swan: you

dancing.swan: ...i like you 

haircutgurl: oh god this friendship can only end in a flaming shitshow of epic proportions

dancing.swan: poppy ily but stfu 

floofy_tail: I'm changing my name 

floofy_tail has changed their name to carrotsaremyblood 

riddleboi: babe what the hex 

riddleboi: hang on

riddleboi has changed their name to aDvEnTuRe

sk8erboi: so y'all are just changing your names then huh

aDvEnTuRe: not shocked you're here 

sk8erboi: and what's that supposed to mean

aDvEnTuRe: just that you're obviously gay as fuck 

sk8erboi: you LITERALLY HAVE A BOYFRIEND 

aDvEnTuRe: when did i ever say i was straight 

crazybitch: nobody from wonderland is straight 

bestknight: my mom had a thing with lizzie's mom once 

headswillroll: my mom just kissed his mom on the lips

sword.lady: cHASE CHANGE YOUR FUCKING NAME

bestknight has changed their name to redboi

redboi: happy: 

sword.lady: yes very 

dj_queen: anyway, farrah apparently you were supposed to tell us hunter and ashlynn got back together???? 

midnight_magic: in my defense

midnight_magic: i forgot

animal.rights has left the chat

wolfchild: ...Rosabella? 

sleepy_gurl: nobody add her back!!

sleepy_gurl: some shit went down and basically her parents are going through her phone and reading stuff OUT LOUD and also it's connected to the tv in the living room so we can see every 

sleepy_gurl: they started with her search history 

sleepy_gurl: it's just pages and pages of pictures of poison ivy 

fairest: like the plant...? 

sleepy_gurl: the character

sleepy_gurl: at least 60% of the images are of her and harley quinn and not a single one is actually appropriate-

dancing.swan: damn, can't wait to make fun of her for that for the rest of her life 

shoes: why am i here again 

midnight_magic: because it's christmas 

crazybitch: we must now don our gay apparel and go fuck some shit up 

mad.teapot: someone's halls are getting DECKED 

crazybitch: FUCK YEAH

sleepy_gurl: okay they moved on to her most recent text conversation and since she left the chat that would be her conversation with ramona 

wolfchild: ...i'm just going to go die in a hole now 

gatherer: i'm scared to ask but what did you send her

smileandwaveboys: with how many times i've caught those two in a supply closet this year i don't think i want to know 

wolfchild: i will rip your throat out with my bare hands

smileandwaveboys: you've already threatened that it's not original in any way 

dj_queen: i love how whenever drama goes down the person whose ass is getting exposed threatens to kill the exposer in various violent ways and everyone else just kind of vibes 

sleepy_gurl: rAMONA WHAT THE FUCK 

dancing.queen: wHAT DID SHE DO? 

mad.teapot: BRIAR SPILL THE MOTHERFUCKING TEA 

sk8erboi: BRO DON'T JUST LEAVE US HANGING

wolfchild: tell me what thing you're saying what the fuck to because i don't want to accidentally expose myself 

sleepy_gurl:ALRIGHT, START WITH THE ENTIRE LYRICS TO WAP

carrotsaremyblood: ...i'm scared

gatherer: ...why, exactly? 

sword.lady: did you seriously send her the entire lyrics to wap

wolfchild: i was bored

love(goddess): what does wap mean????

crazybitch: worship and prayer 

mad.teapot: why are pineapples

redboi: wings and pizza 

haircutgurl: women acquiring power

midnight_magic: whale adoption program

fairest: wireless access point

dancing.queen: warthogs eat people

evilfairy.io: we are potatoes

shoes: witches and pumpkins

gatherer: wrapping a present 

aDvEnTuRe: we adore pokémon 

sleepy_gurl: waddling arctic penguins 

wolfchild: weird and proud

dancing.swan: white alfredo pasta

xX_Just.right_Xx: wearing a parka

carrotsaremyblood: waffles and pancakes

smileandwaveboys: wrestling a pig

sk8erboi: wrinkly ass prunes

headswillroll: wielding a parrot

sword.lady: warm apple pie

dj_queen: wool and paper

love(goddess): i love how y'all just collectively to spare my innocence lmao 

xX_Just.right_Xx: wait, you actually know what it means????? 

love(goddess): the song is literally playing in the background right now 

love(goddess): are y'all forgetting that my dad is a god and gods are the horniest fuckers to ever exist????? 

sleepy_gurl: rAMONA WHAT THE FUCK

wolfchild: again, you'll need to be more specific 

wolfchild: because rosabella has said that at least 38 times today

sleepy_gurl: why did you spray paint a watermelon rainbow carve a dick into it and leave it on someone's doorstep

carrotsaremyblood: i'm sorry- she did wHAT?! 

wolfchild: it was red riding hood's house and i almost got away without being seen but my dumbass had to take a picture and cerise came out and smacked me upside the head with a broom

sk8erboi: i'm immature as fuck i wanna see the watermelon send a picture 

wolfchild has sent a picture

dancing.queen: that's hilarious 

fairest: why would you do that on christmas though 

fairest: like i would think you could at least wait until tomorrow 

carrotsaremyblood: forget christmas, how about why would anyone do that in the first place???????

fairest: i have no faith in any of these assholes not to be dipshits except you hunter and maybe ashlynn

sk8erboi: fucking rude 

crazybitch: that's fair 

sleepy_gurl: this is painful to watch 

wolfchild: what now 

sleepy_gurl: she's trying to explain whatever you two said in spanish 

wolfchild: oh that lmao 

shoes: i really don't care but what did you guys say in spanish 

wolfchild: "the man with the hat sent us" "he has told us many amazing stories" "tonight we dine on turtles" "they will be good" 

haircutgurl: hey quick question what the fuck 

wolfchild: i'm not saying anything 

sleepy_gurl: they gave up and cuz is pissed imma add her back to the chat 

sleepy_gurl has added animal.rights 

animal.rights: i am going to fUCKING MURDER MY PARENTS 

animal.rights: anyway, what happened while i was gone 

love(goddess): what does wap mean 

animal.rights: wasted academic potential 

evilfairy.io: mE- 

wolfchild: okay what happened that your parents took your phone 

animal.rights: my aunt was being homophobic for no reason and i was arguing with her and she tried to say that c*nversion th*rapy should be mandatory so i launched a comically oversized spoonful of green beans at her and she started screaming and asking why i was taking it so personally and i was like "BECAUSE I'M SICK OF SITTING HERE LISTENING TO YOU ATTACK MY BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS" 

wolfchild: that sounds literally horrible where does your aunt live i just wanna talk

sword.lady: okay but there's 22 of us and only one of her... 

wolfchild: let's go beat her ass

animal.rights: ...aight, let's go 

crazybitch: WAIT A SECOND

crazybitch: before we go deck that bitch's halls we need to don our gay apparel

headswillroll: give me about an hour and i'll make ponchos out of pride flags so she knows that she's pissed off the wrong queer group chat

animal.rights: wait don't go beat her ass you'll just get arrested 

xX_Just.right_Xx: can we stand outside screaming "1234 OPEN UP THE CLOSET DOOR 5678 DON'T ASSUME YOUR KIDS ARE STRAIGHT" 

fairest: we also have to scream "be gay do crimes" 

headswillroll: i'm bringing my battle axe 

animal.rights: gUYS WHAT THE FUCK 

wolfchild: babe have you been paying attention to the group chat for the past 20 minutes 

animal.rights: fuck hang on 

animal.rights has left the chat 

sleepy_gurl: her mom thinks she had something to do with this and she's going through her phone again 

sleepy_gurl: shit they're blaming me brb

sleepy_gurl has left the chat 

wolfchild has added animal.rights 

animal.rights: thx 

animal.rights: sTOP SCREAMING "GIVE US YOUR GAYS AND NO ONE GETS HURT" 

evilfairy.io has added sleepy_gurl 

sleepy_gurl: did you ass clowns seriously just kidnap rosabella 

aDvEnTuRe: what is an ass clown 

redboi: i mean she doesn't seem to mind

animal.rights: i mean when ramona yeeted me over her shoulder and y'all started running i was legit worried for a second 

gatherer: we were literally naruto running 

animal.rights: that's what gave it away that it was you 

sk8erboi: so your mom just let you get kidnapped??? 

animal.rights: my aunt shoved me to the door and said that if i didn't escape in 24 hours she was calling the police 

sword.lady: 

midnight_magic: fUCK WHERE ARE Y'ALL??? 

dj_queen: hiding in a dark alley there's some sketchy people here 

mad.teapot: JUST GET YOUR ASSES TO THE TEA SHOP 

sleepy_gurl: what happened 

dancing.queen: me farrah bunny maddie darling duchess sparrow cupid and alistair made it to the tea shop

aDvEnTuRe: chase ramona rosabella apple blondie faybelle melody poppy ashlynn hunter courtly kitty and lizzie got separated from us

shoes: tHERE'S A PERSON WITH A GUN HOLY SHIT 

smileandwaveboys: good thing lizzie brought her battle axe 

animal.rights: ha ha he just ran away like a little bitch 

sleepy_gurl: fuck i'm bored 

evilfairy.io: want me to go break you out

sleepy_gurl: ...yes please 

evilfairy.io: i'll be outside your window in 5 minutes

sleepy_gurl: fAY HOLY SHIT- 

evilfairy.io: get in loser we're going shopping

dancing.queen: holy fuck 

evillfairy.io: mADDIE WHERE CAN I PARK THIS THING 

dancing.swan: did you really hook the dragons up to a sled and make them fly you here?? 

evilfairy.io: ye 

sleepy_gurl: as we were pulling away she was screaming "MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL AND TO ALL A BIG FUCK YOU" 

evilfairy.io: maddie where do i put this thing

mad.teapot: idk the fucking roof maybe???? 

crazybitch: you might want to hurry up and get in here maddie's dad made hot chocolate and there's a fuckton of christmas cookies 

carrotsaremyblood: i'm just going to say it

carrotsaremyblood: this has literally been the most chaotic christmas ever 

dj_queen: duh 

redboi: you expected anything else from us???

carrotsaremyblood: fair point


	38. Evil Chaos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> killmenow has added Raven 
> 
> Raven: WHATTTTTT 
> 
> Raven: I'm in general villany and I hecking love this class lately 
> 
> stabbybitch: who are you and what have you done with Raven 
> 
> -or-
> 
> Two new chats are introduced and chaos happens

no hetero

sword.lady: i'm going to murder professor rumplestiltskin 

sword.lady: that tiny asshole better sleep with one eye open 

fairest: I think you're overreacting just a little bit 

midnight_magic: What happened? 

fairest: I have detention 

mad.teapot: it's the first day back from christmas break and you already have detention 

mad.teapot: teach me your secrets

evilfairy.io: what did you do this time

fairest: Well, professor Rumplstiltskin said that if someone didn't name the first 20 elements on the periodic table he was going to give us all detention 

fairest: So I stood up and sang the entire periodic table

sleepy_gurl: So how did that equal detention? 

sword.lady: he said she was being a know-it-all 

sword.lady: and i'm going to go kill him

crazybitch: why did apple just fucking tackle darling 

headswillroll: why are you still in this chat

crazybitch: because youre all pussies who wont remove me

headswillroll: bet 

crazybitch: come at me hoe

headswillroll has removed crazybitch 

redboi has added crazybitch 

headswillroll: gODDAMN IT CHASE I FINALLY GOT RID OF HER 

redboi: IT WASNT ME SHE STOLE MY PHONE AND ADDED HERSELF BACK 

shoes: I'm tired of your guys' bullshit 

shoes has left the chat

midnight_magic: :( 

aDvEnTuRe: Also Maddie next time you text the wonderland gc at 4:20 in the morning and ask us to come smoke weed with you and Kitty I'm going to smack you both

smileandwaveboys: Princess came and smoked seed with us 

carrotsaremyblood: Lizzie was already in your dorm anyway 

animal.rights: and I oop-

headswillroll: courtly was there too 

redboi: good for courtly

xX_Just.right_Xx: I feel the need to say that you could die from smoking weed 

crazybitch: yeah that's like the whole point 

sk8erboi: I would like to request an invitation to the weed smoking next time 

mad.teapot: that can be arranged 

§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§

Holly has added Apple, Ashlynn, Briar, Rosabella, Poppy, Darling, and Lizzie 

Holly has named the chat Princess Power

Briar has changed their name to wakemeupinside

Lizzie has changed their name to 420

Apple: Lizzie no 

420: Lizzie yes 

Holly: I don't get it

420: weed 

Holly: No

Holly has changed 420's name to LizzieNo

LizzieNo: ducking rood 

LizzieNo has changed their name to diebitch 

Rosabella: So we're all just going to change our names then? 

Rosabella: Aight 

Rosabella has changed their name to savetheturtles 

Apple has changed their name to killmenow

Poppy: mood 

Darling: ...are you okay??? 

killmenow: no I am not

weakemeupinside: WAIT! 

wakemeupinside has changed Ashlynn's name to Perfuma 

Perfuma: why 

wakemeupinside: because 

Poppy: ...would that make Hunter Scorpia???? 

wakemeupinside: oH MY GOD- 

Darling: he does give off Scorpia vibes... 

Holly has changed their name to godsaveme

Poppy has changed their name to thereisnogod 

Darling: lmfaoooo 

Darling has changed their name to stabbybitch 

killmenow: can I add Raven? I mean technically she is a princess... 

godsaveme: sure 

killmenow has added Raven 

Raven: WHATTTTTT 

Raven: I'm in general villany and I hecking love this class lately 

stabbybitch: who are you and what have you done with Raven 

Raven: Professor Badwolf abandoned us at the end of November and he hasn't been back since. 

Raven: He claims that we're beyond help 

Raven: I can't tell you what's going on because we all took a literal blood oath to keep things a secret 

Raven: Faybelle and I used our magic to bind the oath and everything 

Raven: But um let's just say it's chaos

thereisnogod: just change your fücking name 

Raven has changed their name to purple 

diebitch: that's the best you could come up with? Purple? 

purple: bRO YOU HAVEN'T COME TO CLASS IN AGES YOU'RE MISSING OUT 

diebitch: IM IN THR GROUP CHAT I'M NOT MISSING OUT ON SHIT 

Perfuma: y'all have a group chat 

purple: duh 

§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§

evil hoes 

blacknwhite: so we're just going to watch a cow dancing to a polish song about crack????? 

spice: tHAT'S WHAT IT'S ABOUT?!?! 

bigbad: ginger honey you're too innocent 

spice: I'm sorry I don't speak polish! 

birbgirl: me either but I know what it's about! 

cardhoe: I'm dragging lizzie here rn 

robberlmao: courtly why are you even in this fucking class

cardhoe: because I tried to take over wonderland, wbu 

cheerleader: he's an asshole 

robberlmao: fUCKING ROOD 

screamqueen: cOURTLY AND I ARE BEING FOLLOWED FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK 

blacknwhite: ABORT FUCKING MISSION

spice: O NO RUNNN 

bigbad: GET YOUR ASSES BACK TO CLASS NOWWW 

birbgirl: Well... that was fun 

bigbad: you mean having to explain to that freshman where my dad was and why we were standing on desks chanting in polish? 

birbgirl: yeah 

robberlmao: what did she even want anyway 

spice: she said she had to give Mr Badwolf a note from Baba Yaga

cheerleader: ooooh, what did it say 

spice: I don't know, I didn't read it! 

cardhoe: so... do y'all wanna try to summon a demon again? 

screamqueen: YASSSSSSSSS 

cheerleader: I GOT THE CANDLES 

blacknwhite: NO I GOT THEM, YOU'LL BURN DOWN THE SCHOOL YOUR FUCKING ARSONIST 

cheerleader: deck the halls with gasoline fa la la la la la la la la 

bigbad: the fuck 

cheerleader: strike a match and watch it gleam fa la la la la la la la la 

screamqueen: if you burn down the fucking school so help me Satan- 

cheerleader: now your school is burned to ashes fa la la la la la la la la

birbgirl: Christmas is over... 

cheerleader: aren't you glad you played with matches fa la la la la la la la la

spice: okay then... 

bigbad: RAVEN LAY IN THE PENTAGRAM

robberlmao: I WANNA GET POSSESSED THIS TIME! 

birbgirl: NO, DALE DOESN'T LIKE YOU 

robberlmao: how do you know?!?! 

birbgirl: because I'M THE ONE HE POSSESSED LAST TIME, REMEMBER?!? 

robberlmao: ...oh yeah 

blacknwhite: fucking dumbass 

robberlmao: fucking bitch 

blacknwhite: yes, I am a bitch, thank you for noticing 

cheerleader: lmaoooo 

spice: where's the demon 

cardhoe: why the fuck isn't this working 

birbgirl: Dale said he doesn't want to come back because Sparrow insulted him last time 

robberlmao: WHAT DID I DO?! 

bigbad: maybe it was the fact that you called his mother a whore 

cheerleader: sHE PUT MY NAME IN YELLOW HEARTS 

robberlmao: MY BUTT CHEEKS JIGGLE WHEN I FART 

screamqueen: what the fuck 

cardhoe: HER FAVORITE COLOR LIKE THE STARS

blacknwhite: BITCH IMMA HIT YOU WIH MY CAR 

spice: DUCHESS STOP BEATING UP SPARROW 

blacknwhite: NO, HE'S THE REASON DALE WON'T COME BACK 

bigbad: EVERYONE KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF RIGHT FUCKING NOW 

birbgirl: ...what should we do now? We still have 30 minutes left of this class 

spice: It's ONLY BEEN 15 MINUTES?!?! 

screamqueen: maybe I'll start coming to class again on my own

cardhoe: good because I'm not dragging your sorry ass here again 

screamqueen: good go die in a hole 

birbgirl: what the hex that's not normal 

robberlmao: yes it is, that's friendship

bigbad: we could make stupid tiktoks? 

cheerleader: we could do the it's the ___ for me thing 

bigbad: YES CHANGED MY MIND I VOTE FOR THAT I WANNA ROAST THE FUCK OUT OF Y'ALL

spice: I'm going to regret this, but let's do it


	39. Evil Chaos pt 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It’s the _______ for me” and more!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No I am not dead, I have just been sorely lacking motivation for this story

evil hoes 

bigbad: so... "it's the _____ for me" 

bigbad: just go after people at random? 

robberlmao: nooo everyone will target me!

screamqueen: i'm going to target courtly 

cardhoe: oh fuck you 

screamqueen: i would rather you didn't 

cheerleader: you guys are all a bunch of wet blankets 

cheerleader: i'll go first 

cheerleader: raven it's the literally starting a civil war in the school for me 

birbgirl: I DID NOT START A CIVIL WAR EXCUSE YOU 

robberlmao: you did 

birbgirl: you know what? 

birbgirl: sparrow it's the being so obnoxious that you have no friends for me 

robber: I HAVE FRIENDS! 

birbgirl: your mom doesn't count 

blacknwhite: god damn Raven woke up and chose violence today 

blacknwhite: i kind of don't hate her right now 

robberlmao: duchess it's the being both the villain and the victim of your own story for me 

blacknwhite: hell no, you're not getting away with the one, Sparrow Hood 

blacknwhite: it's the stupid little goatee that you've been deluded into thinking makes you look hot but actually makes you look like an ugly overgrown goat for me 

robberlmao: EVERYONE IS TARGETING ME 

cardhoe: is she wrong tho...? 

screamqueen: my turn! 

screamqueen: courtly it's the not knowing how to process a breakup without horribly shitty coping mechanisms for me 

cardhoe: i processed it just fine thank you very much! 

screamqueen: yOU TRIED TO STEAL MY DESTINY, KILL MY MOTHER, AND TAKE OVER WONDERLAND

screamqueen: IF THAT'S A HEALTHY COPING MECHANISM I'D HATE TO SEE A REALLY SHITTY ONE! 

birbgirl: she'd probably wind up in a mirror prison with my mother

cardhoe: lizzie it's the not knowing how to talk to other humans without screaming OFF W/ UR HEAD for me

bigbad: faybelle it's the arson for me 

cheerleader: lmao jokes on you i'm proud of that shit 

spice: sparrow it's the fact that you said my sugar cookies sucked for me (T⌓T)

birbgirl: hOW DARE YOU SAY THAT TO THE INNOCENT BEAN CHILD 

cardhoe: i'm committing a murder 

cardhoe: @ robberlmao you better run for your fucking life 

screamqueen: can i help you? 

cardhoe: you take the left side i'll take the right 

screamqueen: deal, lemme go grab my machete real quick 

robbelmao: i DIDN'T SAY THEY SUCKED I SAID IT LOOKED LIKE SHE FROSTED THEM WHILE SHE WAS HALF ASLEEP 

spice: i'm sorry cerise decided to "help" me that day and i couldn't tell her to go away! that would have been mean! 

cheerleader: you are precious and i would die for you 

bigbad: ^ 

blacknwhite: ^^ 

birbgirl: ^^^ 

screamqueen: ^^^^

cardhoe: ^^^^^ 

spice: (⊙_⊙)

spice: please don't actually though

robberlmao: fine sorry i said that jeez 

robberlmao: they still tasted good tho 

spice: thank you ٩(^ᴗ^)۶

blacknwhite: hey why do you use those anyway 

spice: why not 

blacknwhite: fair point 

cheerleader: oh wait that reminds me lizzie 

cheerleader: lizzie 

cheerleader: lizzieeeee

cheeeleader: LIZZIE HEARTS 

cheerleader: L I Z Z I E 

cheerleader: her royal bitchiness princess lizzie of wonderland 

cheerleader: E L I Z A B E T H 

screamqueen: you know my name isn't actually elizabeth right 

birbgirl: what is your name then 

screamqueen: lizard 

screamqueen: my dad named me that 

screamqueen: I hate him 

screamqueen: also THE FUCK DO YOU WANT GAYBELLE 

cardhoe: Gaybelle

birbgirl: Gaybelle 

bigbad: Gaybelle 

robberlmao: Gaybelle 

screamqueen: shut the fuck up all of you 

cheerleader: ... she isn't wrong tho

blacknwhite: lmao who said she was 

screamqueen: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU WANT 

cheerleader: oh ye I had a question lol 

cheerleader: why does the hall by your dorm smell like burnt lemon 

screamqueen: I mircowavde a lemmin for 40 mints 

bigbad: is that supposed to say microwave 

screamqueen: i will chip your hear kff while yiu slerp butch 

robberlmao: what the fuck 

spice: What are you SAYING

cardhoe: I think she's high rn 

screamqueen: nu i jusy canr tupw

birbgirl: can someone figure out what she's saying 

blacknwhite: she microwaved a lemon for 40 minutes and she can’t type 

spice: Why 

blacknwhite: because I told her that microwaving a lemon for 40 seconds would cover up the smell of burnt oranges and she accidentally did 40 minutes 

robberlmao: even I’m not stupid enough to do that- 

blacknwhite: debatable 

robberlmao: fücking dude 

blacknwhite: do I LOOK like I’m going to be fucking a dude any time soon?????? 

bigbad: why did your dorm smell like burnt lemon in the first place 

screamqueen: I microwaved an orange for 40 minutes 

screamqueen: the smell was screwing with Bunny’s nose so I asked Duchess for help because she’s my only non-wonderlandian friend

cheerleader: bitch what am I 

cheerleader: a roach?? 

screamqueen: yes 

bigbad: lmao get rekd 

birbgirl: I wanna do something scandalous and stupid 

robberlmao: i have an idea 

blacknwhite: that’s a first 

robberlmao: shut the fuck up 

robberlmao: anyway Raven you need to make instruments with your magic 

birbgirl: aight I can do that 

birbgirl: what does everyone want/can everyone play

robberlmao: I gots my guitar already 

cardhoe: gimme a kazoo bitch 

screamqueen: I want an accordion 

bigbad: drum 

birbgirl: what kind of drum 

bigbad: Idfk a fucking drum 

bigbad: I have no musical talent what so fucking ever, just give me something I can hit 

spice: I know how to play the flute 

blacknwhite: I want a trombone and I don’t know how to play it 

cheerleader: gimme a fuckin tuba 

birbgirl: all that plus a bass guitar coming up! 

spice: what are we doing anyway?

robberlmao: you’ll see... 

Class chat 

Ginger: Help, I’m in detention with crazy people!!! 

Hopper: GINGER?!?! 

Blondie: hold up how did YOU end up in detention?!?! 

Ginger: I listened to Sparrow 

Ashlynn: Well that was just a dumb move 

Apple: Alright, anyone who’s in detention, say something 

Raven: something 

Sparrow: something 

Duchess: something 

Courtly: something 

Lizzie: something 

Faybelle: something 

Ginger: something

Ramona: something 

Apple: ...I didn’t mean literally 

Briar: Why am I not surprised that it’s them 

Melody: Because it’s always them 

Duchess: bitch 

Poppy: It really is alway you guys, don’t lie 

Duchess: shut the fuck up and get me out of here 

Holly: If you’re in detention you probably deserve to be there 

Dexter: What did you guys even do anyway? 

Faybelle: Raven made me a tuba and Duchess a trombone and Lizzie an accordion and Courtly a kazoo and Ginger a flute and Ramona a drum and herself a bass guitar 

Courtly: I feel like you didn’t need to name out who had what instrument 

Chase: I think it seems relevant to the story 

Courtly: you don’t know what we did 

Chase: I don’t have to 

Daring: I feel like Lizzie plus an accordion is a bad combination 

Kitty: actually she’s fucking amazing at it 

Maddie: she’s the best accordion player in wonderland 

Maddie: I’m just shocked nobody asked bagpipes 

Faybelle: god damn it I should have asked for bagpipes 

Hunter: Just finish the story 

Cerise: Yeah how did you guys end up in detention 

Raven: oh we left general villainy and Rick rolled the teachers 

Cupid: are you guys fucking stupid 

Justine: Cupid... think about who you’re talking about here 

Cupid: oh yeah lmao 

Cupid: They are stupid 

Ramona: I will murder you in your sleep 

Rosabella: no you won’t 

Ramona: No I won’t 

Cedar: I’m sorry but how the h*ck did she just get Ramona to not murder Cupid

Briar: New rule! If you c*nsor vow*ls y*u have to p*t the c*nsored v*wels at the end 

Briar: *eooueo 

Faybelle: Okay th*n, *f you’r* sure about th*s *ne... Old Macdonald had a farm

Faybelle: *eieio

Briar: I am going to shatter you like glass 

Faybelle: That’s kinky

Darling: That’s it, I’m done with y’all’s bullshit, I’m going to bed 

Apple: But it’s 1:30 in the afternoon???? 

Darling: Exactly

Darling: I am skipping my classes 

Darling: I am going to bed 

Darling: and I am going to pray that I never wake up

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! Thank you for reading! ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜


End file.
